Posted by Peter Bodo, TENNIS.com
Ho-ho-ho. Like your kid brother or sister, I'm dying to know what everybody else got for Christmas, only in my case I was curious about what the fat man with the white beard left in the stockings of the top tennis pros. The players are laying low these days, but here's what I imagine a few of them found when they raced downstairs (do condos in Monte Carlo have stairs, or elevators?) on Christmas morning:
Justine Henin-Hardenne: A letter from Andre Agassi, explaining how much nicer life is -- at every level -- if you stop thinking just of yourself, and make an effort to connect with your peers and the tennis public. The Little Backhand That Quit is a self-absorbed, self-pitying, walking, talking public relations disaster -- which is really too bad, because she has a beautiful game, a fierce combative spirit, and a serene, chaste persona that could make her an international role model and ambassador for women's tennis.
Etienne de Villiers, CEO of the ATP Tour: A blank 2007 calendar, so he can just pencil in tournaments in a sequence that makes sense and ensures that all the players will support the tour.
Maria Sharapova: A husband who has a job. We're tired of papa Yuri shouting "Vamos!"
James Blake: A Ronko Gut Check meter. (Just $2.99, and for a limited time you also get, at no additional cost, a Porsche Cayenne. All you pay is $87,659.34 for shipping and handling!) You apply the three sensors to your abdomen at the late stages of a match in any Grand Slam tournament, and the digital read-out automatically tells you how much tougher you need to be, how much more focused you need to get, and how much better you need to play, in order to win.
Richard Williams: His own reality TV show; it would be a novel experience.
Ivan Ljubicic: A gift certificate to Men's Hair Club.
Martina Navratilova: An AARP card and membership, including discounts on tickets to WTA Tour tennis events.
Marat Safin: A Rod Laver bobble-head doll.
Serena Williams: A copy of the screenplay, "I Am Me." It's the story of a champion tennis player who grows weary of winning tennis tournaments and the grind of greatness and decides to seek fulfillment as a walk-on actress on sitcoms, only to learn that what she really loves to do, does best, and is most beloved for, is -- winning tennis tournaments!
Roger Federer: Pete Sampras.
Send in a question for Peter Bodo's next chat, Wednesday, Jan. 3 at 1 p.m.
