Commentary

The Final Frontier may hold the answers

We boldly go where no men have gone before for the Cowboys, Rangers, Mavericks

Updated: January 10, 2011, 3:27 PM ET
By Ben Rogers and Jeff "Skin" Wade | ESPNDallas.com

The Give and Go is Ben and Skin's weekly back and forth on anything from the world of sports that they feel compelled to carry on about. The word waterfalls cascading through this cyberspace are the absurd products of Ben and Skin, and only Ben and Skin. The ideas expressed in this "column" in no way represent the thoughts of anyone else even remotely related to ESPN Dallas. In fact, ESPN Dallas has no idea what to make of any of this. So uhh, oh yeah, you can hear the aural version of this insanity every weekday from 9 a.m. to noon on 103.3 FM ESPN. Here come the Internet, sucka:

The Ray Sherman Charade

Skin: What a bizarre turn of events for Ray Sherman. He goes from being interviewed for the Cowboys' head coaching vacancy to, by several reports, not having his contract renewed for receivers coach. Something smells fishy there. And by fishy, I mean phony. Like this is the work of fake fish or, more likely, robot piranhas. Which reminds me that Piranha 3-D in now out on Blu-Ray. Which reminds me that all the rage at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas was 3-D TV that doesn't utilize 3-D glasses. Which sounds like Hologram TV. Which reminds me of R2D2 projecting Princess Leia SOS holograms to Obi-Wan. Which reminds me that R2D2 was a robot. Which brings me back to those robot piranhas. Which makes me think, "Damn, Ray Sherman must be a really bad interview."

[+] EnlargeR2D2
AP Photo/Luis MartinezWas R2D2 a wi-fi hotspot, or did he double as a trash can? Either way, Ray Sherman must've had a really bad interview with the Cowboys.

Ben: If Jerry loved Sherman enough to make him a fake head coaching candiate as a tribute to Mickey Rooney, it makes no sense that he wouldn't love him enough to merely let him keep his current job. Maybe what we're seeing here is the first bit of evidence that Jason Garrett is actually wearing big boy style Bill Parcells pants. And if that's true, right now, the front of Garrett's pants are most likely hiked up over his belly button as he makes key decisions on his coaching staff and roster. By the way, do you know if R2D2 was a wi-fi hotspot? Cause if he wasn't, I'm not sure I'd have much use for him unless he also doubled as a trash can.

Skin: First things first, R2 was a wi-fi hot spot, but it wasn't till episode V when Chewbacca downloaded limera1n and dropped a jailbreak in that piece. As for Garrett making sure Sherman wasn't back, wasn't he probably voicing his opinion on that before Sherman was interviewed considering all the reports that came out before the Philly game that JG was going to be the guy? Look, the Rooney Rule is important. Had it not been for that, Lando Calrissian would have probably been named Lloyd Carlton and he'd have been portrayed by Robert Blake. But I'm afraid Sherman got played by The Jones Posse.

Ben: Lando would make one hell of a receivers coach, especially if he gets to keep his personal assistant with the computer haircut. I hope he gets a shot. The NFL's Vader Rule mandates that each team interviews a Star Wars character for every open assistant coaching gig. Which begs the question -- who is taller -- Yoda or Dave Campo?

Adrian Beltre joins the Clawparty

Ben: You're not allowed to rub his head or call him Francis, but you best believe Adrian Beltre will lock down the hot corner for your ballclub. When the dust settles on the upcoming season, I expect his 2011 numbers to crush Vlad's 2011 numbers. Beyond that, his defense at third base will be ridiculously good. He can't pitch, but considering he's a two-way player that will protect Hamilton in the order and make the left side of the Rangers infield the best in baseball defensively -- it's hard not to like this signing.

[+] EnlargeScott Boras
AP Photo/Carlos DelgadoScott Boras ... Darth Vader. Have you ever seen the two in the same place at the same time? Didn't think so. Still, Nolan Ryan isn't deterred. He either can use The Force or a Jedi Mind Trick to combat Boras' evil ways.

