TRUM: Bad karaoke

June, 27, 2007
06/27/07
4:03
PM ET
Thoughts, Ramblings, Useless information and Musings for Wednesday, June 27, 2007

For those of you who don't care, skip down to "Just Saying …" below. You can't miss it. For the rest of you, the promised karaoke story starts like this:

A little while ago, I met a girl who works at a place I walk by all the time. We meet. She seems fun, cool and potentially cute. The work clothes are not flattering. But, as we all know, I am an optimist.

So I walk by her every day, flirting each time. The daily flirt-by. Eventually we exchange numbers and then one night she texts me to come meet her at a bar, where she is drinking with her friends.

Kids, we have a ballgame.

So I go. Turns out she's very cute out of work clothes and she's already had a few. It was, as the kids say, looking good.

Then the karaoke starts. Again, because I am an optimist, I decide she chose the bar because of cheap draft beer or it's close to her house or it's where her friend is a bartender. Anything but because they have karaoke.

For the record, I am not anti-karaoke. When you're blitzed and bored, it can be a lot of fun. I myself have been known to bring the house down with something I call "The Jovi Trilogy." This is where I absolutely butcher three Bon Jovi songs. The combination of my utter inability to carry a note, my total hammy-ness and the over-the-top lyrics of the Super Rock God combine for something that I'm am sure will be on YouTube the next time I do it.

OK, so she's doing a song. Fine. Great. Maybe it'll be cute and flirty. Maybe she'll choose "Don't Cha" or "Dirty" or even "1985." That last one isn't sexy, I just really like that song.

She chooses Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats."

OK, I am going to pause the story here for a moment to talk about this song, because I made a discovery and an observation.

First, I didn't know Carrie Underwood sang this one. I actually really like it. I have a cheesy music fetish and this one fits the bill. I had heard it on the radio and liked it before I knew who sang it.

So I'm bummed that I actually like a Carrie Underwood song, by the far the worst American-Idol winner ever. No personality, she moves like a robot and she looks like someone who should be hot but actually isn't. It's like all of the pieces are there, they just don't entirely fit.

Here's the biggest problem I have, though. Listen to the actual words, as written by Chris Tompkins and Josh Kear. She sings:

Right now he's probably slow dancing
With that bleach blonde tramp
And she's probably getting frisky
Right now he's probably buying her some fruity little drink
'Cause she can't shoot whiskey
Right now he's probably behind her with a pool stick showing
Her how to shoot a combo
And he don't know

Chorus:
I dug my key into the side
Of his pretty little suped up four wheel drive
Carved my name into his leather seats
Took a Louisville slugger to both headlights
Slashed a hole in all four tires
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

Right now she's probably up singing some white trash version of Shania karaoke
Right now she's probably saying I'm drunk and he's thinking that he's gonna get lucky
Right now he's probably dabbing on three dollars worth of that bathroom polo
And he don't know

Repeat chorus:

I mighta saved a little trouble for the next girl
'Cause the next time that he cheats
You know it won't be on me

Chorus

OK, seriously, does anyone take Carrie Underwood, tough chick, seriously? I'll bet every dollar I have she's drunk a lot more fruity drinks than done shots of whisky. That she's actually sung bad Shania karaoke and said "I'm drunk" (and meant it) on half of said fruity drink. She probably doesn't even know what a combo is. The whole thing is utterly ridiculous.

I know this, you know this, and yet … I still like the song. I just hate myself. Ugh.

OK, anyway, back to the girl who is singing this song. When she got to the "dug my key" part … she got into it. She really sold that Louisville Slugger line. This was a woman who clearly felt this song … it resonated with her.

Afterward, I congratulate her on the rousing rendition and she tells me she loves that song. Because she's done it.

"Done what?" I ask nervously.

All of it. The keys, the bat, the tires. Three times, in fact. To an ex-boyfriend who cheated on her. She's proud of it.

Oh…kay.

