Dumb and Dumber
I still don't know why anyone was shocked when Keith Hernandez said women "don't belong in the dugout." After all, this is the guy who endorses Just For Men hair coloring, which, according to the company Web site, "is made by men for men."
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| Hernandez |
Made by men for men to attract ... women. Just not women -- or, "gals," as Hernandez calls them -- in dugouts.
And one quick thing about dugouts. Hernandez makes it sound like it's Guy Heaven. It isn't. The bench seating is so hard your butt wants to dial 911. You can't see a thing. And by game's end the dugout floor is a toxic waste dump of spit, snot, used chaw, gum, sunflower seed shells, hawkers, Gatorade, paper cups and ear wax. That's why stadium workers wear those nuclear reactor suits to hose down the place.
Anyway, not even Hernandez's 11 Gold Gloves, 1979 National League batting championship, and his unforgettable appearance in the 1992 "Seinfeld" episode, "The Boyfriend," can save him now. He is a sexist pig. Mrs. Met won't even glance his way.
In honor of the Mets broadcaster (he's lucky to still be one, by the way) and his galactically stupid remarks, we now present the No-Brainer Awards -- or, as they're known within the industry, The Keith-ies. Recipients of the award embrace knuckleheadedness in a way that can make us all proud.
Our winners:
• Chicago Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano
After striking out in the third inning of Monday night's game against the Marlins, Zambrano snapped the bat over his left knee. It was great theater, but if the hyperemotional Zambrano had injured his leg I'm fairly certain Cubs general manager Jim Hendry would have stuck his head in the nearest pizza oven.
The Cubs are already down two starting pitchers (Mark Prior and Kerry Wood) and one All-Star first baseman (Derrek Lee). If they lose Zambrano, the rotation becomes Greg Maddux, Glendon Rusch and the Iowa Cubs.
• Tiger Woods
Since when did Woods become Richard Branson? The guy goes to New Zealand for his caddy's wedding and suddenly he's racing stock cars and bungee jumping off a platform about 43 stories above the Nevis River.
The New Zealand Herald called the jump site "one of the world's most daunting challenges for thrill-seekers" -- as opposed to those non-daunting, 8½-second, 439-foot free falls where the only thing separating you from the obit page is a cord attached to your ankles. I don't want to say Tiger is bored with golf, but Woods has asked Nike to develop his own bullfighting product line.
• Ricky Williams
Suspended -- sigh -- for another year by the NFL. Hate to break it to you, RW, but the NFL doesn't have an 11-Strikes-And-You're-Out program. See you in 2007.
• Sacramento Kings forward Ron Artest
Artest, who could eventually set a record for Most No-Brainers Received, popped San Antonio Spurs star Manu Ginobili in the head during Game 1 of the Kings-Spurs playoff series. Artest was suspended for Game 2 and will lose $72,000 in salary. Meanwhile, the Kings lost Game 2 on Tuesday night.
• Portland Trail Blazers forward Darius Miles
Miles, in an interview with Jason Quick of the Portland Oregonian: "Yeah, you probably smelled liquor on me before. But it's not like I'm at practice drunk. I'm totally focused. I don't care if you come to practice and take a shower, once you go to practice and start sweating, it's going to come out. That doesn't mean you aren't focused or ready to practice. Like you might go out, you might get drunk and come to the gym higher than a mother, and you sweating, you smell like liquor, and you interviewing everybody. What does that mean? You still 100 percent focused. That's just ridiculous. Ask any other team, little petty stuff like that, if you ask any other coach in the NBA if they smell liquor on a player, any coach would say, 'Every year."'
In the same interview, Miles, who wants out of Portland, detailed some of his concerns with Trail Blazers management.
"It's like you are telling me I'm this franchise player, but hey ... once I noticed it, and I was like dang, 'I don't have no bobblehead?' They tried to get me one at the last minute, and I was like, 'No, I'm fine.'
"But I don't want to sound like I'm whining. But this is what you all are telling me. You mean to tell me, if they have a Steve Nash, a Raja Bell, Amare Stoudemire and a Boris Diaw bobblehead, they wouldn't have a Shawn Marion? But I don't want this whole interview to sound like I'm whining."
Too late.
• Cornell Johnson
You mean the Cornell Johnson? The Cornell Johnson who declared himself eligible for the upcoming NFL draft, even though the Indiana State running back only played six games this season, two of which he rushed for negative yards? The Cornell Johnson who is the only Division I-AA junior to choose early entry? The Cornell Johnson ranked by Scouts Inc. as the 54th-best back in the draft?
Sounds like a smart career move to me.
• Boston Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelbon
Someone has been sniffing too much pine tar again.
That's the only explanation for Papelbon's decision to get a Mohawk haircut after "winning" a bet with teammate Kevin Youkilis.
Papelbon had said he'd pitch 10 scoreless innings before the Sox first baseman could hit five dingers and bat .350. Entering Tuesday night's game against Cleveland, Papelbon had gone 11 1/3 innings without giving up a run. Meanwhile, Youkilis was hitting .318 with one home run.
"Unfortunately, I ended up winning," Papelbon told MLB.com.
Papelbon is the same person who throws shaving cream pies into his own face and gives himself hot foots.
• Ricky Manning
Here's a good way to impress your new employers, in this case, the Chicago Bears: sign a $21 million, five-year offer sheet, and then get arrested on suspicion of assault.
• Denise and LaMar Griffin
The mother and stepfather of Heisman Trophy winner (for now) Reggie Bush just happened to lease a San Diego-area house owned by Michael Michaels, who just happened to run a fledgling marketing firm. Michaels also just happened to know San Diego agent David Caravantes, who just happened to want to represent the potential No. 1 pick in Saturday's NFL draft. And the Griffins just happened to move out of the house shortly after the story broke.
Otherwise, there's absolutely nothing suspicious about this real-estate arrangement.
• Sanjay Kumar
The co-owner (for now) of the New York Islanders is in a teensy-weensy bit of trouble after pleading guilty Monday to obstruction of justice and securities fraud. Kumar, the former CEO of Computer Associates International, apparently was fond of playing chef, as in cooking the books. The feds will now place him in the penalty box.
At least, he'll have a No-Brainer to keep him company.
Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com. You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com.
