Episode 6: Give him a mulligan
ABC needs to give the Bachelor one mulligan during the course of the season. It's only fair. Poor Andy spent the sixth episode visiting the Final Four's hometowns and not one of the girls seemed like a promising match. It's amazing that Andy could narrow the field from 25 to four without finding a prospective wife, but this whole season has been amazing. Andy confirmed this by saying that word "amazing" 10 different times during this week's show. That was pretty amazing.
Here's what happened:
• Before introducing Andy to her parents in Seattle, Bevin the Ankle Faker finally admitted to Andy that she's divorced. Andy looked just as confused and overwhelmed as he did on Jimmy Kimmel's show, only if he had also pooped in his pants. Thank god that doctors follow a specific set of rules for every medical emergency; if Andy always looked this confused in a pinch, there would be a lot of dead Navy divers.
• Andy visited Danielle (Dead Boyfriend Girl) in central Connecticut and learned she still lives at home. She's 25! How could she go on a reality show with hometown dates when she's still living at home? What did she plan on doing with Andy, wait until everyone went to sleep so she could make out with him in the living room???? Maybe in a few years, she'll work up the courage to move into a one-bedroom apartment in Simsbury.
Bill thought Danielle's younger sister was more attractive, which he considered a problem because "nobody wants to marry the second-prettiest sister in a family." I don't agree with this and we argued about it for most of this date. Trust me, we didn't miss much. Andy and Danielle have as much sexual chemistry as John Travolta and Kelly Preston. My favorite part of this date was when Andy described dinner by saying, "We really didn't get into the death of her boyfriend from college, we talked around it."
• Andy couldn't meet Amber's parents because they don't approve of her appearing on the show. That prompted Bill to say, "This isn't just a red flag, it's an Amber alert!" I admit it, I giggled. Instead of Amber's parents, Andy got to meet her overbearing aunt, annoying tiny dog and juvenile roommate. Bill described the roommate as "Courtney Love's long-lost stripper daughter" and tried to bet me that he could find naked photos of her online within 30 seconds. At this point I had to tell Bill to shut up. Once the roommate called Amber "Ambie," we knew Ambie was a goner because Andy wants a mature family woman, not someone named "Ambie" who isn't speaking to her parents and has a loud roommate. He's simple that way.
• Andy visited Tessa in Washington and found out from her daddy that Tessa's attitude right before going on "The Bachelor" was, "This is gonna be fun." Bingo, another red flag for Andy! He wants to make sure everyone is on this show for "the right reasons." I'm still trying to define the phrase "the right reasons" and having no luck at all. Anyway, Tessa doesn't seem to like Andy so much and why would she? She's a fun-loving high-society girl with a sense of humor and he's a dorky Naval doctor who, when under pressure, sounds like he's battling a severe concussion. Even if Andy picks her in the end, I see her dumping him after their 30th straight awkward long-distance phone call while they're sequestered.
By the end of the episode, I felt bad for Andy and decided ABC should give him a mulligan and allow him to bring Tina the drippy med student back. She was perfect for him: confident, mature, dorky and as serious as a heart attack. He could come home from work and have important dinner conversations with her about subjects like hypothermia, then they could spend the rest of the night opening up to one another. Instead, he's going to end up picking Tessa because she'd be the coolest girl he ever dated. I say they're doomed.
The girl who unquestionably likes him the most is Bevin, who will have to be hospitalized if/when Andy dumps her. I hope Andy overlooks her divorce baggage and how her father immediately started crying when he first saw her, like he couldn't believe she stayed un-crazy long enough to bring another guy home. Bevin is carrying so much baggage that she checks it curbside on flights. When her dad asked her if she loved Andy, she blubbered, "He's a great guy, when would I ever meet someone like that? I don't ever meet anybody who's like that!" The dad didn't even disagree!!!! Why wouldn't dad say something like "Honey, you're so special, you'll find someone, you deserve the best"? He must be glad that she isn't living in a special hospital that costs $5,000 a month. She was such a mess by the end of her hometown date that Bill decided he couldn't vote for Hillary as president because "anyone who has anything in common with Bevin can't run our country, even if it's just similar genitalia."
Somehow Bevin made it to the Final Three with Tessa and Danielle. At first, Ambie seemed like she might punch Andy in the groin. Then he walked her outside and it turned into a Spanish soap opera. A bawling Ambie screamed that she had "the most amazing day of my life yesterday of my life!!!!!" I really hope that's not true. Andy kept blaming their age difference and she shot him a look and said, "That's not what you said when we were in the hot tub." Uh-oh!!!!!! Maybe the rumor about a hot tub rendezvous was true! The look she gave him convinced me that something happened. Bill agreed and we decided that the hot tub needed to be sterilized after their date.
After Andy dumped her in the limo, Ambie totally broke down and whined, "I can't even tell you why I got cut!" (Honey, I thought you liked this guy? You sounded like a girl who got dropped from the varsity cheerleading squad.) Then she said, "I've just been hurt by guy after guy, and they tell me everything I want to hear and they always hurt me and break my heart, so I just should be f------ used to it." I'm having a hard time feeling sorry for you Ambie -- you're 23 for chrissake! Live a little would ya? I just picture Andy watching this episode and breathing a 50-second sigh of relief.
Now we're down to three and whatever amazing direction Andy goes in, I'm going to feel sorry for him. Although I guess that's what you get for trying to find your wife on a reality TV show.