No. 69: Chicago White Sox

Ultimate Standings 2012

Updated: September 6, 2012, 5:57 PM ET
By Morty Ain | ESPN The Magazine

Last year's rank: 57
Title track: 26
Ownership: 60
Coaching: 79
Players: 71
Fan relations: 63
Affordability: 71
Stadium experience: 95
Bang for the buck: 77

Fans miss the Mouth from the South. Robin Ventura might have this team in first, but he ain't no Mother F'n Ozzie (No. 33 last year). That's a shame because with fan favorite Mark Buehrle skipping town after 12 seasons, the 2005 World Series is slowly slipping from memory. And while Philip Humber was shockingly perfect this year, the memory of Adam Dunn's 2011 being anything but still remains (.064/.235/.074 against lefties). However, the South Side's greatest problem might lay in its bones. Attendance has dipped for the sixth straight season despite management's efforts. Renovating the cookie-cutter US Cell has been a yearly offseason tradition, but no matter what they try (metro station, multilevel restaurant, outdoor beer garden) it's too new to be Wrigley and too old to be a draw. Not even slashing ticket prices by almost 30% could lure the crowd. The Cubbies, who are more than 20 games out of first, hawk stubs that are $17 pricier, yet they still outdraw the Chicago White Sox by nearly 12,000 a game. It's that math that spawned the Take Jake promotion -- 44 percent off upcoming games if you voted Jake Peavy into the All-Star Game (he lost out to Texas' Yu Darvish). So you can have Snoop Dogg Tebow-ing after the first pitch and Bob Saget singing the national anthem (no, that is not a misprint), but the way to win in this town is by beating the Cubs where they can't compete: championships.