Skin: You don't think it's bad karma to have an all Boras left side of your infield? Didn't you hear Satan himself at the press conference taunting Michael Young, boldly proclaiming he'd have Elvis in Yankee pinstripes by July and saying he'd next turn his attention to accelerating global warming? It is nice to have Texas in the mix with the big boys. If I felt like this was going to be a Chan Ho move where they sign him then freeze all credit lines for the next three seasons -- sure I'd see a downside. But this just feels like the Rangers stretch-bragging while letting everyone know what a big deal they are. I'm happy about it.

Ben: Boras can get over on the old guard, cotton-top business billionaires that own baseball teams they barely know about, but he can't get over on Nolan Ryan's fastball. Now that dream-killing Tom Hicks has been evicted, miracles are possible in Rangerland once again. Besides, I feel like Jon Daniels and his posse are as smart as any think tank in baseball. While you definitely do have to overpay to play in the free agent headliner game, this was a well calculated expenditure that will help the Antler Nation maintain the momentum.

Skin: I never really dug Antler Nation. I thought James Caan was basically doing Sonny Corelone as a cop and Mandy Patinkin -- who has the worst fake name in all of show biz -- looked ridiculous with that throbbing pasty brain head and sun glasses. I do like the concept of the Claw Party. Or is it Clawparty? Who decides what is or isn't a compound word? Why do they have so much clout? I'll assume it's a Steinbrenner. But yes, Beltre equals solid.

Are the Mavs dead in the water?

Skin: It's been hard watching the Mavs go extended stretches without a chance of sticking the ball in the hole while The Big German is out. Meanwhile, it was announced last week that Brandon Jennings is scheduled to be in the dunk contest despite having the same injury as Roddy B, except he suffered it four months after the currently not Flying Frenchman. I'm scurred Ben. We're on some shaky footing here. Between Dirk's knee and Roddy's foot, I believe we have an international health crisis on our hands, nawmean? Clearly this is the work of bird flu, or whatever it is that's causing these Arkansas canaries to drop from the sky. You have any suggestions?

[+] EnlargeSam Cassell
Kirby Lee/Image of Sport/US PresswireWant proof that alien life exists? Two words: Sam Cassell. At least he's more realistic cast in that role than Jeff Bridges was in Starman.

Ben: Why are you so clueless when it comes to real-life science fiction? This reminds me of the time you embarrassed yourself by arguing the point that "Men in Black" wasn't a documentary. Everyone knows that those stupid razorbackbirds are dropping from the sky because they're flying into the invisible spaceships of aliens who are coordinating a massive attack. It's been all over the Internet. Besides, since Sam Cassell has been out of the league since 2008, I find it hard to believe that aliens are involved in any current NBA conspiracies. The Mavs are in trouble because injuries have them on a crash course time travel voyage back to the last several postseasons. Without someone to help Dirk but put the ball in the basket, this team is in more trouble than one of those mysterious blunt trauma mulletbirds.

Skin: The Mavs alleviated themselves of all their blunt trauma when they traded Shawne Williams last year. I'll have you know that Sam Cassell is still living amongst us and reporting back to "them." And I've seen what he's telling "them" and I can confirm that "they" now think that the apex of our cultural enlightenment is John Wall wowing humans with his mastery of the "Dougie." Anyway, anyone who's not completely stupid knows these birds are crashing to the earth because of whatever Boras is up to. And he's got Elvis convinced it makes sense and this doesn't bode well for the Mavericks either. I can't tell you how badly I wish that Roddy B was an alien. Any alien really. Except Jeff Bridges' "Starman" -- what the hell was that? It was the exact same movie as "E.T." without a big enough budget to have a muppet for an alien. "ALF" was more impressive than that pathetic excuse for alien, one that looked exactly like one of the "Fabulous Baker Boys."

Ben: I wish I could see Jeff Bridges' facial expression when he stumbles across "Starman" while flipping though the channels. I'll bet he has the same facial expression Ray Sherman has when you ask him how his head coach interview went. But back to the Mavs ... they can't win without Dirk, and Dirk can't do it alone. I'm not sure they have a viable #2 scorer on the roster right now. I'll never say they're dead with Mark Cuban in charge because he and Donnie Nelson are never scared to wheel and deal, but I will say that without wheeling and dealing, they are basically a bird about to smash into the side of an invisible spaceship.

Listen to Ben Rogers and Jeff "Skin" Wade weekdays from 9 a.m. to noon on ESPN 103.3 FM.

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