Introducing the awesome Fan X
Welcome to the greatest sports column ever. This column is written by a fan. The fan. Me.
What's my name? It doesn't matter. You already know me. I'm the guy you work with. I'm the guy you see at the gym. I'm the guy your sister brought to Thanksgiving that one year.
I'm the guy who blows your #$%&ing mind with his hard-core sports knowledge and in-your-face opinions and SMACK! That's who I am. You'd better believe it.
How do I know I that I know more about sports than everyone else? Well, (A) I just do. That's how I roll. I guess it's a gift or something. And (B) Why else does everyone leave the break room at work when they see me coming? They know they can't match knowledge with me, so they just split. People feel uncomfortable around me. (Especially women. I turn them on.)
It's the same when I call into sports talk radio. I usually get hung up on. I guess the host can't deal with being humiliated on the radio by someone who knows 1,000 times more than he does about sports. Hey, it's not my fault they put a moron on the radio. He's probably just worried his bosses will hear me, realize there's a caller who would be a radio superstar if only he were given his own show, and send him packing. That's why I get hung up on. It's not just because I don't stay on topic and curse and have threatened the host. I AM a threat to the host!
But now I have this column. I don't know how long I'll have it. The people around here probably are just as worried about losing their jobs to someone who could do it way better. (And they'll probably eventually see the column here and realize their publishing program has been hacked. I got the intern at work to do it for me. He said he would if I stopped talking to him about my fantasy team.)
That reminds me ... some things you'll see in my column:
• Lots of stuff about my fantasy team. Did you know I was robbed of a win in my fantasy basketball league last week? ROBBED! One more Matt Barnes assist on Sunday night, and I would have won. I know he got it, too, but he was playing on the road, so the biased scorer probably didn't give it to him. And David Stern says the NBA isn't corrupt. Riiiiiiiight. If don't win my fantasy league now because of that, he basically stole money out of my pocket. (I'm not in a money league this year. Or last year, either, I guess. Haven't been in a while. I struggle to get people to be in fantasy leagues with me. It's because they know they won't beat me. So I just join random leagues online ... AND THEN UNLEASH THE PAIN ON THE MESSAGE BOARDS!)
• Trade ideas. Here's the truth: I could do a better job than pretty much every general manager in sports. That's kind of my plan here. Some smart team owner will notice my awesome ideas and trade scenarios, and then I'll get a GM job. (But only if an owner has the BALLS to make that kind of move.) I'm not going to give everything away now, but here's my current trade idea:
The Yankees should sign Johnny Damon to a two-year deal on the cheap and then trade him and Jorge Posada to the Twins for Joe Mauer. The Twins would get two proven winners -- combined World Series titles ... I don't know, lots of them -- and save some money over the long term. And the Yankees would get a star player and their answer at catcher for the next decade.
Makes perfect sense, right? How could this move NOT happen? And that's not even my best trade idea. I've got a ton. You should hear the one about the Mets getting Roy Halladay and Chase Utley from the Phillies without giving up hardly anything in return. But I'm not giving that one away for free. I'm not doing Omar Minaya's job for him.
• Play ideas and coaching critiques. Here's the truth: I could do a better job than pretty much every coach in sports. That's kind of my plan here. Some smart general manager will notice my awesome ideas and play calls, and then I'll get a coaching job. (But only if a GM has the BALLS to make that kind of move.)
Where to even start? Sean Payton and Jim Caldwell should both be FIRED for some of the moves they made in the Super Bowl. Caldwell should never see a football field again, and Payton is just lucky that Hank Baskett catches worse than my sister. Do these morons know nothing about football? I know there isn't an exact correlation between the NFL and "Madden," but it's a pretty close simulation. When is a coach going to be smart enough to run that play where the quarterback starts in a shotgun, then rolls out way to the right and then throws back across the field to a wide-open receiver for a touchdown? IT WORKS! That's the simple truth of it. Run that play a few times in the Super Bowl ... you're WORLD champion!
Again, all of this is just a taste. You can't even imagine what I've got in store for you. If you've made it this far, you already know how smart I am and will be coming back for more. If you haven't, it's because you're jealous.
Look, I've got to go. I was supposed to be in my boss's office 20 minutes ago for my quarterly performance review. He can stuff that. Because soon I won't need that job anymore. I'm about to become a media star.
Fan X is anonymous, but you know him well. He works with you, or he's your neighbor or maybe the guy sitting one table over at the sports bar. He's incredibly annoying.