Commentary

We start by giving thanks for Tiny Wash

Where would we be without look-alikes, human pogo sticks and red-headed interims?

Updated: November 23, 2010, 4:35 PM ET
By Ben Rogers and Jeff "Skin" Wade | ESPNDallas.com

The Give and Go is Ben and Skin's weekly back and forth on anything from the world of sports that they feel compelled to carry on about. The word waterfalls cascading through this cyberspace are the absurd products of Ben and Skin, and only Ben and Skin. The ideas expressed in this "column" in no way represent the thoughts of anyone else even remotely related to ESPN Dallas. In fact, ESPN Dallas has no idea what to make of any of this. Actually they're quite worried. We mean like really, really worried. We're venturing into inmates running the asylum territory. We're through the looking glass here. This isn't Kansas anymore. We also acknowledge that those last three sentences were definitely overkill. So uhh, oh yeah, you can hear the aural version of this insanity every weekday from 9 a.m. to noon on 103.3 FM ESPN. Here come the Internet, sucka:

Tiny Wash, Thanksgiving and hot stoving the Yankees

Gardenhire
Gardenhire
Rogers
Rogers
Ben: I'd like to kick-start this inaugural Give and Go by questioning why Rangers manager Ron Washington didn't bring home AL Manager of the Year hardware. Twins skipper Ron Gardenhire won it,and certainly did a fine job while making all Kenny Rogers look-alikes in the South extremely proud, but he was no Ronwash. The Twins started the season with approximately $35 million more in payroll, had one less managerial cocaine scandal to wrestle and to my knowledge weren't forced to stay focused while the franchise suffered taxing bankruptcy proceedings.

[+] EnlargeRon Washington
AP Photo/Matt SlocumNeither of these people were named manager of the year, but both deserve some kind of award.
Skin: All true, but you've discounted how impossible it is to play at Target Field during that blistering July heat. It's a bummer for Rangers fans, but that's the way award season go when these stupid accolades are voted on before the "real" baseball begins. Makes zero sense to vote for awards before the postseason starts. The good news is that Tiny Wash still has a chance to win a Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Award.

Ben: Tiny Wash is what I'm most thankful for this Thanksgiving. By the way, my Claw Fever is still working overtime, so I need J.D. and Co. to get busy on that hot stove and produce some tasty Rangers free agency signings before my antlers explode. This club has never been so prominent on my sports radar this close to the holidays. I recently told a mall Santa to bring me Victor Martinez for Christmas. Befuddled, he stared at me with a look of utter confusion and mild discomfort before demanding that I get out of his lap. Or maybe he just knew that Martinez was reportedly going to sign with the Tigers the very next day.

Skin: I'm least thankful that the Yankees are always lurking around to spoil everybody's good times. God I hope they don't sign Cliff Lee, Santa and Tiny Wash. I read that they're considering buying the Pirates just to make Clint Hurdle batboy for their AAA affiliate. Drives me crazy, their fans are so arrogant. It's like Americans being cocky and holding up their foam fingers after the U.S. rolled through Grenada in '83. "Hey Ma, we did it again. We da best, yo!"

Stoic Damp, Thanksgiving and front-hating the Heat

Skin: After 12 games, it's obvious to me that I've got to figure out a way to get Tyson Chandler on my church league volleyball team. That dude is a relentless pogo stick of a man-beast. The only folks who are missing Big Damp at this point are me and my teammates on our intramural pick-setting squad. He was our anchor. I gotta see if I still have Danny Fortson's number.

[+] EnlargeDampier
AP Photo/David ZalubowskiErick Damper displays his game face, and pretty much every other face he can make.
Ben: Chandler's massive impact on the Mavs has been beyond surprising. He's a perfect fit, both on and off the court. But I too miss Damp as he was the heart of my internationally ranked stoic-faced staredown team. Dude was as expressionless as an apathetic looking mannequin. In the most heated on-court situations, he always had the ability to flash that patented "I'm-standing-in-line-at-an-ATM" look on his face. It confused opponents and made everyone assume that someone had called a timeout.

Skin: A lot of folks thought the Lakers were going to pick up Dampier, but an insider told me they were leaning towards Big Tex because they wanted a livelier body. Since Udonis Haslem is out in Miami, looks like Damp will be an option there. Speaking of the Heat, they roll through town on Saturday, giving me my first chance to despise them up close and in person. I've championed the front-hatin' movement, which is hating on whatever team all the dudes who look like Turtle from Entourage support regardless of geographic location because they're the favorite to win a title. And the Heat are clearly the front-running, bandwagon team du jour.

Ben: I'm looking forward to the Heat coming to down so I can ride shotgun in your front-hate wagon. Not exactly what I envisioned when I recorded the Bronbron to the Mavs song, but oh well. In hindsight, I probably should've been singing about Chandler with your church volleyball choir instead. In other news, I wonder if any local kids will dress up as Tiny Carlisle for Thanksgiving. Can you imagine how much fun that would be? Cold, blank laser beam stares into the side of the turkey as family members that they pretend are media ask them stupid questions about what they want on their plate.

Garrett Top, Thanksgiving and the hard-charging Cowboys

Ben: I love what I'm seeing thus far from Jason "Garrett Top/Garrett Cake/Red Podium" Garrett. Not only is he an endless nickname buffet, but he's also got a team of former zombies playing like they're ready to stop being terrible. It's a shame that Wade Phillips couldn't get the same results from his sideline hammock. But trends in the NFL are cyclical, so when head coaches who discipline with thoughtful verbal Hallmark cards and awkward high-fives become coveted again, he'll be a front runner for a head coaching job.

[+] EnlargeJerry Jones & Jason Garrett
AP Photo/James D SmithJerry Jones is thankful Jason Garrett is making him look smart for firing Wade Phillips.
Skin: Yes, the ascension of the Princeton Pumpkin has transformed this team. Sunday's clash with the Lions was a riveting battle between a couple of prideful 2-7 squads. Or maybe not. If it wasn't for the greatness of Ben and Skin Show discovery Bryan McCann, we may all be wondering how Shaun Hill was able to lead a dreadful 0-for-their-last-25-on-the-road Lions team to victory despite sporting a fractured arm, hook-for-a-hand, and peg leg.

Ben: Thankfully for Cowboys fans, the Dallas front office treats us like Tiny E.F. Huttons and listens to every word we say. But enough about how awesome we are at discovering explosive football talent from SMU. The limping Lions are now officially in the rearview mirror and the turducken-craving world champs are now stalking the Cowboys' resurgence plan like a hungry panther stalks a defenseless ham sandwich. No time to dwell with a short week and nobody knows that better than Tiny Garrett, who had the single greatest day of his tiny playing career on Turkey Day back in 1994.

Skin: Tiny '94 was a great tiny year for Tiny Pumpkin, but with the Saints comin' in I don't anticipate any tiny heroics. In fact, I suspect Big No. 70 will be too distracted to block because he'll be holding a giant turkey leg that looks tiny because it's in his giant claw. And Rangers fans will consider it a simultaneous double tribute to the claw and all things tiny. And then the Yankees will take notice and buy Thanksgiving and sell pinstripe jerseys with a turkey leg on it to dudes who still live with their Ma. So enjoy Tinygiving everyone before it gets purchased and ruined.

Listen to Ben Rogers and Jeff "Skin" Wade weekdays from 9 a.m. to noon on ESPN 103.3 FM.

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