The Quote Ma-Sheen
There's nothing more fascinating than a man whose life is circling the drain mistaking it for a Six Flags ride. That's why, for me, the more Charlie Sheen the better.
Please, Mark Cuban, do a show with this man. Please, Warner Brothers, do "Major League 3" with this man. Please, Quiksilver, come out with a Charlie Sheen mercury surfboard.
If Sheen would come to sports next, we sportswriter trolls would send a stretch limo to his house just for the privilege of writing down the fireballs that come out of his mouth.
Then again, with just a little cutting and pasting, maybe we don't have to wait.
"I exposed people to things they would never see in their normal lives." -- Brett Favre
"A little more, little more, add some gold. Bingo! I'm here to collect." -- Albert Pujols
"I have Tiger blood, man." -- Tony Parker
"I finally extracted myself from their troll hole." -- Carmelo Anthony
"Know that I'm better solo. I invented solo." -- LeBron James
"How I deliver things is so perfect and truthful and radical and so in your face that it grabs your teeth and shoves them so far down your throat that you go, 'Wow, what a lovely little snack.'" -- Peyton Manning
"You got a cup? I got nothin' to hide." -- Clay Matthews Jr.
"They're soft targets in cheap suits." -- Cecil Newton Sr.
"They can't hang with me. Their bones would melt like wax." -- Blake Griffin
"Can I have one part of my life that isn't TMZ'd up the butt?" -- Alex Rodriguez
"We have to go on a shopping spree in stores that don't exist yet." -- Cameron Diaz
"Everything. Next question." -- John Daly
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a rock star from Mars." -- Bill Belichick
"You can tell him one thing. I own him." -- Rex Ryan
"People die. Dogs die. What are you gonna do? Bring 'em back? Good luck." -- Michael Vick
"I was cured in the blink of an eye." -- Jay Cutler
"You're either in my corner or you're with the trolls." -- Floyd Mayweather
"Imagine what I would have done with my fire-breathing fists." -- Manny Pacquiao
"My conduct is bitchin'." -- Dwight Howard
"I don't fit into their format. Their format is cat s--- stuck to the bottom of my world-record-breaking sprinting, perfect, platinum Nikes." -- Marion Jones
"You can't process me with a normal brain." -- Manny Ramirez
"We beg for nothing. Beggars beg. Winners win. Period. The end. Suck it. Didn't make the rules. Am I barfing?" -- Roger Goodell
"I don't understand what I did wrong except live a life that everyone is jealous of." -- O.J. Simpson
"We need to hack him up in front of his children." -- Albert Haynesworth
"If you try it once, your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." -- Barry Bonds
"There was no real gratitude." -- Greg Anderson
"I use a blender. I use a vacuum cleaner." -- Dennis Rodman
"Let's talk about something exciting. Me." -- Tim Tebow
"Duh? Winning!" -- Tim Duncan
"Watch me bury you." -- James Harrison
"Sorry my life is so much more bitchin' than yours. I planned it that way." -- Tom Brady
"My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math." -- The late Rocky Marciano
"You're either down or you're up." -- Shaun White
"I will send a fastball into the cyber hole." -- Tim Lincecum
"Dyeing is for fools." -- Brian Wilson
"I'm bi-winning. I win here, and I win there." -- Cliff Lee
"I don't believe in panicking." -- Chris Webber
"Bring me a challenge. Somebody." -- Jimmie Johnson
"I've spent close to the last decade effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold." -- Mark Cuban
"I don't live in the middle anymore. That's where you get embarrassed in front of the prom queen." -- Chris Paul
"Don't remember. Don't care. Drug tests don't lie." -- Lance Armstrong
"We had a saying that the fun stops at one." -- Drew Brees
"I just thought after you wailing on me for eight years, I thought I could take a few shots back. I didn't know you were going to take your little ball and go home." -- Phil Mickelson
"I dare you to keep up with me." -- Tiger Woods
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Rick Reilly is the 11-time National Sportswriter of the Year. He contributes essays and commentary to "SportsCenter" and ESPN/ABC golf and tennis coverage. He's also the host of "Homecoming," ESPN's unique, one-hour interview show set in the hometowns of legendary athletes. For more Rick, check out the archive.
Feel like taking a detour from sane sports? Try Rick's new book, "Sports from Hell."
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LIFE OF REILLY
RICK REILLY, 52, has been voted National Sportswriter of the Year 11 times. His latest book is called "Sports From Hell: My Two-year Search for the World's Dumbest Competition." A finalist for the 2011 Thurber Prize for Humor, it's the account of his search for the dumbest sport in the world.
Not to give anything away, but a good bet would be either Ferret Legging or Chess Boxing. It also includes embarrassing attempts by Reilly to try Nude Bicycle Racing, Zorbing, Extreme Ironing, the World Rock Paper Scissors Championships and an unfortunate week on a women's pro football team.