If we were a beer right now, we'd be Page 2's Marchtoberfest. We break down the beer bracket by asking one simple question for each matchup: If these schools were beers, which one would we drink?
If this method doesn't work, we'll be brewin' a batch of Busted Bracket Extra Bitter. Get it?
Take the school, state or the mascot and make it the most obscure microbrew you can imagine. Vanderbilt becomes Commodore Cask Conditioned Baller Bock. Wisconsin could be Badgers' Big Ten Best Blonde Ale. This bracket favors a representative like UMBC (can't you just see that retriever's head on a label?) and George Mason, who may have taught Sam Adams everything he knows.
Drink up the madness.
PAGE 2'S FOOLPROOF METHODS FOR PICKING YOUR BRACKET
On Friday, we promised to help you win your NCAA pool. Here are our nine foolproof methods.
The 10th -- straight chalk -- will be figured into the Page 2 group bracket as a control variable.
Stay tuned to Page 2 throughout the NCAA tournament to see how our brackets stack up.
Our uniform expert breaks down attire aesthetics.
Which school has the most intimidating mascot?
Which school has the most star power?
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Which program graduates the fewest players?
Grad rate bracket
Which coach is best-dressed for success?
Dapper coach bracket
If each school was a beer, which one would you drink?
Who has the right mix of street cred and religious clout?
Cred and creed bracket
School slogans can say a lot. Who has the best one?
Which school produces the most successful non-basketball athletes?
Non-hoops jocks bracket
Easiest region (to pick): EAST, home of Carolina Blue Ribbon Psycho T Celebration Ale.
Toughest region (to pick): WEST, home of Longhorn Lager, UCLA's Hollywood Hundred Golden Brewin', UConn Husky Hef, Dawg Dew IPA, Mountaineer Southern Stout and Krzyzewski March Madness by the Mouthful (seasonal).
Easiest pick (single game): Pitt Pilsner on the Prowl over Oral Roberts Near Beer.
Toughest pick (single game): Hoppy Head Hoosier falls to Razorback Red Pig Reserve.
Biggest upset (in entire bracket): George Mason Stout Olde Statesman over Fighting Irish Rogue Redemption.
First-round flop: Kentucky Ran Outta Bourbon Beer.
Sleeper school: Siena Saint Golden Holy Water.
Final Four shocker: Mississippi State River Runoff Red.
Buy stock in: Golden Eagle Wisconsin Sweet Wheat.
Sell stock in: BYU Barely-wine.
Obvious pick we still like anyway: Vols Victory Agent Orange Ale.
1 North Carolina def. 16 Coppin State
9 Arkansas def. 8 Indiana
12 George Mason def. 5 Notre Dame
4 Washington State def. 13 Winthrop
6 Oklahoma def. 11 Saint Joseph's
3 Louisville def. 14 Boise State
10 South Alabama def. 7 Butler
15 Tennessee def. 15 American
1 North Carolina def. 9 Arkansas
12 George Mason def. 3 Washington St.
6 Oklahoma def. 3 Louisville
2 Tennessee def. 10 South Alabama
Round of 16
1 North Carolina def. 12 George Mason
2 Tennessee def. 5 Oklahoma
1 North Carolina def. 2 Tennessee
1 Kansas def. 16 Portland State
8 UNLV def. 9 Kent State
12 Villanova def. 5 Clemson
4 Vanderbilt def. 13 Siena
6 USC def. 11 Kansas State
3 Wisconsin def. 14 Cal State Fullerton
7 Gonzaga def. 10 Davidson
15 UMBC def. 2 Georgetown
1 Kansas def. 8 UNLV
4 Vanderbilt def. 12 Villanova
3 Wisconsin def. 6 USC
7 Gonzaga def. 15 UMBC
Round of 16
4 Vanderbilt def. 1 Kansas
3 Wisconsin def. 7 Gonzaga
3 Wisconsin def. 4 Vanderbilt
1 Memphis def. 16 Texas-Arlington
8 Mississippi State def. 9 Oregon
5 Michigan State def. 12 Temple
4 Pittsburgh def. 13 Oral Roberts
6 Marquette def. 11 Kentucky
3 Stanford def. 14 Cornell
7 Miami (Fla.) def. 10 Saint Mary's
2 Texas def. 15 Austin Peay
8 Mississippi State def. 1 Memphis
5 Michigan State def. 4 Pittsburgh
6 Marquette def. 3 Stanford
2 Texas def. 7 Miami (Fla.)
8 Mississippi State def. 5 Michigan State
2 Texas def. 6 Marquette
8 Mississippi State def. 2 Texas
1 UCLA def. 16 Mississippi Valley State
9 Texas A&M def. 8 BYU
12 Western Kentucky def. 5 Drake
4 Connecticut def. 13 San Diego
6 Purdue def. 11 Baylor
3 Xavier def. 14 Georgia
10 Arizona def. 7 West Virginia
2 Duke def. 15 Belmont
1 UCLA def. 9 Texas A&M
12 Western Kentucky def. 4 Connecticut
6 Purdue def. 3 Xavier
2 Duke def. 10 Arizona
Round of 16
1 UCLA def. 12 Western Kentucky
2 Duke def. 6 Purdue
1 North Carolina def. 3 Wisconsin
1 UCLA def. 8 Mississippi State
CHAMPIONSHIP: 1 North Carolina def. 1 UCLA
Mary Buckheit is a Page 2 columnist. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.