Yankees security is here to serve you
Selfless Yankee Stadium security helpers recently saved broadcaster Paul O'Neill from possibly slipping on a patch of ice, getting his foot caught in the mesh screen, falling to the ground and fracturing his skull on a batting donut. These tireless employees also prevented Twins broadcaster John Gordon from recklessly jumping aboard the team bus and exposing himself to possibly deadly carbon monoxide emissions, radioactive leaks or lingering odors left by Boof Bonser. Neither O'Neill nor Gordon thanked the helpers for saving their lives, but that's all right, because those courageous actions were simply business as usual at Yankee Stadium. Safety and comfort have always been paramount for the Yankees; that's why we improved our already world-renowned security when we moved into The New House That Love Built.
The first step the Yankees took to safeguard The World's Greatest Fans was to discourage potential drunks, pickpockets, muggers and slave traffickers through our innovative and highly acclaimed new pricing system. By increasing ticket prices almost unnoticeably, we reduced the risks of having unemployed drug addicts/Mets fans attend games and harass our true fans, particularly those seated behind home plate.
But that was just a first step -- we've gone further, much further to make new Yankee Stadium the most secure facility on Earth. We also greatly expanded our staff of beloved security helpers and ushers by hiring our new team of "Bronx Angels." Keeping fans secure at all times is the primary mission for the ever-helpful Angels, who bring years of experience in the public service sector at locations such as San Quentin, Attica and Leavenworth.
For your protection, you can rest assured the Angels zealously subject fans to full strip and cavity searches both upon entering AND exiting the stadium (we can't be too careful in these dangerous days!). Such is the team's commitment to our fans, however, that we do not even charge for this convenience.
To prevent the introduction of any hazardous materials or infectious fruit and vegetable products, the Angels also will "politely" confiscate any outside food and beverages, plus non-officially licensed team shirts. Fans bringing in soft-sided containers smaller than 12 inches by 12 inches by 12 inches should enter through Gate G (conveniently located on the opposite side of the stadium from their seats), where the packs will be carefully checked, numbered and incinerated. Bronx Angels will also confiscate any medically required prescription drugs but don't worry -- replacements may be purchased at the team store with a prescription (sorry, no generic brands available at this or any other time).
And security checks at the gates are only the first line of defense! More comforting security measures for fans await inside.
Batted balls and shattered maple bats pose a hazard on every pitch. That's why the Yankees ushers will personally escort you to your assigned seat, then attach a bracelet with a GPS device to your ankle. This allows us to monitor your location at all times so that you don't venture into a potentially dangerous/higher-priced section. For your comfort, Bronx Angels are instructed to allow fans a single four-minute visit to the restroom per game.
Of course, protecting your health and safety at the ballpark means far more than just protecting you from the random foul ball or Red Sox fan, so the Yankees take a holistic approach to security. We station helpers at each concession stand are here to observe and protect you while ordering. If you look as if your weight or cholesterol count is dangerously high, we will offer a gentle suggestion to order a healthier item, with a subtle comment such as "Hey, lardo! Instead of another order of the triple nachos, try mixing in The $11.50 Baby Iceberg Salad at the NYY Steak restaurant, conveniently located at Gate 6."
Bronx Angels will also "request" that fans undergo a breathalyzer test before purchasing beer. Those registering a blood-alcohol content over 0.12 percent will be "encouraged" to instead purchase an $8 nonalcoholic O'Doul's, a $6 cup of coffee or a $5 bottle of water, or preferably, all three.
To protect everyone's view of the game, standing and blocking the vision of other fans is not allowed. Additionally, taller fans or those with big heads (you know who you are) must slump in their seats. To safeguard against possible hearing loss, loud cheering and clapping is also strictly prohibited. Ushers will politely ask loud fans to lower their volume but if the problem persists, Bronx Angels will "remind" them to be quiet with harmless stun guns, tasers and rubber bullets. Further, to protect everyone's privacy, all cameras will be collected and stored two years for safekeeping while the memory cards/film are turned over to the FBI for investigation.
Security is not just for the fans, though! Broadcasters with opposing teams can enter new Yankee Stadium secure in the knowledge that they will not be disturbed while they work in their heavily guarded cells underneath the center-field bleachers, where they are safe from bothersome fans. To better aid us in "helping" them do their jobs, broadcasters are required to wear credentials at all times, as well as easily identifiable orange jumpsuits. We also will provide two armed "escorts" for each broadcaster's personal use. Talk about service! We'll even handcuff the "escorts" to the broadcaster so they don't accidentally get separated.
Unfortunately, even with two security helpers per fan, hidden webcams, complex voice- and gait-recognition systems and CIA targeting satellite, we can't see everyone (yet). But if you see something out of the ordinary or think someone is acting dangerously, simply report them to a friendly Bronx Angel and we'll see to it that our associates in the waste removal industry take care of the problem quietly and without witnesses.
