Some half-decent (and some half-baked) observations at the halfway point of yet another half-crazy NFL season...

HALFWAY TO HEFNER: Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were kicked off the squad after a Girls Gone Wild erotic altercation in the bathroom of a Tampa night club. This only reconfirms Bible-banging Charlotte as the sports-scandal capital of the world and ... and ... (hmmm ... cheerleaders ... real-life cat fighting ... lunging ... scratching ... meeeoooow) aw, dangit, forgot what else I wanted to say.

YOU'RE HALFWAY THERE BUDDY: Hey T.O., you happen to remember Carl Pickens? He was a decent wideout whose surly me-first 'tude and cancerous locker-room presence overshadowed his athletic gifts. Remember him? Yeah, me neither.

DOING TWICE AS MUCH WITH HALF THE TALENT: Chicago, Denver and, as usual, New England.

DOING HALF AS MUCH WITH TWICE THE TALENT: Minnesota, Buffalo, Baltimore and, as usual, Arizona.

HALF 'N' HALF JERSEYS: Giants/Colts. Kinda dorky, I admit, but get yours now before the Manning brothers (who are a combined 14-2) meet in Super Bowl XL.

LESS THAN HALF: Number of neighbors who got my Halloween costume of 2005 NFL 1st ½ D-MVP, Troy Polamalu. Maybe I should have gone as Dwight Freeney.

HALF AS FUNNY: This season of "Curb Your Enthusiasm," which now seems to be blatantly ripping off old "Seinfeld" gags (like the magazine in the bathroom; an obvious homage to George's taking a book into the can at Brentano's). Also receiving half a vote: The dreadfully awkward "Too Late with Adam Corolla."

HALF A DOZEN: Picks by Cincinnati safety and Mike (The Genius) Shanahan reject Deltha O'Neal.

HALF AS GOOD: All other movies available on DVD compared to "Crash."

HALF A GENIUS: Who was the writer dude from Page 2 who at the beginning of the season said all the trauma would eventually catch up to the Saints? Oh yeah, that was me. I also said that no matter what their record ended up being, just for surviving this mess with some class and dignity their season should still be considered a success. Course, I never mentioned the owner.

WAIT HALF A SECOND, FLEM: I was also the guy touting the Vikes as my preseason Super Bowl pick.

HALF THE CREDIT THEY DESERVE: San Diego 'backer Donnie Edwards; Falcons RB Warrick Dunn; and both Bears 'backer Lance Briggs and running back Thomas Jones.

HALFHEARTED: Jamal, meet Ricky. Ricky, Jamal.

I'M ALMOST HALF SERIOUS: I'd pay my own way to watch Edgerrin James, Steve Smith and Jeremy Shockey play their brand of fearless, violent, you-better-back-up-outta-my-face football.

HALF MY INTERVIEW: With MVP candidate Carson Palmer centered around "Laguna Beach" (the so-bad-it's-good MTV show, not the town.)

HALF-WIT: Cards coach Denny "Crane" Green has won eight games in Arizona -- eight -- and all of them with Josh McCown, the quarterback he demoted (again) last week. With this kind of logic it's only a matter of time before Crane cuts the team MVP, kicker Neil Rackers, who was a perfect 26-of-26 in the first half of the season.

YOU OWE ME HALF A JOCK: What Jets corner Ty Law must have said to LaDainian Tomlinson after he got faked out of his grunders last week by the first half MVP.

HALFWAY TO THE RECORD BOOKS: Speaking of L.T., he's halfway to an NFL record 30 TDs. And Indy LB Cato June is more than halfway to the record for picks (eight) in a season by a 'backer.

HALF A DECADE: How long (in football time) the Browns went without a rushing TD during their 13-game drought.

HALF A CENTURY: What my Lil' Miami-Ohio RedHawks rang up on Buffalo last week (in a 54-13 victory). I'm thinking it might take us an entire half to score that much on Ohio U.

HALFWAY OVER: This column.

HALFWAY DONE: Hate e-mails from Ohio U fans.

