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"Good morning and thanks for calling the FCC, Sports Division, how may I help you?"
"Yeah, I was watching TV last week, I think it was Sunday?"
"Yes, sir, you and everybody else."
"Well, I was watching basketball and after the game Shaquille O'Neal started swearing right in my living room. I got kids, you know? What'll I tell 'em when this guy starts dropping F bombs into my living room?"
"Sir, there's only so much we here at the newly formed FCC Sports Division can investigate, and we're kind of busy ..."
"Yeah, well that's not all. After the game I was watching the Super Bowl pregame show? And they did this thing that was called 'Crank Yankers' or something?"
"Well, I don't know what it had to do with football, but they did a prank phone call to Michael Strahan where they made fun of fat people."
"Sir, we're kind of busy, and that falls under what we call 'The Fair Comment ...'"
"Let me finish. I myself am what you'd call a fat man, all right? I struggle with my weight, and to see this kind of thing when I'm trying to get ready for a football game? I mean, how do you think I felt, sitting there with my kids, watching them make fun of fat people? You think I don't have feelings? My kids looking at me with their big innocent eyes ..."
"Sir, you could have turned the channel."
"Hey, I'm not finished. I'm watching the halftime show and ..."
"Sir, Michael Powell Himself is looking into that one."
"Well, yeah, she's grinding herself into that skinny twerp, and Kid Rock turns my stomach, and then all of a sudden I got a bared breast right there on live television. I got kids, you know?"
"Yes, sir, I've gathered that."
"And then I hear there was a streaker before the second half? I want to know how the sporting event with the highest security level in history has a guy dancing in his jockstrap at the 30-yard line. He had the name of an online casino on his body, I hear."
"Yes, sir, he did, but to the network's credit they didn't show that man."
"I know. I was just wondering if it was true."
"And he danced like a jig or something?"
"That's some funny stuff. Did you see it?"
"Yes I did, sir, a tape of the incident made its way into our offices."
"Wow. And he was out there for what, 30 seconds?"
"Must of been something."
"Let me assure you, sir, it was hilarious."
"Damn. Sorry I missed it. Think you could, you know, send me the tape or something?"
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Tim Keown is a senior writer for ESPN The Magazine.