News item: Doug and Jackie Christie are negotiating a deal to appear in a new reality TV show on VH-1 about their "unique" marriage. Jackie Christie told the Sacramento Bee that she wants the show to correct misperceptions about the couple's relationship and provide a positive view of a marriage based on commitment.
"THE CHRISTIES" EPISODE 1: "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
[JACKIE sits in front of the family computer, staring at the screen and frowning.]
Doug, sweetie? Could you come in here? I'm having a problem with the computer.
[DOUG enters the room and sits next to his wife.]
What is it, light of my life?
Could you explain this message in our e-mail? "Desperate Housewives want to get wild with you"?
That's just SPAM mail, snookums. Don't you worry for a second. Some guy just sends that out blindly to thousands of addresses hoping a couple of them will respond to it and send him money for nothing. I didn't ask them to send it.
What, do you think I was born yesterday? You really expect me to believe that everyone receives these messages? That e-mail boxes nationwide are overflowing with unsolicited e-mails from people claiming to provide unfaithful housewives desperate for some wild sex? That everyone is powerless to stop these messages from clogging their e-mail? Please.
Baby, I swear. It doesn't have anything to do with me.
Doug, it's addressed to you. It says quite clearly, "These wives are in your neighborhood right now." If this is just SPAM mail and you didn't ask for this, then how come they know where we live?
They don't, honey. They just write that. It's just a come-on. It doesn't mean anything.
It doesn't mean anything? "Jasmine, Tan-skin, curvy and busty, loves to get wild." That doesn't mean anything? "Pamela, Dark-skin, booty and bust'n, loves hotel hookups." That doesn't mean anything? Doug, I think the only thing that doesn't mean anything to you is the pledge you made to me on our wedding day.
I swear, lambchop -- it's just SPAM.
This hurts me, Doug. Can you tell me why you need to go running to these cheap harlots? Is there something I don't do to satisfy you?
But sweetie, I promise ...
I'm sorry, Doug. I can't trust you ever again. From now on, you aren't going anywhere without me. Not even to the bathroom. I'm on to you.
And you can just forget about those L.A. road trips, too.
[Fade out ...]
"THE CHRISTIES" EPISODE 2: "NOTHING BUT (FISH)NET!"
[DOUG enters the CHRISTIE household fresh from a morning shoot-around.]
Honey, I'm home!
Get your butt in here, right now!
What's wrong, dear? Are you hurt?
No, but you will be when I'm through with you.
Why sweetie? What's the matter?
Kindly explain why this piece of pornography arrived in the mail today.
Pornography? That's not porn. That's the new issue of Sports Illustrated.
Do you think I was born yesterday? This is nothing but pure smut! Half-naked women rolling around in the sand, breasts heaving, thongs revealing everything, bikini tops unfastened and nothing left to the imagination! And this slut on the cover! Why would you have this hardcore porn sent into our home?
It's just the annual swimsuit issue, dear. That's Heidi Klum on the cover. You met her at one of the playoff parties.
This hurts me, Doug. Can you tell me why you need to stare at these photos? Are these the women you imagine when we're in bed together? I know my body isn't the same as it was when we first met, but you carry three children in your womb for nine months apiece and we'll see what kind of shape your abs are in.
Baby, I swear. It's just Sports Illustrated's annual swimsuit issue -- it comes to all the subscribers. It doesn't mean anything. Don't worry. Next week, Derek Jeter will be on the cover.
I'm sorry, Doug. I can't trust you anymore. Now, take this "magazine" and place it in the incinerator before the children see it.
And throw away this smut rag, too. It's filled with nothing but topless women.
Ummm, that's National Geographic.
[Fade out ...]
"THE CHRISTIES," EPISODE 3: "TRADING PLACES"
[JACKIE speaks angrily on the phone to DOUG, who is seen on the other line in a split-screen.]
And just where the hell were you at the game tonight? You weren't on the court, you weren't on the bench and you sure as hell weren't anywhere where you could see my hand signals. Don't lie to me -- you were at a hotel with some cheap skank, weren't you?
Honey, didn't you get my message? I was traded to Orlando.
Oh, is that what they call it these days? "Getting traded to Orlando"? Well, you can call it anything you want but it's still adultery.
No, baby. I mean I really got traded. I'm in Orlando with the Magic. Didn't you see it on the news?
On the news? You weren't even going to tell me? I was supposed to find out from ESPN? "And here's a little news for Jackie Christie -- your husband is cheating on you! Boo-yah!"
No, no, sweetie. It's just that the trade happened so sudden and your cell phone was busy so I left you a message saying what happened and that I was getting on a plane and that I would call you as soon as I got to Orlando.
This hurts me, Doug. Wasn't I a good wife to you? Wasn't I always there for you? Didn't I always support you? I'm sorry, Doug. I put up with a lot from you -- the e-mail solicitations, the porn magazines and the interviews from women reporters -- but I don't think I can ever trust you again.
Honey, if you'll just call the team they can clear this whole thing up ...
It just makes me sick the way you and the rest of your teammate friends must be laughing behind my back. You think it's fun being a national punchline just because I happen to believe in the sanctity of marriage? That I'm held up to ridicule because I'm devoted to my husband and family in a league where one of your coaches had brought AIDS into the home because of his philandering, one team icon bragged about sleeping with 10,000 women and another who was accused of rape claimed that he was only guilty of infidelity? That I'm perceived as the goofy one for devoting myself to raising a family in a league where the only attention players pay to their family is the child-support payments that are garnisheed from their wages under court order? That I'm viewed as an untrusting, manipulative bitch because I'm uncomfortable with the way I see other players sleep around and cheat on their wives as a matter of routine?
Do you have any idea how painful this is for me?
Jackie, I'm so incredibly sorry. I had no idea you felt this way. But you really have to believe me -- I really was traded.
Forget it. And don't bother coming home when you're done with your cheap whore. I've already changed the locks. Not that I'll be here anyway.
What do you mean?
I'm moving in with Karl Malone. We hooked up during a timeout when you played the Lakers last year.
Tell me you're joking.
No, I'm not. And after I'm tired of him, I'm going to sleep with everyone on the Mets. Including the bat boys.
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com