Commentary

Steve Smith isn't only one with a camp!

Originally Published: June 24, 2010
By DJ Gallo | Page 2

Steve Smith originally said he broke his arm playing flag football at his youth football camp.

We later learned that wasn't the whole story. But one part was true: Smith has a youth football camp. Many other NFL players and coaches do, too. But I don't have access to a full list. So let's just pretend this is it:

Albert Haynesworth Defensive Lineman Camp

Learn all the skills needed to become an NFL defensive lineman! (Note: Haynesworth might not actually show up to host his camp. Or he might suddenly tell you dues have gone up or that he wants you to move to another camp.) Have fun!

Rex Ryan Coaching Camp

Want your son to learn the X's and O's of coaching football?! Well, this ain't the right camp for him! Come to Rex Ryan's Coaching Camp to have fun and to go home a week later as a man. Send him here, and he'll learn new curse words, different ways to fry a pizza, and the proper form and technique for smashing a beer can on his head. Also: how to play some hard-nosed #*%$@!^ DEFENSE! If this isn't the best coaching camp there is … well, it will be soon, 'cause we put out a bounty on the other ones!

Reggie Bush Running Back Camp

Hosted by Heisman Trophy winner and Super Bowl champion Reggie Bush! Learn how to become a multidimensional running back. (Note: All campers will be given a thorough background check to make sure they aren't USC fans coming to the camp just to punch Bush in the face.)

Jeff Reed Kicking Camp

Come learn how to be a successful kicker in all weather conditions and all mental states. Hair gel, dye and paper towels provided. Prepare to be iced, bros.

Shane Lechler Punting Camp

Hosted by Shane Lechler, NFL punting average leader in 2009! Who wants to spend their summer learning how to punt?! Really? No one? Yeah, I kind of expected that. Well, I'll still show up. If you get bored or your other plans fall through, feel free to stop by. I'll be in the parking lot outside the Oakland Coliseum getting my punt on.

Hank Baskett Football Camp

Hosted by "NFL star" Hank Baskett, as seen in US Weekly and People magazine! This year's camp will focus on route running and pass catching and -- new this year! -- fielding onside kicks. And, yes, Kendra will make an appearance at the camp, so you can stop calling and asking.

Wes Welker Football Camp

This camp is all about learning scrappiness. We'll have 1,000 campers, but only 200 beds. Two thousand feet, but only 47 cleats. Ten thousand fingers, but no gloves. Learn to catch with your bare hands first! Like a man!

Randy Moss Football Camp

This camp will be held at the same time as the Wes Welker Football Camp and on the same property. But we're not wasting time with all the stuff they do there. We learn how to score touchdowns here. That's it. No credit cards accepted. Straight cash, homey.

JaMarcus Russell Fat Camp

The former No. 1 overall pick in the NFL draft will help you drop those unwanted pounds! Campers are required to bring all of their junk and snack food from their homes to camp. Upon reporting to camp, they must leave the food outside Mr. Russell's cabin. (It's the one with the walk-in refrigerator sticking out the back.) After leaving the food outside his cabin, campers will go home.

Brett Favre Quarterback Camp

Beginning at noon on June 28, all camper application forms must be submitted by noon on June 28. Learn the fundamentals of playing quarterback, as well as the philosophy of the gunslinger lifestyle. Camp awards include: Most Outstanding Player, Toughest Player and Most Grizzled Player. Most camp activities will be full games, as practice is dumb. But the games will end midway through the fourth quarter to spare anyone of any unnecessary embarrassment. Wrangler jeans and ridiculously soiled baseball caps required at all times!

Terrell Owens Wide Receiver Camp

Learn from one of the greatest NFL receivers of all time! This camp still has many spots available. Why is no one signing up? You can still get a lot out of this camp. We think the camp is just misunderstood. Come on. Give this camp a chance. You can do it for, like, 50 bucks for the whole week. OK, 25 bucks. Non-guaranteed. Do we have a deal? OK, think about it and let us know. But the camp starts soon so … you know. Please. We'll be waiting by the phone.

Tom Brady Camp

Day 1: How to select and wear the perfect ascot.

Day 2: Tips on caring for and loving tiny dogs.

Day 3: The Justin Bieber hairdo -- how to grow and maintain your very own!

Day 4: Field trip to Cabo!

Day 5: We may or may not make it back from Cabo in time to do some footbally stuff.

Peyton Manning Quarterback Camp

Campers must memorize a 900-page playbook by the end of camp or they won't be allowed to go home. Each day begins at 6 a.m. and ends at midnight. But all campers will be expected to arrive early and stay late. One hour of fun and relaxation is scheduled for Wednesday morning, during which campers will film ads for the camp. Be professional!

Eli Manning Summer Camp

S'mores! S'mores! S'mores! Also, arts and crafts and singing around the campfire. (Please: no scary stories.)

DJ Gallo is the founder of SportsPickle.com. His first book, "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck," is available from only the finest bargain book retailers. His next book project will be released soon. You can follow him on Twitter at @DJGalloESPN.


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