One of the finest series in television history concludes this weekend, when the final episode of "The Sopranos" airs Sunday night. What's in store for everyone's favorite mob boss? Find out early with this script that was leaked to Page 2's spies
AP Photo/Stuart Ramson
Will Tony survive the final hour of "The Sopranos?" We'll see.
GUARD: Damn, Tank. How many times I gotta tell you? You can't bring no air rifle in here. You'll shoot your eye out.
[TANK goes inside. PAULIE steps forward and lifts his arms to be frisked.]
GUARD: That's OK, Paulie. You're good.
[PAULIE nods appreciatively at the respect shown. He walks into the club, and just as he's about to leave earshot, the GUARD calls out to him.]
GUARD: Oh hey, Paulie. Brad Pitt called. He wants to know where you get your tips frosted.
[PAULIE mutters "@#$%" and something about a "lack of respect" and takes a step toward the guard, then changes his mind and continues into the bar. As the camera follows him past the bar, we see strippers pole-dancing and giving lap dances. PACMAN JONES showers three strippers with a bag of cash totaling $81,000 in $100 bills. When the strippers stop dancing to reach for the money, PACMAN grabs one by the hair.]
PACMAN: Who said you can have the money? That was just for, you know, effect.
[The camera continues following PAULIE back to the fighting pits, where we find TONY and PETE ROSE betting on a fight underneath a banner that reads: "PAGE 2 PRESENTS CELEBRITY DOGFIGHTING AND LADIES NIGHT"]
ROSE: C'mon, Santa's Little Helper! Get up! You can do it! If there's one thing the Hit King knows, it's a champion dogfighter! And you're a winner! A thoroughbred all the way! Tear him to shreds!
TONY: He's dead, Pete.
ROSE: Why do you say that?
TONY: Well, mostly because he ain't breathin'.
ROSE: [Yelling at the dog.] A winner never quits, Santa's Little Helper! And a quitter never wins!
TONY: Dammit! I knew we should have bet on Cujo.
ROSE: Hey, Santa's Little Helper would have paid 30-1! How you gonna turn down odds like that?
TONY: That's what you said when we put 200 Gs on the Reds.
ROSE: Hey, you know I NEVER bet against the Reds.
[PAULIE, having observed this conversation in disgust, kneels next to TONY.]
PAULIE: What are you doing, T? We need to get back to Jersey and murder that $%&* Phil for whacking Bobby and Silvio. We gotta do something while we still have a crew to do it with!
TONY: Calm down. We need to bank some cash before we do anything.
ROSE: [Examining PAULIE'S hair.] Hey, nice white walls. Where did you get that done? I was thinking of dying my hair again. They stopped making my color.
PAULIE: [Irritated.] What's your color? Tang? [He turns back to TONY.] C'mon, T. We gotta do something.
TONY: [Losing patience.] I told you, we need a bankroll first. You know how much a family war costs? And I gotta make up for those 500 Gs we lost on the Balboa-Mason Dixon fight. [He glares at ROSE.] I can't believe you talked me into betting on a 60-year-old man.
ROSE: What can I say? It was a split decision. But don't worry, Tony. We'll make it all back and more when Roger comes back, Giambi gets healthy and the Yankees get straightened out.
[MICHAEL VICK enters the pit area and shakes TONY'S hand.]
VICK: Welcome to Celebrity Dogfight Night, gentlemen. Anything I can do for you? A couple drinks? Some girls? Falcons' tickets?
TONY: How about a dog with a little fight in it? Three in a row now I've lost. Who we got in the next one?
ROSE: Scooby Doo.
TONY: And who's he going against?
ROSE: McGruff the Crime Dog. We got 3-1 odds.
[As loud hip-hop music blares, the two dogs enter the ring. SCOOBY, backed by his trainer SHAGGY, growls menacingly from his edge of the dogpit. McGruff, unfazed, calmly reaches into his trench coat and pulls out a Smith & Wesson .357 magnum.]
[SCOOBY does that thing where his legs spin wildly but it's as if he's on a treadmill. He can't get away and McGRUFF shoots him in the head, killing him instantly.]
[They carry SCOOBY out of the pit and get ready for the night's feature bout -- a tag-team cage fight pitting HUCKLEBERRY HOUND and DEPUTY DAWG against THE 101 DALMATIONS. Suddenly, a piercing Klaxon sound fills the air. Employees and customers alike begin to flee. VICK orders his crew to hide all the evidence of dogfighting. TONY and PAULIE reach for their guns.]
TONY: Dammit, it's the Lupertazzi family!
VICK: No, it's worse than that.
PAULIE: The feds!
VICK: No, even worse than that -- it's the hanging judge, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell! He doesn't need a conviction -- he'll suspend you just for taking up two spots in the team parking lot.
[We see TONY, CARMELA, MEADOW and A.J. sitting together, eating and watching something hidden from our view.]
A.J.: God, this bites. How much longer do we have to stay here?
TONY: As long as I say, smart guy.
MEADOW: But there's nothing to do!
TONY: Don't you start in with me now.
CARMELA: I hate to say it, Tony, but they have a point. Isn't there somewhere else they can put us?
TONY: Carm, when you go into the witness protection program, you don't exactly get to choose your location. They choose, and that's where you go. Case closed. It's not my first choice either, y'know. I can't even get any decent gobbagool. Whaddaya gonna do? We're here because this is the one place in the country where nobody will ever find us.
[The camera pulls back until we see that they are sitting in the upper deck of the outfield bleachers at a Tampa Bay Devil Rays game.]
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com. He can be reached here. His Web site is at jimcaple.net, with more installments of "24 College Avenue." His new book with Steve Buckley, "The Best Boston Sports Arguments: The 100 Most Controversial, Debatable Questions for Die-Hard Boston Fans" is on sale now.