Page 2 staff

These college kids today ...

Maybe you missed the story. We didn't. Three Penn State football players have been suspended indefinitely by Joe Paterno after they were cited in State College, Pa., for allegedly making prank phone calls, reportedly to a former member of the coaching staff.

Those of us here at Page 2 will never be the first to cast stones, because ... well, just because. Suffice to say, the story resonates.

The authorities haven't released any info about exactly what was said in the crank calls, or even who was called. But as far as we're concerned, they don't have to. We know the calls didn't stop with an assistant coach. They went everywhere throughout the college football community.

Now you know, too. Thanks to our usual crack investigative work, we've uncovered the transcripts:

"Hello, is Charlie Weis there? Yeah, listen, Jim Nabors called, he'd like his hair back."

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"Coach Bowden? This is the Albuquerque Isotopes. Do you still want to rent our name for the bowl season?''

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"Hey, Tyrone. Kevin White here. Just calling to say that I thought it over, and Rev. Malloy is right. We were out of line. We shouldn't have fired you. ... Psyche.''

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"Hi, Tennessee football? Hey, this is the team tutor. Let the guys know I smashed my fingers in a tragic laptop accident. I won't be able to write their bio papers. Hope they know something about the menstrual cycle."

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"Greetings and salutations. May I kindly speak to the residential college football batsman? My name is Apu, outsource coordinator for Telecom International. On behalf of the Nittany Lions of the State University of Pennsylvania, I implore you to investigate the momentum and land speed of your refrigeration unit. I believe it may be running. Please go and catch it. Thank you and good-bye."

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"Mr. Paterno, this is Willard Scott's office. Any chance we can get a picture of you with some of your favorite hobbies? Willard would like to wish you a happy birthday on the 'Today' show."

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"Myles Brand? I represent the Trojan Condom Company. We'd like to have a word with you. We have an issue about one of your member organization's team names."

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"Mr. Tressel, this is Columbus Ford. We'll be by tomorrow afternoon to deliver the new Explorers the O-line ordered."

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"Larry Coker? Dade County Sheriff's Department here. No problems to report. Have a nice night."

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"Is this Matt Leinart? This is Melissa. The rabbit died.''

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"Yeah, Coach Spurrier? I heard your interview on ESPN. You said Gamecock. Heh-heh.''

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Page 2 writers Jim Caple, Patrick Hruby, Scoop Jackson, Eric Neel and Michael Philbrick contributed to this story.