Finally, the games may end, but our attention to your safety does not. The Yankees are so committed to your security that we have assigned special undercover Bronx Angels to follow you out the stadium, see that you safely get on the subway or to your car, and then follow you the rest of the way back home, where they will station themselves outside your door to keep an eye on you over the next several months to make certain you're not getting into trouble.
Enjoy the game!
BOX SCORE LINE OF THE WEEK
Houston's Kaz Matsui made an out without getting out of the on-deck circle (he was called out when the batter ahead of him, Michael Bourn, hit out of order, which doesn't really seem fair). Rookie David Price made his season debut for the Rays and was given a 10-0 lead but threw 100 pitches in less than four innings (3 1/3 IP, 4 H, 2 R, 2 ER, 5 BB, 6 K), and not only did he not qualify for the victory, neither did anyone else for the Rays when they squandered the lead and lost 11-10.
But when you're talking about pitch counts, it's hard to top University of Washington softball ace Danielle Lawrie last week when she pitched two games and 22 innings in one afternoon. She lost the first game by giving up a rare five runs but came back in the second game to strike out a school-record 24 batters in 15 innings. Her combined line from the day:
22 IP, 14 H, 6 R, 6 ER, 9 BB, 32 K
In all, she threw 395 pitches.
Which brings up the obvious question: Why don't major leaguers throw underhanded?
TELL YOUR STATISTICS TO SHUT UP
Interleague play has been in the majors as long as Vladimir Guerrero and it isn't going away. But I like Adam Dunn's suggestion in Jayson Stark's recent column. Since the powers that be obviously don't care that interleague play results in division rivals' playing different schedules and wild-card rivals' playing vastly different schedules, they should get rid of the bad interleague matchups and simply schedule the most attractive series as possible. The teams with the natural rivalries -- the Mets and Yankees, Dodgers and Angels, Giants and Athletics, Cubs and White Sox -- probably want to continue their home-and-home series each season. Fine. But that shouldn't eliminate other teams from being able to play those teams when a secondary rivalry is possible. For instance, before the Mariners started in 1977, a lot of people in the Northwest grew up rooting for the Giants because they were the nearest team and you could get their broadcasts on radio. So there is a lot of interest in them in Seattle. Rather than saddle Mariners fans with interleague games against the "natural rival" Padres each year (and vice-versa), schedule the Giants to visit Seattle for one series. And schedule the Angels to visit San Diego. Those games wouldn't be in place of the Giants-Athletics or Dodgers-Angels series but in addition to them. There are several other examples of such series that would hold a lot of appeal in at least one of the cities. Again, the interleague schedules are already unequal and out of whack, so what's wrong with basing all the matchups on the basis of fan appeal? …
Also, when baseball points to its higher interleague attendance as proof of its appeal, remember that those games take place on cherry-picked dates such as Memorial Day weekend. Attendance would be higher for games that weekend than earlier in the season regardless of who plays whom. Also, who really benefits from interleague "rivalries"? The natural rivalries may help somewhat but even there, the Yankees, Mets, Cubs, Dodgers and Angels are going to draw well no matter the opponent. …
How good has Zack Greinke been this season? According to Elias, Greinke is the first pitcher to have an ERA under 1.00 after each of his first 10 starts since 1966, when Juan Marichal did it. According to the game logs at baseballreference.com, Marichal pitched a 14-inning 1-0 shutout in that 10th game to improve his record to 9-0 with a 0.59 ERA. He won his next game and had a 0.80 ERA before allowing three runs in his 12th start and putting his ERA above 1.00 for good. (His only no-decision in the first 11 starts was a game he left with the score tied 1-1 after 10.) Marichal finished the season 25-6 with a 2.23 ERA and 222 strikeouts in 307 1/3 innings, but finished second in the Cy Young balloting to Sandy Koufax, who went 27-9 with a 1.73 ERA and 317 strikeouts. …
How good has Joe Mauer been since coming off the disabled list? At last glance, he was hitting .429 with 11 home runs and 31 RBIs in May. Only 11 players since 1920 have hit better than .400 with at least 10 home runs and 30 RBIs in a month. The last two were Edgar Martinez and Richard Hidalgo in 2000. …
Giants third baseman Pablo Sandoval (aka, Kung Fu Panda) turned in perhaps the best play of the season Friday night when, with two out and the bases loaded, he leaped to snag Ichiro's high-hopping grounder, then alertly threw home in time to force out Kenji Johjima. Due to where he fielded the ball and Ichiro's speed, it was his only play, and it still took remarkable execution from a guy who has progressed tremendously at third base since moving there from catcher. "That was a great play. It's really been neat to see the progress he's made and the job he's done over there," Giants manager Bruce Bochy said. "He just knows where to go for the ball and is always in the right place whether he's catching or at third."
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.
