"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" goes on sale Saturday at midnight amid intense speculation over how the popular series will end. Wonder no more. Page 2 obtained an advance copy and learned that the final book is a first-person account told by Harry himself. Here's an excerpt ...
You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone" or "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" or "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" or "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" or "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" or "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" but if not, that ain't no matter because even if you were drifting down the Mississippi on a raft you couldn't hardly avoid seeing the movies that have grossed more than $1.5 billion worldwide (not counting DVD sales).
Those Harry Potter stories were made by Ms. J.K. Rowling and she told a pack of lies, mainly. For one thing, I don't have a lightning bolt shaped scar on my forehead from when an evil wizard attacked my family. That's a tattoo. And it's not a lightning bolt, it's a very classy drawing of a naked chick and a snake on a cross.
There also is no school called Hogwarts, at least, not that I ever went to. I went to Malfoy Academy and our team nickname was the Warthogs so I guess Rowling thought she was being real clever by changing it around. And it ain't no school for wizards, neither. It's a private school founded by the Malfoy family, who made a fortune in something much worse than black magic -- tobacco.
See, the thing people don't realize is that Rowling is just a bitter old woman with an agenda against a rival school. She isn't a single mother in Scotland. Hell, J.K. Rowling isn't even her real name. It's a pseudonym. Her real name is Myra Fleener and she's the principal at the high school in Hickory, Indiana, where I was sent to live with the Dursleys so I would stay out of trouble after a misunderstanding at my old school that left a classmate in intensive care. Anyway, she wrote the whole Harry Potter series because she's pissed I didn't go to her little punk school. She thinks I didn't have the grades to get into an elite private academy and they let me into Malfoy because of my basketball skills. Which is true, but so what? I've got mad skillz so they call me Magic and the Wizard and sometimes Penn or Teller, which is where she came up with all that crap about magic.
So, I'm sorry to break it to you but there wasn't any magic express train to my school from track 9¾ at Victoria Station. That's just Rowling's way of dredging up the old rumors that the Malfoys illegally recruited me with a Cadillac Escalade, which is another lie. I don't go for those gas-guzzling behemoths. Parking is tight in my old neighborhood so I insisted on a sweet black Porsche Boxster with a quadraphonic Blaupunkt with tiny gold crucifixes, Stars of David and Muslim crescents on the spinners.
And we sure as hell didn't play Quidditch or whatever she calls it in those books. We played good old American basketball and it just looked like we were flying because we played above the rim unlike her weak-ass school. I mean, really. Flying around on broomsticks? That's just dumb, though not nearly as dumb as a rule saying you have to pass the ball five times before shooting, which was what the coach at Myra's school demanded. That's the real reason I didn't want to play there. What college coach is going to give you a scholarship if all you do is pass the ball?
Plus, she says I rode around on a Nimbus 2000. That's her way of being clever again and implying that my awesome vertical leap was artificially enhanced. Nimbus 2000, as everyone knows, is the brand name for the flaxseed oil I rub on my body before games. But no matter what anyone says, it's all natural and not a steroid or HGH, aka, That Which Must Not Be Named.
That's her whole thing, though. She's always writing about magic spells and potions, which is her way of hinting that everyone at Malfoy juices. Nearly Headless Nick is a reference to our leading scorer, who, far from being nearly headless, has a noggin the size of a watermelon. But that isn't because of HGH -- he's always been like that, ever since he was a baby (his poor mother). And Hagrid isn't that big and strong -- he's just fat.
So, don't believe a word she says. It's all lies. Including her latest stretcher that she's finished with the series. As if anyone believes that for a second. No matter what she says, there will be more to come. She hates Malfoy Academy way too much to quit now. In the meantime I must beat on, a boat against the current of movies, video games, action figures and the fast-food marketing toys, borne back ceaselessly into the sequels.
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com. He can be reached here. His Web site is at jimcaple.net, with more installments of "24 College Avenue." His new book with Steve Buckley, "The Best Boston Sports Arguments: The 100 Most Controversial, Debatable Questions for Die-Hard Boston Fans" is on sale now.