Updated: July 11, 2006, 2:53 PM ET
If only these shows were on these networks
First the Golf Channel. Then the NBA Network, then the NFL Network. And now the Big Ten Conference plans to unveil its very own Big Ten Channel beginning in August 2007.
What's next?
You don't want to know.
- CROSSING JORDAN
The Michael Jordan Network
Channel 23
2:30 p.m.-3 p.m.
Newly signed Adam Morrison angers MJ when Morrison dunks on him during a Throw-The-Wadded-Paper-Into-The-Wastebasket pickup game. Jordan retaliates by stealing Morrison's blood-sugar monitor.
- SMALLVILLE
PGA Tour Network
Channel 18
8 p.m.-8:30 p.m.
After disposing of major markets such as Chicago, San Francisco, Washington and Philadelphia, tour commissioner Tim Finchem travels to Pierre, S.D., in hopes of convincing city officials to host an annual tournament. Next up: Salina, Kan.!
- YO MAMMA
Little League World Series Network
Channel 103
2 p.m.-2:30 p.m.
Little League dads embarrass their sons by yelling out-of-date insults at $6-a-game umpires.
- GRAY'S ANATOMY
The Broadcasters Network
Channel 9
5:30 a.m.-6 a.m.
ESPN/ABC reporter Jim Gray shops for a new a toenail clipper and picks lint from his belly button.
Lou Capozzola/Getty ImagesThe James Dolan Channel would offer textbook reality TV: the disintegration of the Knicks on Isiah Thomas' watch.
- LOST
Fantasy Baseball Network
Channel 804
3 a.m.-5 a.m.
One of Eric Karabell's 14 fantasy league teams wins the weekly standings and a $5 bonus. Eric celebrates by completing an "awesome" trade for Willie Bloomquist. He emerges from his basement office to learn his wife is gone, gas is at $3 per gallon, and Iraq is embroiled in civil war.
- CSI: NEW YORK
The James Dolan Channel
Channel 0
7:30 p.m.-9:45 p.m.
Isiah Thomas kills the Knicks.
- WALKER, TEXAS RANGER
The National League Network
Channel 16
11:59 p.m.-12 a.m.
Todd Walker gets traded from the Chicago Cubs to the Texas Rangers.
- FEAR FACTOR
The Mid-Major Network
Channel 25
12:01 a.m.-12:01 p.m.
Athletic directors from the Sun Belt and Mid-American conferences try to convince major football programs to schedule home-and-home games with their league teams.
- THE CLOSER
PGA Tour Network
Channel 18
8 p.m.-8:05 p.m.
Tour commissioner Tim Finchem divulges all of his negotiating tips and secrets.
- RESCUE ME
The Mark Cuban Network
Channel 100
6 p.m.-6:30 p.m.
Dallas Mavericks star Dirk Nowitzki pins his team owner against an HD-ready plasma screen and tells him to quit "sprecken de English" at NBA referees.
- ACTORS STUDIO
The Soccer Channel
Channel 81
8 p.m.-9 p.m.
Host James Lipton discusses the flop techniques used by World Cup players when grazed by an opponent.
- WITHOUT A TRACE
The Larry Brown Network
Channel 621
6:30 p.m.-7:30 p.m.
Larry tries to disappear with $40 million.
- LAS VEGAS
The Poker Channel
Channel 21
1 p.m.-2 p.m.
Phil Hellmuth and Jesus Ferguson go shopping for sunglasses. Hellmuth reduces the sales associate to tears when he menacingly asks her, "Have you won nine bracelets? Well, have you?"
- ANTIQUES ROADSHOW
The Barry Bonds Network
ESPN
2 a.m.-3 a.m.
Oops. Sore subject.
- EBERT & ROEPER
The Eddie Griffin Network
Channel 178
1 a.m.-2 a.m.
Eddie reviews the latest adult videos while piloting a Cessna into one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes.
- SURVIVOR
The Crotch Rocket Channel
Channel 7
4:30 p.m.-5 p.m.
Ben Roethlisberger shops for his first motorcycle helmet.
- BIG BREAK V
The New York Mets Network
Channel 53-36
7:10 p.m.-10:10 p.m.
The Mets move on to the next show while Philadelphia, Atlanta, Florida and Washington struggle to reach .500.
- DR. PHIL
The Zen Network
Channel 8
9 p.m.-11 p.m.
Phil Jackson counsels a confused Kobe Bryant about taking shots in the second half of a Game 7.
- ENTOURAGE
The LeBron James Channel
Channels 2 or 3
8 a.m.-midnight
James says, "Jump." The Cleveland Cavaliers say, "How high?"
- AMERICA'S MOST WANTED
The George Mitchell Network
Channel 11
10:30 a.m.-11 a.m.
With your help, former senator Mitchell tracks down big league players who use steroids or HGH. At least, that's the plan.
Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com. You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com.
