Progressive Party
EDITOR'S NOTE: In this most important of election years, it's time to find out where ESPN.com users ultimately stand. On sports, that is. So from now until Election Day on Nov. 2, Page 2 will present the campaigns, the platforms and -- yes -- the candidates for the two major parties of sports fans: the Purists and the Progressives. The primaries were held Monday, and the two candidates for the office of President of SportsNation have been determined. Today, we present the Progressive Party platform and its nominee for president: the one and only Destiny Sweetwater. Tomorrow, we hold our first debate.
| MEET DESTINY SWEETWATER |
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 CLICK HERE TO HEAR FROM DESTINY! |
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Name: Destiny Sweetwater Age: 28 Home: Santa Cruz, California Party affiliation: Progressive Background: Bachelor's degree from the University of Chicago in 1998, with a double-major in art and journalism. Attended film school at New York University, where she completed a project entitled "Free Your Mind" on the life and times of Antoine "The Real Deal" McNeel, the New York City playground legend who overcame drug addiction and a life-threatening gunshot wound to become a coach and mentor to inner-city children. Returned to a job in California as a project manager at Pixar Studios. Volunteers at Habitat for Humanity. Plays lead guitar in her band, Doublestuff, whose latest album, "Crossover Dribble," has been racing up local alternative radio charts. Takes kickboxing. Takes names. Takes no flack. Turn-ons: Stand-up triples, affordable beer, kids, and hanging out. Turn-offs: Bud Selig, luxury boxes, and crappy, crabby sports columnists. Favorite athletes: Lance Armstrong, Serena Williams, Kevin Garnett. In her magazine rack: Vibe, The New Yorker, ESPN The Magazine. In her head: Radiohead, OutKast, Coldplay. On her desktop: Her blog, "DestiNation," chronicles her love affair with sports and her experiences in the dating game. |
All right, boys and girls. Let's get this Party started.
Hi, I'm Destiny Sweetwater, and I'm proud to represent the Progressive Party as a candidate for the Presidency of SportsNation. We're the party that believes in making sports fun.
Would you like a date with Destiny? If so, let me tell you what I have in mind.
I love sports, and I bet you do, too.
Let me tell you what we're all about. Five quick points and we're out.
First, unlike Hank and the boys, we don't player-hate.
The Purists are always looking to run somebody down. They're always talking about their heroes back in the day, talking about how today's athletes aren't as good as players used to be.
But get this ...
When Michael Jordan came along, the Purists said that he was ruining basketball because he scored so much.
When Bo Jackson decided to play baseball instead of football, the Purists ripped him. When he went to the NFL, the Purists ripped him again. When he got hurt, the Purists cheered. When he tried to make a comeback, the Purists scoffed. When he hit a home run in his first at-bat, the Purists said it was a stunt. They don't know Bo.
When Kevin Garnett came to the NBA out of high school, the Purists said the world was falling apart.
When Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France, the Purists said he was on drugs.
When Michael Vick hit the NFL, the Purists said he was all hype.
Who do they like? I mean, do the Purists really like anyone?
The Progressive Party loves sports and loves great athletes. The Purists don't.
Secondly, let's make the games good again. Let's make them fun again.
You know, back when I was just a kid, Magic Johnson and Larry Bird were so much fun to watch. The Lakers and Celtics and all the other teams in basketball were scoring about 115 points a game. They ran crazy-ass fast breaks, they shot lights-out from anywhere on the court, and they had more passing than an interstate highway. Then Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley came along and took the game to a whole new level of excitement. The 1980s were New School hoops at its best.
Now, all we have is Old, Old School basketball. Back when Bill Russell and the Celtics were winning every championship (yawn), no one could shoot -- did you know that Bob Cousy shot only 37 percent for his career? They played rough and they ran cute little plays and shot lots of hook shots and played very close to the ground -- and they had no clue how to dunk, if they could even reach the rim.
