Episode 4: Let's get serious
Darn, I wish I hadn't seen Andy on Jimmy Kimmel's show last week. He came off like someone who had two glasses of champagne at an office party, forgot to eat anything, then ran into his boss and tried to be outgoing and crack jokes, only he came off like a rambling, brain-damaged goofball. Jimmy kept trying to save him and finally just started teasing him at the end. I guess Andy never had a chance to test his comedy chops growing up in Amish country, running triathlons and spending the majority of life in school and the Navy.
We know Andy is sweet, he's successful and he'll make a great dad. It just bugs me that every girl on the show fell for someone who's so serious. Has Andy ever cracked a joke or said ANYTHING that made one of these girls giggle??? I can't recall laughing once this season when the BBBD (Big Boobs/Bad Dresser) wasn't involved. I know that's how the show works, but many women I know (including me) could never fall for someone who doesn't make them laugh. That's a deal breaker. It's really the husband's job to be funny. Like, if Andy picks Bevin and their future baby walks into the kitchen and pulls off a diaper filled with poop, then flings the poopy diaper across the room causing it to splatter everywhere while Bevin screams, it's Andy's job to say something funny and lighten the mood. (You can probably guess that this happened to Bill and me last week. Bill's joke was, "It could've been worse, we could have had corn last night.") With them, they'd grimly clean up the poop and wait four more days to talk about what happened, then take the baby to a counselor for a series of tests.
Either these girls don't care about laughing, they're desperate to get hitched or they're angling for a Playboy spread. Last night, five of the remaining nine (Bevin, Tessa, BBBD, Dead Boyfriend Girl and Tina) confessed they "felt a connection" with Andy, and a sixth girl (Nicole) broke down when Andy dumped her and cried so violently that she fell off camera. That girl never kissed Andy or had extended one-on-one time with him! What qualifies for a connection these days? Sharing a drink over 10 minutes of awkward conversation as 12 other girls lurk in the background? This show continues to make women proud.
As a special wrinkle this week, Andy flew everyone to Lake Tahoe for a gambling/skiing weekend. BBBD asked, "Lake Tahoe where is that, Oregon?" On second thought, she might be too dumb for porn -- after that comment, I see her nabbing the head waitress job at Hooters. When they arrived in Tahoe, the women shrieked with excitement when they saw their suite at Harrah's. It's a bed covered with cigarette burns! Woo hoo! Whoops, I sound like a snob. Before the first group date, Bevin had a complete breakdown when her bum ankle kept her from getting ready. The other girls helped her and everything seemed fine, then she melted down during the actual date and Andy came to her rescue. She even landed private end-of-the-night time by tapping into Andy's need to play doctor. Come on, her ankle couldn't have been that bad since she was wearing strappy heels that night. You can't wear strappy heels if you have a broken or sprained ankle! Faker!
On the private date we learned that when Andy has champagne he reveals tidbits about his childhood like, "I was like a nerd, I hope you're OK with nerds." We also learned that he once participated in a science fair and that he wanted to be an astronaut as a kid. Bill pointed out that Andy was actually talking about his life eight weeks ago, when Andy was 13, before he pulled the lever on the Zoltar machine and became a 30-year-old Navy doctor and reality TV star. This didn't stop Bevin from deciding, "I definitely feel like I could be falling for him." They're the dullest couple I've ever thought of in my life. They should name their first daughter Beige.
Back at the Harrah's suite, Amber fretted about her one-on-one date with Andy and said, "He could realize on this date that I'm not the one for him and he could send me home." She'd much rather live a lie and have him find out that they don't have a connection until after he proposes to her. I can't believe this show. On the second group date, Andy took everyone skiing and wore a short turtleneck sweater that looked like something Bobby Brady would have worn. They need to open an Abercrombie in Amish country. This date was boring except BBBD and Kate both warned Andy that some of the other girls "aren't in this for the right reasons" and some of them "aren't like they really seem." We see this tactic every year on "The Bachelor" and it never works. Andy picked the drippy medical student (Tina) for private quality time and I picked this time to wash my face and brush my teeth.
I returned in time for Andy's one-on-one date with Amber. When Andy grilled her about why she wanted to be on the show, she explained to the camera, "Andy wants to make sure I'm here for the right reasons." Let's see, the wrong reason is "just wanting to be on a TV show" and the right reason is "wanting to find your husband on a reality TV show." Either way, you're a little suspect, right? Amber ended up getting a rose and making out with Andy in the hot tub, although word spread at the pre-rose cocktail party that more happened. You know, like sex. Bill and I found this hard to believe because we don't think Amber's had her first period yet, but there was additional drama as Amber completely overreacted to the rumor. Also, BBBD finally broke out her strip joint dress (a brown halter top with a V-shaped neckline cut down to her belly button and parts of each boob showing -- we saw it in the first episode) and bragged, "My dress is smokin' hot tonight!" Bill then made a comment I thought was funny but can't print here.
Three girls ended up getting voted out:
1. Kate -- My favorite because she was sarcastic and didn't take Andy seriously. I could have been friends with Kate.
2. Nicole -- The little one with the scruffy voice who freaked out after she didn't get picked. I could not have been friends with Nicole.
3. BBBD -- After Andy sent her trampy butt packing, she told the cameras, "I thought Andy and I had something special. I was so ready for it, I wanted it, I believe in it, and it's all gone." Barf, barf, barf. Then she said, "When you really care about someone, you want them to be happy so let him be happy. With or without me." Don't worry, girlfriend, you'll see him again when he's ordering wings from you at the Hooters on Hollywood Boulevard.
Here's the final six: Amber, Tessa, Dead Boyfriend Girl, Tina the Drip, Bevin the Ankle Faker and Stephanie the Gymnast Bull Rider. I'd say Amber, Tessa and Bevin are the favorites. None of them has a sense of humor. Whichever one Andy picks, they'll be perfect together.