HALFWAY HOME: The Los Angeles Saints of San Antonio.

HALF-WIT II: Anybody who believes the Saints' move will be based on anything other than the league's insatiable greed. Think I'm half-crazy? Ask all the loyal fans the NFL deserted in Cleveland, Houston, Baltimore, St. Louis and Los Angeles.

HALFWAY TO THE PLAYOFFS: The Vikes. In the NFC North you gotta figure Brad Johnson needs to win only four of his last eight to take the division. Hey, don't get mad at me. Blame the NFL's uber-parity.

HALF THE FOLKS: Praising Dick Vermeil for his gutsy decision to go for the win against the Raiders would be ripping him and calling him an out-of-touch crybaby had they not converted. But if you take the time to listen to the coach, you'll understand that this was a strategic call rather than an emotional one.

HALFWAY TO TOLEDO: Matt Millen, Steve Mariucci and Joey Harrington. Of these three, only Mooch will find his way back into the game. I mean, for crying out loud, every time I look at the TV the Burger King guy is scoring another TD against the dreadful Motor City Kitties. Maybe Millen shoulda drafted him too.

HALF THE TIME: When you hear someone say a quarterback has great "pocket poise," what they really mean is the guy's too dim-witted to understand how much actual pressure he's under.

HALF THE YARDS PER GAME: What the Jets got when they traded wideout Santana Moss (107 yards) to Washington for Laveranues Coles (56.1).

PLAYING WITH HALF A TEAM: The injury-plagued Packers are 1-7 and off to their worst start in 19 years. The Panthers went through a lot worse last year ... and they finished 7-9 and just missed the playoffs. Of course, they weren't led by a guy with 14 picks or a coach like Mike Sherman, a pitchman for cell-phone company Cellcom who is so focused on the task at hand that he recently threw a hissy fit during his press conference when ... ring-ring ... when ... ring-ring-ring ... hold on a sec, I need to get this.

HALF THE E-MAILS I GET: Complain that I no longer give out a weekly WHYLO (Who Helped You Log On?) Award. The other half either want to know how Flem File mascot and Raiders tight end Zeron Flemister is doing (he's been inactive the last three weeks) or what I was listening to when I wrote my column (the Pixies).

HALF A CHANCE: What vanilla coaches like Marty Schottenheimer and Bill Cowher have in the playoffs should they get matched up against Bill Belichick.

HALF A DOZEN: This is the sixth time since 1990 that the Bengals have won seven games in a season.

HEY, NOT HALF BAD: I hate country music with every fiber of my being, but I kinda dig that MNF halftime highlight hoedown with the dude in the hat who's married to Faith Whatsername.

HALFWAY HOUSE: Where Bears QB Kyle Orton might end up if the NFL season had anymore bye weeks.

ONLY HALF CONVINCED: That Jake the Snake isn't going to re-emerge this winter.

HALF A LITTLE CLASS: To all the fogies out there who long for the good old days of sportsmanship and values, I give you the most classless tradition in sports: the undefeated 1972 Dolphins celebrating with champagne over another team's failure.

HALF THE COUNTRY: Still thinks the Seahawks play in the CFL. But that'll all change when MVP candidate RB Shaun Alexander runs for 2,000 yards and you see the Certs colored unis in the NFC Championship Game.

NOT HALF A CHANCE: That you'll see me use this space to glorify coaches or players whose sense of perspective is so completely out of whack that they're willing to risk their own lives to continue working in the NFL.

HALF AN HOUR: How much extra dead time flag-happy-look-at-me-I'm-in-charge NFL refs seem to be adding to games this season. I can deep fry a Thanksgiving turkey in less time.

HALF 'N' HALF: How I'd characterize my upcoming fall leaf-raking technique. I push half the leaves on one neighbor's yard and blow half the leaves on the other.

David Fleming is a senior writer at ESPN The Magazine. His book, "Noah's Rainbow," a father's emotional journey from the death of his son to the birth of his daughter, can be preordered through Baywood Publishing. Contact him at Dave.Fleming@espn3.com