Commentary

Not that there's anything wrong with that

Updated: September 22, 2010, 12:29 PM ET
By Rick Reilly | ESPN.com

Brett Favre, Pete Carroll and Eli ManningUS Presswire, Getty ImagesIf you have a friend who likes Brett Favre's Vikings, Pete Carroll's Seahawks or Eli Manning's Giants -- Rick Reilly has a few "complisults" you can use.

A "complisult" is half-compliment, half-insult. It's not until you're driving home in your Prius that a complisult slaps you across the cheek.

A few complisults:

"You're so pretty. I'll bet you used to model, am I right?"

"You drive the coolest minivan in the neighborhood!"

"The weight you've gained in your face looks good. Takes out the creases."

Complisults are key to getting in your digs without getting your nose flattened into a tortilla for you. During football season, complisulting is essential. For instance, if you're sitting on a stool at your favorite sports bar this Sunday and a stranger plops down next to you in the wrong jersey, you need one ready. For instance …

To a Steelers fan, you could say: "You're so lucky. Your team makes news all year round!"

To an Eagles fan: "Not a lot of teams would give a convicted felon control of their team. Good for you guys."

To a Jags fan: "I'll bet those home TV blackouts are a relief some weeks, huh?"

To a Chargers fan: "Man, you must really relish the regular season!"

To a Vikings fan: "It's so cool that you got that old drifter dude back to quarterback you guys again!"

To a Colts fan: "Hey, at least you won't have to go through that whole 'Should we rest our starters or go undefeated?' thing again this year!"

To a Packers fan: "With Favre gone, it must feel good to be out of the glare of the national spotlight."

To a Panthers fan: "I love watching you guys. You have to throw so much in the second half, it really makes it fun!"

To a Seahawks fan: "Man, I wish I could be as patient with losing as you guys."

To a Bears fan: "Dude, when you talk about a team that's history, you're talking the Chicago Bears."

To a Patriots fan: "Hey, at least nobody can accuse you guys of cheating to win anymore."

To a Redskins fan: "I'll bet you're excited about the start of your latest rebuilding program, right?"

To a Raiders fan: "That's the thing I admire about Al Davis. He's his own man even if it means ruining his own franchise!"

To a Saints fan: "Saints fans are lucky. You can cheer for Reggie Bush with no reservations."

To a Chiefs fan: "Love the way you guys went out in the offseason and got yourselves a top-notch offensive coordinator. Nice."

To a Patriots fan: "Hey, at least nobody can accuse you guys of cheating to win anymore."

To a Rams fan: "I tell ya, I just think that's complete hogwash when people say Alabama could beat you guys. Complete hogwash."

To a Broncos fan: "It must be so rewarding to watch a young coach grow and learn from his mistakes."

To a Texans fan: "Must be great having your Januaries free."

To a Bengals fan: "I think T.O. has really changed. Just look at his time in Buffalo. He didn't do a single thing to draw attention to himself!"

To a Ravens fan: "I really admire Ray Lewis. Is this the year he's eligible for the Hall of Fame?"

To a Cowboys fan: "It's weird because Romo sure looks like a great quarterback."

To a Dolphins fan: "You're lucky. You know that nothing's gonna happen to make you take your eyes off your hot cheerleaders!"

To a Titans fan: "For the life of me, I just can't understand why you guys don't win more!"

To a Jets fan: "Hey, no matter what happens, I gotta thank you. You guys put on a helluva preseason."

To a Giants fan: "When your quarterback is the second-most talented Manning, you're doing pretty good."

To a Falcons fan: "You guys were in a Super Bowl, right? A long time ago?"

To a 49ers fan: "It must be nice not to have to worry too much about your team, so you can concentrate on fantasy, right?"

To a Bucs fan: "You know, there's a lot of players I don't like. But I can't think of a single player on your team that comes to mind."

To a Cardinals fan: "No, seriously! I hear Warner might come back!"

To a Bills fan: "Don't forget: Peter O'Toole was nominated eight times and never won an Oscar. Doesn't mean he wasn't pretty darn good."

To a Browns fan: "Man, I'll bet you can get really good seats even on the day of the game, right?"

To a Lions fan: "Worst ever? I mean, c'mon! Worst ever? I'm not buying that. No way."

And if it's me that sits down next to you, you can always say: "Wow, you always think of columns that nobody else would do!"


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Rick Reilly | email

Columnist, ESPN.com