Having had no luck finding a publisher so far, I thought that I might excerpt certain sections of my 600-page manuscript, "The Seven Secrets of Successful Pro Bowl Party Hosts," in the hopes of helping readers have more fun this weekend while also, simultaneously, generating interest in the book.

From the Introduction
If you've purchased this book then I am assuming you and I are of the same mind when it comes to the NFL's annual confluence of all-stars. People like us subscribe to the logic illustrated by this simple tautology:

• If football is the greatest sport in the world and
• If the Pro Bowl is comprised of football's greatest players,
• Then the Pro Bowl is the greatest sporting event known to the species.

In spite of the obviousness of this reasoning, you might be surprised to learn that not everyone shares our viewpoint. This becomes especially problematic when it comes to playing host to a proper Pro Bowl party event, which is why I decided to write this helpful guide based on years of research and thousands of hours of interviews ...

From Chapter One: A Brief History of Parties in General, Football All-Star Games and the Inevitable Conjoining of the Two Concepts
… Evidence of the first known party was discovered in cave paintings in France where primitive people are seen mingling around the felled corpse of a mammoth. Ironically, it is the act of catering the party with meat that created the excuse for the party in the first place. The modern equivalent of that is ordering 10 pizzas and then having people over to celebrate the fact that they were delivered; this as opposed to having people over and then ordering the pizzas because you've got guests. …

… For many years, there was no NFL All-Star game per se. Instead, at the end of each season, the league's best players would be invited to a host city where they might attend burlesque shows, testimonial dinners and church services, wearing their uniforms all the while. The practice was discontinued in 1938 when the league hit upon the idea of having its All-Stars play the worst team in the league. This was modified slightly the following year when the All-Stars played the best team in the league. …

From Chapter Two: Creating the Buzz
What people don't seem to understand about the Pro Bowl is that it is the best players from every team – not just two teams made up of players both good and otherwise like a certain game played the week before which I shall not mention by name. These are the very best football players in the world all brought to the same place simultaneously. In spite of that, if you're to have a successful Pro Bowl bash you're going to have to hype the game to your prospective guests. Unlike the party you went to the week before where the participants are almost irrelevant, you're going to want to mention who's in the Pro Bowl in your invitations. Think of yourself as a pimp. Pimps are hot right now. There was a time when they were not thought of highly, but these days, probably for the only time in human history other than 1974, they are considered to be the epitome of cool. So, pimp out the players to your desired guests. Speak of their attributes and what to expect to see from them. Wear a colorful hat, if need be – perhaps with a feather in it. …

From Chapter Three: Spreading the Word
… there's nothing like a handbill or poster to get the word out about your awesome Pro Bowl soiree. You can spend as much as $1,000.00 to have these materials professionally created and printed (as I did last year: see Figure 1) or as little as five cents a copy if you are feeling especially creative and decide to do it yourself. E-vites are a good idea as well. While word-of-mouth might seem like a "cool" way to spread the news, it's highly unpredictable, so it's best to stick to direct, written appeals. …

From Chapter Four: The Spread
Because the Pro Bowl has to follow a tough act from the week before, you've got to knock everything up to the next level for your party. For instance, if you had hamburgers the week before, you would have cheesesteaks for the Pro Bowl Bash. If you had potato chips the week before, you should have french fries, and so on. The following chart should help translate the necessary jumps in food quality:

Super Bowl	Pro Bowl
bologna slices	hot dogs
hot dogs	brats
brats	whole roasted pig
bagged pretzels	pretzel cart flown in from Philly
popcorn	corn on the cob
candy in a bowl	personalized Whitman Samplers
football-shaped cake	football-shaped steaks
store-brand mustard	name-brand mustard
paper towels	napkins lifted from local fast-food place
straightened paper clips	toothpicks
snow from driveway	bagged ice

From Chapter Five: Pro Bowl Potables
As it is with the food you're serving, so it should be with the drinks. Increases in both quantity and quality over a typical Super Bowl party are essential to make the Pro Bowl experience that much better. While the promise of such liquid delights should be temptation enough – above and beyond the attraction of the contest itself – it might not hurt to offer your prospective guests some heavy libation days prior to the event so that they will be in the proper mood to agree to attend in the first place.

From Chapter Six: Ancillary Attractions
"… it was then that I hit upon the idea of the halftime spin-the-bottle game with the Hooters girls. This as a definite hit, perhaps even more popular than the previous year's pin-the-tail-on-the-pole-dancer thing we did but not nearly so popular as seven-minutes-in-heaven with Asia Carrera." – Ted G., successful Pro Bowl Party host, Birmingham, Ala.

From Chapter Seven: Bringing it All Together
Nothing adds to a party like a little friendly wagering. A grid pool is always fun. What would make it especially attractive to your would-be guests is if you funded the entire grid. Put up the $5 for each box so that those who lose won't really be losing, just not winning. If the promise of a free contest with $500 in prizes doesn't bring them running, then there's always "Plan C," as PB Party host Miguel R. of Lubbock, Texas, dubs it. "That's 'Plan C' as in 'cash,'" he explains. "Every invited guest gets $20 just for showing up and another $10 for every person they bring and that person also gets $10. When I offer that kind of money and I invite 50 or 60 people, I can usually count on a nice turnout of about a dozen. …"

Jim Baker is an author at Baseball Prospectus and a frequent contributor to Page 2. You can e-mail Jim at bottlebat@gmail.com.