Commentary

Fan X is back with the smack

Originally Published: February 26, 2010
By Fan X | Page 2

I'm back. Fan X is back.

It seems I struck a nerve with my first column, so I'm here for Take 2. Sorry, haters.

Yeah, that's right. I've got HATERS. I read the comments from my first column. Most of you didn't have the guts to sign your name to them, but I read them anyway because I'm a Fan X of the people.

Here's why I know I'm becoming a media superstar: People hate on me. And the only reason people hate is because they're jealous. That's a fact. Deny it all you want, but then you're just a hater, too. Just another jealous hater. (<-- Another fact.)

Before I give you the latest round of my unfiltered, in-your-face sports opinions (TRUTHS) and SMACK, let me first call out a few of you haters individually.

User "carrharris" wrote "This guy sounds like he really sucks … " First of all, YOU suck. And are jealous. Second: "sounds like"? That doesn't make any sense. An Internet article doesn't SOUND like anything. Unless you read out loud like an idiot. So before you criticize a writer who has gotten where you NEVER WILL, make sure you know the language. And the remember: What you say doesn't affect me.

Mr. "Mgb_5" you, another hater, said my idea of the Yankees re-signing Johnny Damon and then trading him with Jorge Posada to the Twins for Joe Mauer was "trash." Ridiculous! You're trash. Just because Brian Cashman didn't have the guts to pull off the deal doesn't mean it's a bad idea. Quite the opposite, in fact. Remember, this is the same guy who signed Carl Pavano and Hideki Irabu and Ed Whitson. He's a documented moron. The fact that he didn't do my deal proves just how smart it was.

And it's all just another example of why I should be a GM. But in time. First, I'll keep slinging my knowledge here and getting more attention.

Now, for more haters …

"Sdotface" wrote "The idea of 'Fan X' was a good idea, the execution just sucked." Oh yeah? Well … the idea of … sdotface's life was good, the execution just sucked. Hater.

And then there's "hac00man," who commented "you idiots … ITS A JOKE … hello … I love these comments." WHAT? YOU are a joke. You are. I'm no joke. I am as real as it gets. And I'm not going away. And another thing: Don't rip the commenters, jerk. They are my readers.

Now, with the haters silenced for a bit, let's get back to what I do best: bring the knowledge.

• Back to the Damon trade, I still think that deal can happen. Cashman, if you're listening -- and you should be -- acquire Damon back from the Tigers and then ship him to the Twins with Posada and Mauer. Get Francisco Liriano, too. That guy still has some upside.

• I can't believe I didn't write before the NBA trade deadline. I had some great trade ideas for that, too. And I predicted perfectly -- player for player -- three different trades. You can ask any of my friends.

• Now for a football prediction: If Tim Tebow legitimately makes over his throwing motion and the scouts like what they see, he'll have a future in the NFL. If not, he could have some problems. TRUTH.

• If the Rams pick a quarterback No. 1 overall, they have to make the right choice. Pick the wrong guy and they'll set the franchise back another few years. FACT.

• Based on their offseason moves so far, next year's NFL sleeper team will be one of these teams: the Jaguars, Texans, Steelers, Giants or Patriots. REALITY.

On to the Olympics. I don't watch a lot of these sports when the Olympics aren't on, but when they do come on every four years it's nice to remember how much I know about them. Did you see that call in the women's short track whatever-it-was final? Some kind of relay. Anyway, how could they not call a violation on that Korean who put her hand down on the ice? I really doubt they can do that. And Rachael Flatt's figure skating deductions were BOGUS! I don't know how the judges can sleep at night. The Soviet judges always kill American skaters. (By the way: I was only watching figure skating 'cause I couldn't sleep. I had too many Red Bulls at the gym. I would never normally watch skating.)

Whoa. I went way over here. And the radio guy said he's about to open up the phone lines on Olympic talk. Time to bring the knowledge on NORDIC COMBINED. I will speak TRUTH. Like always.

See you next time. As long as there is a next time. I don't know how long they'll let me write here. I make everyone else look bad.

Fan X is anonymous, but you know him well. He works with you, or he's your neighbor, or maybe the guy sitting one table over at the sports bar. He's incredibly annoying.


• Philbrick: Page 2's Greatest Hits, 2000-2012
• Caple: Fond memories of a road warrior
• Snibbe: An illustrated history of Page 2
Philbrick, Gallo: Farewell podcast Listen

ALSO SEE