Here's the good news for anyone who writes, produces or is some way creatively involved in commercials. No matter how poorly you do your job, there is no chance you come up with a commercial creepier than the "Viva Viagra" commercial. Have you seen this thing? Seriously? You can check it out at Viagra.com, actually, or just take my word for it.
It's six middle-age guys, sitting in some sort of barn, all with musical instruments. They are "jamming," or, as it was called in their day, "make music at cave." They are also all singing. To the tune of "Viva Las Vegas," they are singing "Viva Viagra."
Here are the lyrics, as sung on broadcast television:
Got me a honey gonna set my soul Gonna set my soul on fire. At the end of the day I'm not a soul who'll stray 'Cause she's my heart's desire.
"Now this lonesome toad is sick of the road I can't wait. Can't wait. I can't wait to go home.
(All together now)
Viva! Viva! Viagra!
Back to me now. There are so many things wrong with this commercial, I can't stand it.
We'll start with the obvious. They've ruined a great song. "Viva Las Vegas" is one of the great all-time Elvis songs. And the King took a lot of pills, but never this blue one.
Why are they in some barn? At the end of the commercial they all leave, get in their trucks and leave. So this means they drove there, and drove there separately. What was that call like? "Hey, we're getting the gang together at the barn to talk about our E.D. Bring your guitar."
Why are they all smiling? I'm not saying it's something to be embarrassed about, but you don't have to be happy about it. You're in the creepiest commercial ever. Stop smiling!
I'm not a woman. My dating record shows I have no idea what women think or want. But even I have to feel that if a woman heard these lyrics, she'd be turned off for the next decade.
The guy who sings the "lonesome toad who can't wait" line is, in a curious bit of casting, very toad-like.
One of the guys has a standup bass guitar. Really? You dragged that huge thing to the woods?
If it's not some bizarre support group where they sing about their problems then what is it? Are they a band? Practicing for a gig? Do they play senior citizen homes, singing about various male ailments. "Now we'd like to do a number about male pattern baldness. (Sung to the tune of Eminem's "Lose Yourself.") "If you had one chance, to grab a wig lose your hair )
At the start of the commercial, the lead guys says "One two three " as if they have played this song before. So it's not something that happened spontaneously. No! They've rehearsed this. Practiced it. This is their song.
How come only the white guys get to sing?
Why does one guy, at the very end, point his hand in the air, like he's just accomplished something amazing? Everyone else is saying goodbye, slapping each other high five, congratulating each other on getting through the commercial without vomiting on themselves, but one guy is just pointing proudly in the air. The way you would if you had just sank a 25-foot putt to win the Masters or hit the game-winning 3-pointer. Or, apparently, just done a bad Weird Al impression about E.D. Incidentally, that's a good question. Where is Weird Al here? Parody lyrics to a good song? Weird Al should be all over this. Did even he find this distasteful? That should have been a red flag right there. When Weird Al says "no thanks, it's too crass," you stop and rethink. You dig?
Boggles the mind. It's like a trainwreck. I can't stop watching this commercial. Who thought this was a good idea? What was the casting sheet like? At what point do you say I don't need the gig that bad?
Anyways, clearly, it's a Monday and I'm all riled up. So let's get to some football quickly and then we'll dive into baseball.
DeShaun Foster, RB, Panthers: Currently going a few rounds after D'Angelo Williams -- Williams' ADP (average draft position) is 66.7, Foster's is 86.7 -- Foster had a good game for the Panthers on Saturday. He had 62 yards on five carries and afterwards told the Gaston (N.C.) Gazette that he loves the new zone blocking scheme. More importantly, Williams missed the game due to injury. John Fox tends to like his veterans, Williams is as much of an injury risk as Foster, and considering how much they like to run in Carolina, both guys should see lots of action.
Chris Henry, RB, Titans: He wasn't great, but he was better than Chris Brown or LenDale White. He had 12 carries for 42 yards and Jeff Fisher was pleased with his game play afterwards, according to The Tennessean.
Larry Johnson, RB, Chiefs: There are differing reports as to how close the two sides really are in contract negotiations, but clearly, there's some progress and that's better than there was last week.
Trent Green and the Dolphins offense: They looked bad. Real bad. And if Trent is bad, so will the rest of them be.
Thomas Jones, RB, Jets: I like Jones a lot this year and I am not concerned that much about his injury Still, anytime you have to leave practice with a lower-leg injury, it's bad news.
Daunte Culpepper, QB, Raiders: Last week, he was a mildly interesting late-round flier pick. After this weekend's performance -- 5-for-12, two fumbles -- he's undraftable.
Let's get to baseball now, where I'm...
... That Raul Ibanez now has five home runs and 11 RBIs in his past six games. He's hitting .481 in than span.
... That Brian Giles of the Padres has five home runs and seven RBIs in his past three games.
... That Marcus Thames of the Tigers just came off the DL and has two home runs and five RBIs in his past three games.
... That Josh Fields of the White Sox has three home runs and seven RBIs in his past three games.
... That Matt Murton of the Cubs is hitting .308 and has three home runs in his past seven games.
... That with his two home runs Sunday, Moises Alou has five homers, nine RBIs and is hitting .350 in the month of August.
... That Ronny Paulino is hitting .294 with three home runs in August.
... That after Jeff Weaver's complete-game shutout, he is now 4-4 with a 3.09 ERA in his past 10 starts.
... That very quietly, Jon Rauch has eight wins on the season, better than a lot of starters.
... That Melky Cabrera had a combo meal Sunday. Nate Ravitz has been all over him for a while now and he's been absolutely sick.
... That Ian Stewart got called up by the Rockies. You want him in NL-only keeper but that's about it. He's probably not gonna get a ton of playing time.
... That Alexi Casilla of the Twins stole two bases and now has three in his past four games. He had 24 in 84 minor-league games.
... That I'm curious if you'd be interested in a pitcher that pitched well over the weekend. He has a quality start in four of his past five games. He has given up only two earned runs in his past 21 innings. His ERA over his past three games is 0.85. He has 15 strikeouts and only six walks in those 21 innings. Interested? Are you still interested if I tell you his name is Edwin Jackson? Remember, he used to be a highly touted prospect ...