Not everything is worth being thankful for
You want warm and fuzzy? Go buy a cashmere sweater.
But if you want a Thanksgiving Day that doesn't include the usual sappy, What-We-Should-Be-Thankful-For column, then you've come to the right Web site. Think of me as the Billy Bob Thornton of turkey day.
Bad Geno.
I'm not the least bit thankful for New Orleans/San Antonio/Los Angeles Saints weasel Tom Benson. Either stay put, or sell to someone local who doesn't need directions on how to roll up his sleeves.
I don't have any glad tidings for the 7th Floor Crew, which has University of Miami officials applying a bag of ice to another Hurricane black eye.
The ninth pick in a 12-team fantasy league doesn't do much for me. And I'd rather chug an Ex-Lax milk shake than be subjected to the latest John Madden wannabe.
Celebration penalties do not make me thankful. They make me want to heave a weighted yellow flag into the groinal area of every officiating crew member who confuses taunting with pure, spontaneous joy.
I give no thanks when the Rev. Jesse Jackson parachutes in and lectures us on the Terrell Owens situation. Surely the Rainbow Coalition has more pressing priorities than the well-being of a multimillionaire.
It's hard to be thankful for the Top of the World Classic in Fairbanks, Alaska, which this year included such teams as Lamar, Kennesaw State, Denver and Montana State. Ditto for the Hawaii Bowl, where tens of Honolulu football fans are scarfing up tickets for a possible Memphis-Nevada matchup.
TV time-outs don't prompt a glow of thankfulness. The NFL is the worst. Here's how it goes: beer ad ... kickoff ... straight to another beer ad. It's enough to make you want to throw Paul Tagliabue under the Love Train.
I'm not thankful for anyone who, when asked to name five people they'd invite to dinner, says, "Jesus, Abraham Lincoln, Albert Einstein, Martin Luther King, and Scooter, the animated baseball on Fox broadcasts."
I refuse to say a prayer of thanks for wealthy commodity brokers who spend $350 on their latest Mitchell & Ness Lance Alworth jerseys. How about this instead: buy a cheapie $59 Chargers replica and give the difference to the local Boys Club.
The postrace NASCAR interview is not a reason to give thanks. You don't know if you're at Talladega or at a focus group for brand recognition. Shoot, Darrell, I can't say enough about my HavolineHomeDepotMr.GoodwrenchMacToolsViagraBoschSunocoGoArmy.comWixFiltersChampionGoodyear-
EASportsChevyFordPontiacMGD team.
Heisman Trophy voters who submit their ballots before season's end don't deserve thanks. They deserve a Charlie Weis buzz cut.
I'm not thankful for Dennis Rodman's third book. Or his second. Or his first. Yo, same goes for Rocky VI.
Can anyone explain why we should offer thanks for the Davis Cup? Metaphysical in nature, it seemingly has no beginning and no end. If you can name the last three Davis Cup winners, Roger Federer will wax and buff your Honda Civic.
The BCS and thankfulness do not deserve each other, which is why I'm rooting hard for Texas or USC to lose between now and Dec. 4.
I'm not saying thanks for Congressional steroid hearings, Phil Mickelson in a tight shirt, or West Virginians who get their yuks by burning their Levitz couch collection.
Drew Rosenhaus isn't worth giving thanks. Drew Rosenhaus with his mouth duct-taped is.
I'm not thankful for the Pro Bowl. The Burger King guy is having a better year than some of the players who make it to Honolulu.
With all due respect, I don't find myself thanking Steve Yzerman for his recent whining about the new hockey rules.
I'm not thankful -- or ready, Hank Williams Jr. -- for the Dec. 19 Monday Night matchup between Green Bay and Baltimore. And not even David Stern is watching the Atlanta Hawks or Toronto Raptors these days.
I could do without cell phones on a golf course (dude, nobody really cares that you just flushed a 5-iron), sponsored first-down lines, and Chad Johnson mugging for anything with a red light.
Most of all, I'm not thankful for the ball and chain's Thanksgiving Day decree: dinner will be served during the middle of the Denver-Dallas game.
Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com. You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com.