And that's practically what we're seeing again. It's all defense. And bumping. And fouling. And rough play. And plays scripted by the coach. The quintessential Old School coach is Bob Knight -- he's the Perfect Purist Party representative, the guy who says that basketball is about avoiding mistakes and berates his players for every attempt to make plays.
We want wide-open basketball -- fast breaks, great shooting, great passing. We want to see the players play.
And it's not just basketball that we can make more fun. It's football (let's speed up the game!). It's baseball (let's speed up baseball, too). It's hockey -- I mean, we're talking about another game that's way too rough. Why not borrow an idea from the international game and make the ice bigger? And the nets, too, while we're at it. Who's against more scoring in hockey? Or in soccer? Who's against making golf more fun? Or making tennis great again?
I'll tell you who -- it's the Purists. They don't love sports the way we do. They just hate change. The Progressive Party wants to make the games good again. We want to let the players play! Let's have some fun!
Point No. 3: Let's slip into something more comfortable.
I'm talking about cushy seats in the ballparks. I'm talking padded seating, bun warmers, massage options and concessions ordered right from your seat -- and delivered, fast. And we're talking scrumptious stuff, not frozen weiners on a stale bun.
| PAGE 2's ELECTION COVERAGE |
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ELECTION CALENDAR Stay tuned to Page 2 for up-to-the-minute action in the Race to the SportsNation Presidency! We'll have all the info on running mates, campaign stops and more as we head to Election Day. |
And fold-out computers with a fully-loaded iPod system at every chair. Every stat, every number at your fingertips, including instant updates for your fantasy team. Instant info, crazy quizzes, video feeds from other games, anything you want to listen to -- it's right there for you. We believe the ballpark should be every bit as much fun as your den.
The Purist Party doesn't want you to have any of those things. They've got you sharpening pencils on cement and sitting in cold, hard seats and then waiting in line for two innings for crappy nachos. The Purist Party is living in the past.
The Progressive Party wants you to have sports your way. It's that simple.
No. 4: I'd like to share a little fantasy with you.
But first, let me tell you about a true sports nightmare, also known as "The Good Ol' Days." No sports on TV during the week. No sports talk radio. No fantasy sports. No NCAA tournament brackets. No World Series of Poker. No Internet, and no Internet betting. No video games. No Super Bowl.
Those were the days. The dark days. The days of Hank Lombard and the Purist Party.
These days, we're living in a fantasyland. We have every kind of way we can think of to enjoy sports, at our fingertips. Twenty-four-hour TV sports on multiple channels, fantasy sports (always on), Internet sports (always on), 24-hour sports talk radio.
We have a 64-team NCAA Tournament, men's and women's, with office pools and online tournament brackets. We have Madden football, and we have Madden on Monday Night Football, too. We have fantasy football, and fantasy hoops, and fantasy baseball, and fantasy NASCAR, and fantasy golf. You name it, we have it. And we like it like that.
The Purist Party can have Jimmy The Greek and the days when you watched one ballgame a week. The Progressive Party wants you to be able to be any kind of fan you want to be. That's the basic difference, right there.
OK, let's wrap this up by cutting to the chase.
Our fifth point is simple: The Progressive Party is for more -- more fun, more freedom.
Everybody gets in.
We're talking lower ticket prices, better transportation to the ballpark, and free parking.
But we're talking about opportunities, too.
In their heart of hearts, Hank and his turn-back-the-clock crew want a world where there's no Mia Hamm and no Tiger Woods.
All the best things about sports have come about as a result of progress.
The explosion of sports media and ways to enjoy sports -- that's progress.
Greater participation for women and African Americans -- that's progress.
Inner-city baseball camps, free golf and tennis clinics -- more progress.
A global sports community, the chance for America's best to compete with great athletes from all over the world -- that's big-time progress.
So we say open it up. We say the sports world is better than ever, with more fun, more options, more freedom, more excitement.
If Annika wants to tee it up against the big boys, we say, "Bring it." If she can play, let her play!
Fun and freedom, baby. More and more.
Sweetwater