If only these shows were on these networks

Updated: July 11, 2006, 2:53 PM ET
By Gene Wojciechowski | ESPN.com

First the Golf Channel. Then the NBA Network, then the NFL Network. And now the Big Ten Conference plans to unveil its very own Big Ten Channel beginning in August 2007.

What's next?

You don't want to know.

    CROSSING JORDAN
    The Michael Jordan Network
    Channel 23
    2:30 p.m.-3 p.m.
    Newly signed Adam Morrison angers MJ when Morrison dunks on him during a Throw-The-Wadded-Paper-Into-The-Wastebasket pickup game. Jordan retaliates by stealing Morrison's blood-sugar monitor.

    SMALLVILLE
    PGA Tour Network
    Channel 18
    8 p.m.-8:30 p.m.
    After disposing of major markets such as Chicago, San Francisco, Washington and Philadelphia, tour commissioner Tim Finchem travels to Pierre, S.D., in hopes of convincing city officials to host an annual tournament. Next up: Salina, Kan.!

    YO MAMMA
    Little League World Series Network
    Channel 103
    2 p.m.-2:30 p.m.
    Little League dads embarrass their sons by yelling out-of-date insults at $6-a-game umpires.

    GRAY'S ANATOMY
    The Broadcasters Network
    Channel 9
    5:30 a.m.-6 a.m.
    ESPN/ABC reporter Jim Gray shops for a new a toenail clipper and picks lint from his belly button.

Lou Capozzola/Getty ImagesThe James Dolan Channel would offer textbook reality TV: the disintegration of the Knicks on Isiah Thomas' watch.

    LOST
    Fantasy Baseball Network
    Channel 804
    3 a.m.-5 a.m.
    One of Eric Karabell's 14 fantasy league teams wins the weekly standings and a $5 bonus. Eric celebrates by completing an "awesome" trade for Willie Bloomquist. He emerges from his basement office to learn his wife is gone, gas is at $3 per gallon, and Iraq is embroiled in civil war.

    CSI: NEW YORK
    The James Dolan Channel
    Channel 0
    7:30 p.m.-9:45 p.m.
    Isiah Thomas kills the Knicks.

    WALKER, TEXAS RANGER
    The National League Network
    Channel 16
    11:59 p.m.-12 a.m.
    Todd Walker gets traded from the Chicago Cubs to the Texas Rangers.

    FEAR FACTOR
    The Mid-Major Network
    Channel 25
    12:01 a.m.-12:01 p.m.
    Athletic directors from the Sun Belt and Mid-American conferences try to convince major football programs to schedule home-and-home games with their league teams.

    THE CLOSER
    PGA Tour Network
    Channel 18
    8 p.m.-8:05 p.m.
    Tour commissioner Tim Finchem divulges all of his negotiating tips and secrets.

    RESCUE ME
    The Mark Cuban Network
    Channel 100
    6 p.m.-6:30 p.m.
    Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki pins his team owner against an HD-ready plasma screen and tells him to quit "sprecken de English" at NBA referees.

    ACTORS STUDIO
    The Soccer Channel
    Channel 81
    8 p.m.-9 p.m.
    Host James Lipton discusses the flop techniques used by World Cup players when grazed by an opponent.

    WITHOUT A TRACE
    The Larry Brown Network
    Channel 621
    6:30 p.m.-7:30 p.m.
    Larry tries to disappear with $40 million.

    LAS VEGAS
    The Poker Channel
    Channel 21
    1 p.m.-2 p.m.
    Phil Hellmuth and Jesus Ferguson go shopping for sunglasses. Hellmuth reduces the sales associate to tears when he menacingly asks her, "Have you won nine bracelets? Well, have you?"

    ANTIQUES ROADSHOW
    The Barry Bonds Network
    ESPN
    2 a.m.-3 a.m.
    Oops. Sore subject.

    EBERT & ROEPER
    The Eddie Griffin Network
    Channel 178
    1 a.m.-2 a.m.
    Eddie reviews the latest adult videos while piloting a Cessna into one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes.

    SURVIVOR
    The Crotch Rocket Channel
    Channel 7
    4:30 p.m.-5 p.m.
    Ben Roethlisberger shops for his first motorcycle helmet.

    BIG BREAK V
    The New York Mets Network
    Channel 53-36
    7:10 p.m.-10:10 p.m.
    The Mets move on to the next show while Philadelphia, Atlanta, Florida and Washington struggle to reach .500.

    DR. PHIL
    The Zen Network
    Channel 8
    9 p.m.-11 p.m.
    Phil Jackson counsels a confused Kobe Bryant about taking shots in the second half of a Game 7.

    ENTOURAGE
    The LeBron James Channel
    Channels 2 or 3
    8 a.m.-midnight
    James says, "Jump." The Cleveland Cavaliers say, "How high?"

    AMERICA'S MOST WANTED
    The George Mitchell Network
    Channel 11
    10:30 a.m.-11 a.m.
    With your help, former senator Mitchell tracks down big league players who use steroids or HGH. At least, that's the plan.

Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com. You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com.

Gene Wojciechowski | email

Columnist / College Football reporter