By Jim Caple
Page 2 columnist

Sweating over a Valentine's Day present for that special someone? Count yourself lucky. Face it. Most of us are fortunate if a woman will even speak to us without our parole officers present, let alone develop a relationship requiring a Valentine's Day present. Which is all the more reason to make sure you don't give an inappropriate gift that will drive her away faster than Jeff Gordon at the Daytona 500.

For instance: Your childhood leather baseball glove is not an appropriate Valentine's Day gift. One, you don't want to scare her off. And two, that's the traditional gift for your second anniversary.

So before you pull out your unsecured credit card to order His and Hers matching Green Bay Packers Cheeseheads, study Page 2's list of romantic/unromantic gifts. Not only can it save you a lot of grief and embarrassment this weekend, there's also no surer way to get to second base with a woman.

Short of having David Eckstein lay down a bunt, that is.

VALENTINE'S DAY GIFT GUIDE
Romantic Unromantic
A single red rose A 6-by-10 souvenir swath of Veterans Stadium artificial turf, complete with a Lenny Dykstra tobacco stain
"Roman Holiday'' on DVD "NHL's Greatest Hockey Fights'' on video

A black lace bra and panty set
from La Perla

A Tom Brady replica jersey from the Locker Room
A $100 gift card to Nordstrom's The White Sox beach towel you got for applying for a team logo credit card
Listening to the Andrea Bocelli "Romanza'' CD Listening to "Jock Jams: Volume 4''
Rose petals leading from the doorway to the bedroom Sweaty workout clothes leading to the TV

Chocolate body paint

Oakland Raiders face paint
Sipping champagne while watching "When Harry Met Sally'' Splitting a half-rack of beer while watching the Bellagio Five Diamond World Poker Classic
Jean Couturier perfume John Madden Football
Strawberries dipped in chocolate Doritos left over from the Super Bowl dipped in guacamole left over from the Sugar Bowl
Scented candles Your "lucky'' jockstrap
A candlelit bubblebath for two A Gatorade shower to celebrate your Fantasy Football title
A simple handmade Valentine's card A handmade "Can't Beat Syracuse'' sign for the TV cameras at the Carrier Dome
A copy of "The Unbearable Lightness of Being'' A copy of "Moneyball''

An engagement ring

A "We're No. 1!" foam puffy hand

Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com




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