Page 2 staff
Not to rain on the happy parade of a 39-37 team, but
George Steinbrenner's patience "is a little short," according to the Boss's latest statement. Big Stein has called a summit of the team's front-office brass at Yankee headquarters in Tampa to evaluate the state of the franchise.
Don't underestimate the importance of this summit. We need the Yankees to starting winning some games. We need to restore the balance of power. What, you want to live through another celebration of a World Series victory by Red Sox fans?
Luckily, we're here to help out the Boss, Brian Cashman, Stick Michael and the rest of the Yankee think tank. So here is Page 2's day-by-day to-do list to get the Yankees fixed by the July 31st trade deadline.
Sign up Bernie Williams for an appearance on "Dancing With the Stars" to improve his footwork in center field.
Order third-base coach Luis Sojo to steal Jason Giambi's first-base glove from his locker, dip it in Alex Rodriguez's hair gel, set fire to it and drop it into the Hudson River.
Replace Ronan Tynan singing "God Bless America" during the seventh-inning stretch with Billy Ocean signing "When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going."
Give Joe Torre a copy of the Yankee stat sheet with Tony Womack's batting average (.239), on-base percentage (.273) and slugging percentage (.263) circled in red ink. Give Torre subtle reminder that those numbers make Womack the 790th best hitter in the majors leagues (out of 792), according to Baseball Prospectus.
Hire Baseball Prospectus for further statistical analysis, such as ... "Giambi can't play first, Cano has hands as soft as Roberto Duran's, Jeter's range is below-average, A-Rod seems to tighten up in crucial situations, keep Matsui out of center, Bernie is more washed up than Billy Crystal's Levis from 'City Slickers,' and Sheffield isn't exactly Ichiro in right field."
Add a chin-strap to Gary Sheffield's helmet so he'll no longer rip it off his head in fits of anger and get thrown out of games.
Trade Paul Quantrill to the Chicago Bandits for Jennie Finch.
Put life-size cardboard cutout of Anna Benson in team clubhouse. Remove "clothing" piece by piece until Yankees clinch wild card.
Hire former Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge to ensure delivery of caps for Cap Day.
Now selling hot dogs in section 39, Kevin Brown and Jaret Wright! "Get your wieners now!"
If Bernie is still stumbling around in center field, hire group of Navy Seals to infiltrate Shea Stadium and make off with Carlos Beltran.
Instead of sending players home for All-Star break, schedule three-day seminar at the LaGuardia Airport Holiday Inn with Dr. Phil to foster team-bonding and interpersonal relationships.
Make a big splash during the All-Star break to divert attention from lack of All-Stars by replacing hitting coach Don Mattingly with Danny Tartabull.
Watch All-Star Game with Theo Epstein. Ply him with unused champagne from 2004 ALCS celebration. Ask him if he'd be willing to trade David Ortiz for Jason Giambi. Tell him you'll even throw in Tony Womack to be nice.
Assign Brian Cashman to listen to WFAN all day to take notes on trade proposals made by callers.
For first game of series against Red Sox at Fenway, make sure Tom Gordon's locker has a four-day supply of Dramamine available.
Hire Jeremy Roenick to conduct Joe Torre's postgame media sessions.
If the Navy Seals fail to capture Beltran, sign Air Bud to play center field.
To keep fans interested, have "200 Million Bottles of Beer on the Wall" sing along. By order of the Office of Homeland Security, the bleachers will be closed for this game.
Strip all team employees of medical insurance, fire Cotton-Eye Joe and send the resulting cash to San Francisco to help acquire Jason Schmidt.
See if Jeter can throw a few innings of middle relief from time to time. As the team captain, let's see some leadership, some sacrifice. Hey, Paul O'Neill and Scott Brosius would have done it.
Cancel Sean Henn bobblehead night.
Teach all coaches and player new sign for "Thanks Alex, but we got this one" whenever there's a meeting at the pitcher's mound.
In order to build team confidence, send team on a "practice" parade route through the Canyon of Heroes. Unused World Series tickets from 2004 can be shredded and used as confetti.
Just in case the Air Bud thing doesn't work out, start trolling the free-agent waters for best available defensive center fielders. Suggested names: Mickey Rivers, Omar Moreno, Gary Pettis, Garry Maddox, Dwayne Murphy.
Cancel plans to build David Ortiz monument in Monument Park. Stick to old tradition of building monuments for retired Yankee players only.
Let the fans pick today's starting pitcher! Brown, Wright, Henn or Sturtze ... fans discover new respect for Torre.
Start playing inspirational video tribute to Paul O'Neill after every inning.
Trade Tony Womack to San Diego Surf Dawgs for Rickey Henderson.
Fire Alex Rodriguez's therapist. Replace with new team doctor: Victor Conte.
If team is still out of the playoff picture, unveil the Yankee Death Star superstructure. And if that doesn't work ...
Contributors include David Schoenfield, Patrick Hruby, Michael Philbrick, Eric Neel, John Broder and Paul Augeri.
Swap entire roster for plucky, team-first Washington Nationals, agree to pick up $190 million of former Yankees' salaries.