BEHAVE YOURSELF, FOOTBALL FANS!

If you're heading to a NFL stadium this weekend, please be mindful of the league's new fan conduct rules:

1. No throwing beer! You were forced to pay $12 a cup for it, so don't be wasteful.

2. No touching other fans. No hugging them. No tackling them. No sitting on their laps. No taking their belongings. No spitting. No pushing. In short, you may not embarrass your fellow fans in any way. All of these activities are the sole domain of our team mascots.

3. How about a courtesy flush, please?

4. Women may not wear skirts that end above the knee, or tops that show cleavage. In short, if you are dressed like a cheerleader, you are in violation of the fan dress code. And in gross violation if you are not attractive.

5. Shirts with crude or explicit language printed on them may not be worn. Unless it is a direct quote from an NFL coach.

6. No guns larger than Ed Hochuli's are allowed.

7. Anyone wearing a Ricky Williams jersey will be searched.

8. When leaving your seat to get food, a good rule of thumb is to always ask yourself: "Am I currently wearing at least one item of clothing more than Lions assistant Joe Cullen?"

9. Barrel pants may not be worn unless they are accompanied by barrel shirts.

10. You may not be shirtless if you have back hair. Unless you have a team logo, player number or logo of an NFL corporate sponsor shaved into it.
--DJ Gallo

A SEASON IN THE STANDS

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