by Michael Philbrick

Also Receiving Votes

  • Ohio State under the cap with Ginn in draft
  • "Lights Out" dance sweeps N.E. club scene
  • Grossman wishes it were an away game

Oddities

  • Odds on who will sponsor 72-year-old James Hylton's car at Daytona:
  • 100 to 1 America Online
  • 5 to 1 Old Spice
  • 2 to 1 Del Boca Vista, Phase III

Not In This Issue

  • Tickets, press passes still available for AFC Championship Game
  • Tiger Woods drives actual Buick to Buick Invitational
  • Bengals miss arrest quota, vow to do better
  • SPEECHES WE SHOULD HAVE HEARD AT THE GOLDEN GLOBES
  • 1 Best screenplay: Gilbert Arenas in "Agent Zero"

    "I know what you're thinking, a 3-pointer at the buzzer to win it is pretty corny, but if you saw who else was on this team, you'd be forced to write the same ending. Oh, I'd like to thank my teammates for continually passing me the ball and not trying to score. And special thanks to MJ, you taught so much about how to win."

  • 2 Best actor, drama: Kobe Bryant in "Shaq vs. Kobe XII"

    "Even though we beat the Heat Monday night and Shaq didn't even play – again – that's not important. I'm just so proud to live in a country where two grown men can forge an NBA dynasty and win three NBA championships together but decide they're better off without each other simply because of egos and still end up being revered by millions of fans and making millions of dollars."

  • 3 Best miniseries: "Patriot Games III: 2006 AFC Championship"

    Accepting the award, Mr. Tom Brady: "First off, I'd like to thank Marty Schottenheimer for challenging that fumble and only giving LT the ball 23 times. We wouldn't be here without him. Also, I'd like to thank Mo Lewis for shearing a blood vessel in Drew Bledsoe's chest back in 2001. I really wouldn't be here without him. And my biggest and final thanks to you, Peyton … for everything."

  • 4 Best supporting actor: Chris Webber for "Waiver Wire"

    "Wow, it's great to be on the Pistons, back home in Michigan. I really wanted this to happen, money was never the issue. In fact, I'm making less money this season than I did when I played for the Wolverines. Seriously, I'm that committed."

  • 5 Best actress, musical or comedy: Maria Sharapova for "Australian Open: Round 1"

    "I'm so excited you liked the match, there really was something for everyone. There was the drama of my tummy ache, which the trainer later told me was an injury to my 'pride.' Where is my pride? I'm still learning the language, you know? Oh, and how funny was it when the ball fell out of that other girl's pants? I almost peed!"

  • 6 Best foreign language film: O.J. Simpson, based on his "Life With Nicole" book

    "When I decided to write a book about my life with Nicole Brown, I thought I had someone write it for me in English, so I'm not sure why I'm in this category. Although all the people I've tried to do business with the past decade have said to me, 'Mr. Simpson, do you think we're speaking a foreign language? We said no.' Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hide this award from Fred Goldman."

  • 7 Best original score: Adrian Peterson for "NFL Draft 2007"

    "I appreciate this award, but as I said before, going pro was a business decision. The way I saw it, why sit around on the sideline injured for most of the season for free when I could sit around on the sideline injured for most of the season and get paid for it."

Tuesday January 16

  • 1 Iowa at Indiana: 7 pm, ESPN

    Not since Montana vs. Utah Valley State has the happiness of so many white people been at stake.

  • 2 Columbus at Chicago: 7:30 pm, Versus

    Seriously. The NHL is still playing. Yes, there's even a team in Ohio. I'm not making this up.

  • 3 Magic at Hornets: 8 pm, NBATV

    If you have Jan. 16 in your pool for when Grant Hill will suffer his annual career-ending injury, you'll probably want to tune in.