Now, you and I might think that's something a bit aggressive to tell someone on a pseudo-first date, but even as the red flags went up, I found myself nodding and saying, "Good for you."

First, because let's face it, a hot girl can say any crazy thing and we'll generally agree with it, especially the closer we get to closing time. Second, I have found the crazy girls are a lot of fun.

The night ends innocently enough, as she's with her sister, who is having some fight with some guy and now needs to go home with my girl instead with her guy. Great. So this jerk, whoever he is, ruined two nights.

But, as noted, I am nothing if not optimistic. So we make plans to go out the following Monday night, just her and I. I call her on Monday around lunch time.

She doesn't call me back. I text her around six. No text back, either. I am being blown off.

It's weird since we had talked on Saturday (and she was sober) and made the plans. I don't hear from her for a week. So a week later, I am walking by and she makes a big point of saying "Hi" and waving me over. Not embarrassed or trying to hide.

We make small talk for a moment … as if nothing has happened. Finally I say to her: "Did you get my message?"

Her: No. What message? Voice mail?

Me: I called you on Monday.

Her: Oh, no. Didn't get it.

Me: I thought we had plans Monday night.

Her (total matter of fact): Oh, we did. But I decided to go to Maine instead.

This is the part where, if I was telling you this story face-to-face, I would just make a blank face as if to say, "What? No, seriously, what?"

Like it's the most normal thing in the world. Like she had said, "I was going to get a pizza but then decided on a sandwich."

She continues.

"Yeah, I just needed to get out of Dodge, so I turned off the cell and my friends and I went to Maine all week, got drunk and hung out. It was super fun."

No embarrassment, no remorse, no anger. It's just normal to blow off a date by leaving for another state for a week.

Dating ain't easy. And now I still see her occasionally and I have no idea what to do. The current strategy is to just not talk to her, which is what I've done since that exchange.

Normally, I would just forget the whole thing except, I know she's crazy and as I've said before, crazy girls are fun. A lot of fun.

OK, baseball now, where some quick hits around the league are in order, which means it's time for …

Just saying …

… That Khalil Greene now has five home runs in his last nine games.

… That Alfonso Soriano now has scored 21 runs and driven in 18 in his last 24 games.

… That Randy Johnson will be back tomorrow night. Told you he was fine.

… That for those who missed it, James Loney, mentioned earlier here and elsewhere, is now the starting first baseman for the Dodgers, with Nomar Garciaparra going to third base. My guess is Nomar gets hurt, and Loney should be a high-average, not-a-lot-o'-power Sean Casey/Conor Jackson type.

… That I would be buying low on James Shields. Yes, that was his third bad start in a row and he needs to keep the ball in the park. His 18 home runs given up are the most in baseball. But he also struck out 11 and walked none in seven innings Tuesday night. Anytime you have that kind of strikeout-walk, good things will happen.

… That Travis Hafner now has four RBIs in his last two games. At this point, I'll take anything.

… That after last night's Homer Bailey debacle, Nate and I ranked the rookie pitchers the rest of the way and we agreed on this list: Yovani Gallardo, Andrew Miller, Tim Lincecum, Homer Bailey, Philip Hughes. I'm not convinced Gallardo goes to the bullpen, and if he does, he won't stay there long. He'll still have more fantasy value than the others.

… That, remember when fobio1886 wrote: "Way to give up on King Felix right before he shuts down the Pirates. I hope ESPN doesn't actually pay you to write two columns of BS a week. Do you just make things up as you go?"

I said you had four days to sell Felix Hernandez off that Pirates win because everyone mows down the Pirates. Last night: 5 2/3 innings, 11 hits, 5 earned runs, 2 walks. Goodbye, WHIP.

… That I didn't understand why folks wouldn't believe me that Chad Billingsley in the starting rotation was a bad idea.

… That I'm going to see Rush in concert tonight. Kind of psyched.

Cyberstalk the TMR

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