A final chat with the Metrodome
The Metrodome had never seemed happier than she did as the stadium crew worked hastily to convert the field from football to baseball. In fact, if I wasn't mistaken, the Dome was humming a song. The tune sounded a little like the "We're Going to Win Twins" jingle, but as usual, the stadium's acoustics were so bad that it also could have been "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
I interrupted the Dome's humming to wish her well. So you get more one more baseball game, I said. A playoff between the Twins and Tigers for the division title. Now that's going out in style.
"Ya, sure, it would be," the Metrodome agreed with her thick Minnesota accent, "Only I'm not going out just yet. Trust me, today's playoff is not my final Twins game."
Well, I hope not. But the Tigers have Rick Porcello going for them. He's a pretty good pitcher. And the Tigers aren't a bad team, even if they do play in the AL Central.
"Those Tigers don't stand a chance," the Dome said with a laugh. "The Twins have the greatest home-field advantage in baseball, don't ya know, and I'm gonna pull out all my tricks for this one.
"I'll rattle and deafen Porcello with crowd noise at decibel levels usually reached only by 747s, leaf blowers and Chris Berman. The grounds crew left my AstroTurf extra bouncy so Brandon Inge will misplay routine hops into doubles. I'm going to blind left fielder Clete Thomas with my lights and make Curtis Granderson lose so many fly balls against my Teflon ceiling that they'll both wear batting helmets to the outfield. I'll leave Magglio Ordonez weak in the knees and gasping for oxygen just from climbing the stairs from the dugout to the clubhouse. I'll turn the air blowers behind home plate up to 11 when the Twins are batting. Plus, I've got Web cams positioned all over to pick up catcher Gerald Laird's signs so Joe Mauer can relay them to the rest of the Twins.
"But ya wanna know the biggest reason the Tigers don't stand a chance? Jim Leyland will be a mess from nicotine withdrawal. As the late Bob Casey would say, 'There's noooooo smoking in the Metrodome!' Trust me, this here is a done deal. The Twins win this one in a rout."
Hmmm, that sounds a little mean-spirited. Whatever happened to Minnesota nice? Wouldn't you feel bad for all those Tigers fans? No city has been hit harder by the recession than Detroit. Don't Tigers fans deserve to see their team in the postseason?
"What, fans in Michigan are the only people in the country who were laid off? Like there aren't good Minnesotans hurting, too? Hey, when the Twins were in the World Series in 1987, did all you in the national media say Minnesota should win because of all the farmers losing their land to foreclosures? No, you just moaned about how the Twins didn't deserve to be there because of their 85-win season and what a travesty it was to have the World Series played inside a dome.
"I'm sorry, but Minnesota deserves this just as much as Michigan. More importantly, I deserve this. After all the crap -- pardon my French -- I've heard about what a dreary stadium I'm supposed to be, and how the new ballpark is going to be sooooo much better, I deserve to host one more postseason. That way, I can show people that brew pubs, circus carousels and spendy concession stands that don't even sell a decent hot dish are meaningless compared to an exciting game on the field."
It's true. If people are so concerned about how the recession is hurting people, perhaps they should embrace a working-class stadium like yourself.
"Listen," the Metrodome said, "I know I'm not beautiful, and I know my puffy roof makes me look fat. No one writes sonnets about me. Why would they? I'm just a blue-collar, all-purpose stadium that just quietly goes about its business. Punch the clock and do the job, no need for a state fair ribbon. Baseball, football, basketball, concerts, religious revivals -- you name it, if a lot of people want to gather together to watch it, I can hold the party. I'm like your parents' old rec room. Sure, the wood paneling looked like heck and the carpet was embarrassing, but I didn't cost a fortune, neither, and you had some good times in there, didn't you now? Darn tooting you did.
"Why, just look at the past three days here. A sold-out baseball game Sunday. A sold-out 'Monday Night Football' game. A sold-out baseball game this afternoon. Three sellouts and two sports in three days? Beat that, Wrigley Field. The only thing I'm missing is a tractor pull."
I have to agree. Plus, with the World Series scheduled to go into November, if the games were in the Metrodome, we wouldn't have to worry about any rain or cold weather.
"Oh, sure," the Metrodome said. "Why, back in '91 when we won the World Series the second time, we had 3 feet of snow in the cities on Halloween and it stayed below 20 degrees for the next week. And that wasn't even counting the wind chill factor neither. If that happened with the new park, suddenly I wouldn't seem so bad."
You convinced me. The Twins need to win today and the rest of the postseason. Instead of complaining about what the Metrodome isn't, people need to finally appreciate what the Metrodome is.
"Ya, and I can't wait for those Yankees to come to town. Boy, I have something special for them. I don't want to give too much away, but just imagine 40,000 hot dogs, all thrown at Alex Rodriguez."
I can't wait. Any final words before the big game?
"Ya, if worse comes to worse and the Twins are losing in the fifth inning, don't worry. I'll just blow a fuse to turn off the lights, plunge the field into darkness, deflate the ceiling and force them to cancel the game and make it up tomorrow."
Jim Caple is a senior writer for ESPN.com.
