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The difference between John Madden and most mere mortals is the little gnome in his medulla oblongata in charge of Career Decisions.

His gnome never fails him, at least not so far. Even when he was approached to play the Terrell Owens role in the risible Nicollette Sheridan/Monday Night Football opening, the gnome screeched, "Danger, Will Robinson! Middle America Won't Like This Orange Alert! Repeat, Red State Orange Alert!"

Instead, T.O. signed on, with the predictable consequences. Then again, T.O. is still reconciling himself to the idea that a P.R. disaster is better than no disaster at all, and in these mean-spirited cultural times of ours, the envelope is smaller than it used to be.

So you wonder (after a few belts of Prestone AntiFreeze to steel your courage) just who could have gotten away with it. I mean, if Madden couldn't, for reasons that our own visualizations are unprepared to confront, who could?

Some ideas, and then a long, disconsolate shower, follow.

• Donovan McNabb: Nope, if only because his mom is downstairs making soup for the roster again.

• Jeff Thomason: Construction managers don't enrage the public the way athletes can, but who would care if Nicollette Sheridan dropped her towel for a construction manager?

• Andy Reid: God almighty, no.

• Jeff Lurie: Somehow, those shots of him and his family in the owners' box would seem a little cheesy.

• Bill Belichick: Maybe if Sheridan was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and bearing game tapes.

• Tom Brady: Could work, given his boyish looks, but probably not.

• Corey Dillon: He's already got enough trouble back in Cincinnati as it is.

• Robert Kraft: A little weathered for a locker room towel drop, doncha think?

• Paul Tagliabue: In a parallel universe, this would be a side-splitter extraordinaire. Watching him explain it at the commissioner's Friday press conference, even funnier.

No, football isn't sport for this one. Neither is basketball, for that matter, based if nothing else than on the racial issues that the Owens/Sheridan scene engendered.

Although it would be interesting to see if LeBron James is that publicly-bulletproof.

Maybe baseball would be a better venue. I mean, if you gave America a choice between Nicollette Sheridan in a clubhouse and a tube of "the cream," I think she'd win pretty handily.

• Barry Bonds: Married, yes. Public image-wise, how could it get worse?

• Doug Mientkiewicz: Maybe if he returned the ball first.

• Carlos Beltran: There should be some perks that go along with signing with the Mets.

• Curt Schilling: He's already done Celebrity Poker Challenge with Sara Rue and Catherine O'Hara, so how much of a stretch could this be?

• Lewis Wolff: This, and $150 million, get you the Oakland A's.

• Paul DePodesta: Could improve his public image in Los Angeles.

• Arte Moreno: Could improve his public image in Anaheim.

• Bud Selig: If anything, would be more uncomfortable than Paul Tagliabue.

Or maybe hockey players. It's not like they have anything better to do.

• Wayne Gretzky: The cleanest of the cuts, but one suspects his wife might demur.

• Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow: Sheridan might not bother to show up.

Other sports, perhaps?

• Tiger Woods. He just won the Buick, and is a major away from being The Man again.

• Vijay Singh: Would complain that Sheridan is standing in his lie.

• Roger Federer: Beat Marat Safin, then come talk to us.

• Matt Leinart: Look at the bright side -- there would be no agent to have a coronary on the set.

• Jeff Gordon: Unattached, open-minded, even does Regis and Kelly. Clearly not inclined to say no.

• Bob Knight: Yeah, right.

Or maybe this really is just one of those ideas whose time will never come. Maybe John Madden is exactly as smart as we've always thought he was. Or maybe we just need someone whose ability not to give a damn actually exceeds America's capacity for outrage.

I just had a weird vision of Pete Rose. I think I'm going to go lie down awhile.

Ray Ratto is a columnist with the San Francisco Chronicle and a regular contributor to ESPN.com