Calling all would-be Masters contenders

Updated: April 6, 2007, 9:43 AM ET

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By Gene Wojciechowski
ESPN.com
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AUGUSTA, Ga. -- To all Masters contestants not named Tiger:

It has come to my attention that most of you couldn't win a green jacket if Bobby Jones himself left instructions on how to master the Masters. You try -- I'll give you that -- but nobody here cares about runners-up. Second-place finishes at Augusta National are about as useful as application forms for women members.

With the exception of Tom Watson, who's old enough not to give a damn what anybody thinks, the rest of you who teed off here Thursday won't admit the obvious: Tiger Woods freaks you out. He has two-thirds of you beat before he even pulls off his fuzzy animal headcover. It's like he came here to make history and you came here for the azaleas and peach cobbler.

Thursday is the day to get Woods and almost all of you blew it. He's only broken par during four of his previous 12 first rounds here and never broken 70. This time was no different. Off the tees, Tiger's game was uglier than Ian Poulter's wardrobe, and he didn't make his first birdie until the 13th hole. He spent much of the round dropping clubs in disgust and throwing little hissy fits. And now the terrifying part: He grinded out a 1-over-par 73 and lurks only four strokes behind co-leaders Justin Rose and Brett Wetterich. This is not good news, fellas.

Andrew Redington/Getty ImagesTiger Woods shot a 1-over 73 on Thursday, but is only four shots off the pace.

"I just threw away a good round of golf," said Woods after he finished bogey-bogey to inch above par. "I'm not real happy about that right now."

Ninety-five players not named Tiger made their way around the slightly chilled, slightly breezy and totally devious course. It would be nice to report that you responded to the conditions -- and to the presence of Woods -- like you were serious about breaking his chokehold on this tournament. But, sigh, you didn't. Only nine of you broke par.

Woods won here in 2005. He's won three of the last six Masters and four altogether. In fact, this is the 10-year anniversary of his 12-shot, wax-and-buff victory over a 1997 field that spent the week curled in the fetal position. But you already knew that, didn't you? And you probably don't need a reminder about Woods being halfway to another TigerSlam.

This was supposed to be the year Woods would be distracted by personal circumstances. He's 31. He's running his own PGA Tour event, starting a course architect business, overseeing construction at his Florida mansion on TigerLand, and is counting the days until his first child is born later this summer. He's thinking, "I wonder if Nike can develop a poop-less diaper. If not, I'll just get Stevie to change them."

Earlier in the week, Watson, the two-time Masters champion, told the Augusta Chronicle that Woods was the lead conductor on the worldwide golf train. "He's going to be driving that train for a long time," said Watson, who, in essence, was telling you thanks for stopping by the booth, that you're irrelevant.

Is he right?

Hey, Phil Mickelson? I know you say you're over the Phil Phailure at last June's U.S. Open, but I'm not subscribing to Mickelson Monthly. There are no corporate hospitality tents or Ian Woosnam-deep rough (I'm sorry ... "second cut") here at Augusta National and you still posted an opening-round, 4-over-par 76. You wore black Thursday. Shoot another 76 on Friday and you can wear white -- as in, I give up -- on the charter jet back home that night.

Uh, Ernie Els? You say the knee is healed and your game is locked and loaded. You arrived here so confident that those close to you described your attitude as almost cocky. And then you shot a 78.

Hello, Sergio Garcia? It's time to channel your inner Ryder Cup and start playing as if you're in match play against the Yanks. We've just about it had with the You've-Got-The-Game-To-Win-Here stories. After Thursday's 76, we're not sure you're ever going to win a major, especially here, where Augusta National's greens are harder than than the Butler Cabin roof. After all, you're not exactly Mr. Putt.

Pre-Masters chic pick Aaron Baddeley? You played true to your name -- badly -- thanks to a 79.

Vijay Singh? You're hawking something called the Speed Stik? Isn't that a deodorant? Tiger doesn't do that. Tiger does the crown jewels of endorsement products: cars, watches that cost more than MRI machines, and anything with a swoosh on it. Stiks, not so much. But we cut you some slack because you're one of the few guys out here who doesn't automatically defer to Woods. You respect him, but don't revere him. Plus, other than Tiger, you're the only two-time winner on the tour this season. And that 73 keeps you even with Eldrick.

Paul Casey (79), Jim Furyk (75), Augusta local Charles Howell III (75), Adam Scott (74), Geoff Ogilvy (75), Mike Weir (75), Retief Goosen (76)? Just be glad Billy Packer isn't in the CBS 18th tower this week with his NCAA Tournament partner Jim Nantz. He'd make Johnny Miller sound like a wallflower. Jim, I've really got to question the judgment of the Masters selection committee. I don't know what chairman Billy Payne is thinking, but there's way too many mid-majors in this field. And they're scared to death of Tiger. If Woods threw a rolled-up newspaper, half of these guys would go fetch it.

Nothing personal, but Tiger probably isn't too worried about who is on the first-round leaderboard. In case you've forgotten, Woods has more green jackets than the 14 players in front of him have major championships. And he has a history of cranking it up here during the second and third rounds. Uh-oh.

Of course, maybe one of you can still make a move. Maybe you can take the elevator up to the Tiger's level for a full four days of Masters pressure. Maybe ... but I doubt it.

Gene Wojciechowski is the senior national columnist for ESPN.com. You can contact him at gene.wojciechowski@espn3.com.