Single page view By Jim Caple
Page 2

Does the "Star Wars" saga end with tonight's opening of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith? George Lucas insists it does, but Page 2 thinks otherwise. Lucas, after all, once hinted at a nine-part series and our spies recently slipped behind the locked gates of Skywalker Ranch and uncovered what appears to be the screenplay to a seventh movie …

[After eight commercials, a lame "indy short" for Coke, an irritating Fandango promo with those stupid paper-bag people and eight trailers for upcoming movies (three of which star Will Farrell), the movie will finally begin, 35 minutes after its listed starting time in the newspaper, with these magical words … ]


[As the opening crawl disappears into the distance, we see star cruisers, TIE fighters and Interceptors zoom across the screen exchanging spectacular laser fire. Are we in the midst of a battle, is this a new rebellion? No. The camera pulls back to reveal that we are seeing the new Star Wars video game being played by someone on Luke Skywalker's pit crew.

[Luke is on the other side of the shop working on the engine of his T-16 speeder, which is adorned with stickers advertising "Millenium Hyper-Drives," "Droids R Us," "Bantha-fil-a," "Starbucks," etc. He and R2-D2 are fine-tuning the speeder for Gascar's biggest race of the year, the Wal-Mart Tatooine 500,000.

[We hear a radio playing in the shop]

RADIO HOST: "And when we come back, we'll discuss last night's game in Anchorhead, where the Wookies went into the stands and started pulling Sand People's arms off. Is this the worst incident of violence we've seen yet between athletes and fans? Or were the Wookies justified because they were losing?

COMMERCIAL: "If you have the death sentence in 12 systems and you're a die-hard Tusken Raiders fan, then the most wretched hive of scum and villainy is your home away from prison. The Mos Eisley Space Cantina has 1,332 plasma holograms and 89 dedicated satellite dishes, so we can pull in broadcasts from one end of the galaxy to the other. And let's just say we aren't too concerned about Imperial entanglements over the federation's blackout rules. Remember, between Tatooine's first sunset and second sunset, nachos are always half off."

[Luke looks up from the engine as R2-D2 sputters.]

R2-D2: Pffffttt! Thrrreeeep!!!!

LUKE: You said it, R2. It's not like the old days of the rebellion. It was more exciting back then. But don't forget, under the Empire, nachos were always full price.

[Luke suddenly senses something, a presence he has not felt since he last was in contact with his mentor, Obi-Wan Kenobi. He cocks his ear and listens to an almost mystic voice.]

VOICE: "If you build it, he will come … "


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