There are approximately 4,000 Division I players who will be vying for your attention when the men's college basketball season tips off Thursday night. That's a lot of names to learn.

You could take the time to read through all 326 rosters, but that might get boring. For every name like Pee-Wee Gash (the Tennessee guard) or Ryan Teets (a forward for Air Force) that raises your brow, there will be dozens of boring, colorless names that make your eyes glaze over.

Your other option is to peruse the narrative below.

If you would still rather waste all that time scouring each roster yourself, be my guest. Me? I'm going to spend my time on more enjoyable pursuits -- like wondering if graduated forwards Butter Johnson of UNC-Charlotte and Roy Smallwood of UTEP are playing in the same CBA frontcourt somewhere and getting heckled mercilessly.

These are things I need to know.

So ... onward to:

If Duquesne replaces their coach, they'll go through a Nee replacement, right?

College Basketball 2004-2005: A Name Narrative
Injuries always hurt a team. A Bone (Washington assistant coach Kevin) -- like a Legge (Santa Clara forward Jordan) or Finger (Stanford forward Taj) -- can break at the most inopportune time. A starter can develop a Nee (Duquesne coach Danny) problem or a Skinn (George Mason guard Tony) condition.

Every coach wants his team to play Fairly (Lamar guard Thomas), be Polite (Centenary forward Joseph) and use proper English (Missouri-Kansas City guard Mike), not words like "Diame" (Jacksonville State forward Abdou) and "Shyatt" (Florida assistant Larry). And, of course, one should never flip the Byrd (Arkansas-Pine Bluff guard William). If a coach happens to See (UC-Santa Barbara guard Joe) any such behavior, he might develop a Tic (McNeese State coach Price) and become Moody (Kansas forward Christian).

Whether Gay (UConn forward Rudy) or Straight (Wyoming guard Jay), a player can doom a team's season if he is caught up in a sex scandal. A Gay (San Diego forward Brandon) player photographed at a Guy Beach (Fresno State assistant) might not be seen as Manley (Cal Poly forward John), and his reputation could be ruined for Goode (Hartford forward Trevor) if it is discovered that he Lay (UNC-Wilmington forward Taylor) with a Hooker (North Carolina forward C.J.) at Knight (Loyola Marymount forward Matthew) -- especially if it is caught on Camara (San Diego State goard Mohammad). It may be a Gasser (Washington forward Hans) for a Short (Oregon center Matt) time, but the boosters definitely won't Lovett (Texas Southern guard Allen) and likely will demand someone's Head (Illinois guard Luther).

Sex scandals are not the only dangers players must avoid. It is against the Law (Texas A&M guard Acie) to Gamble (Elon guard Rasmi) and place Betts (South Carolina State coach Ben), even if the player was merely duped by a Conn (Gardner-Webb center Simon). Also, if underage, it is bad news to get caught drinking even a Few (Gonzaga coach Mark) Beers (Siena guard Mike). That includes spiked Tang (Baylor assistatn Jerome).

A team with players who do any of this is more likely to end up on "Montell" (Elon guard Watson) than in the NCAA Tournament.

And if a player gets caught, the coach will have to exercise his Power (Mississippi State guard Shane) and make some Cutts (San Jose State assistant Dennis). And the offending player? Well, he's a Gonner (Southeast Missouri State forward Dainmon).

Teams with players who have a shady past -- like Dave Bliss (Georgia center), Ben Johnson (Washington State assistant), Bobby Brown (Cal State-Fullerton guard) or Amoroso (Marquette forward Ryan) -- are more likely to be plagued by scandal. On the other hand, teams with players who have had success in other areas of life -- people such as Chris Tucker (Virginia Tech forward), Charles Bronson (East Carolina center), Bobby Jones (Washington forward), Franco Harris (Boise State guard), Reggie Jackson (Murray State forward), Ron Howard (Valparaiso guard), and Regis (LSU forward Koundjia) -- always lend balance to a Goode (Fairfield guard Tyquan) team. Players like that who can make a season Funn (Portland State guard Will), and prevent the home fans from uttering a single Boo (Wisconsin guard Wade).

But that isn't the only Key (Winthrop guard Brandon) to being a Victor (Cleveland State guard Morris).

Even the most casual Quaintance (Jacksonville forward Haminn) of a college player will tell you they are superstitious. Some players think it's Luckey (St. Francis guard Darshan) to have a Barber (UNC-Asheville forward Joseph) Trim (Sacred Heart center Kibwe) their hair down to their Pate (South Alabama center Jacques). Some will grow a Beard (Morgan State coach Butch), while others think success is only a matter of Majak (Loyola guard Kou). Still others won't wash their jerseys all season, which creates a definite Funk (Creighton guard Nate).

Hmm ... there's really nothing too funky about Nate is there?

Coaches, as always, play a major role. In pre-game speeches, they may invoke Patton (Marshall center Mark) as though the team is going into Battle (Buffalo guard Turner), or pray to Jesus (George Mason forward Urbina) -- that is, if they are Christian (Kent State coach Jim) -- or maybe even Muhammad (Cincinnati guard Jihad). Others threaten Killings (Rice center Greg) if another player performs like a Coward (VMI guard Matt).

Of course, not every player can be the next LaBraun (Vanderbilt forward Andrews). Even the Best (Evansville forward Tyler) players sometimes won't get taken in future NBA Drafts (Charleston Southern forward Trent). They may go on to other pursuits, from a Chancellor (Rice guard Walt) to a Baker (Tulsa forward Yusuf) to a Bishop (Florida Atlantic guard Jimmy) to a Farmar (UCLA guard Jordan) to a Monk (Arkansas guard Marcus) to a Carney (Memphis forward Rodney). Some might even return to their alma maters one day as Dean (Louisiana Tech guard Corey). That's why it's important that the student-athletes Rede (Idaho State forward Nate), so they can Garner (Southeast Missouri State coach Gary) Merritt (Samford forward J. Robert) in their Major (Tennessee center Wingate) and Minor (LSU guard Tack), and one day earn top Dollar (Washington assistant Cameron).

Road games make it hard on the student-athletes, and the trips always seem to be getting Longar (Oklahoma forward Longar), sometimes lasting Weekes (Middle Tennessee State forward Alex) at a time, with more Miles (Valparaiso guard Jimmie) added each year. It's important that a team on the road gets some good Grubb (Pepperdine center Derick) from a trained Cook (Hartford guard Aaron), no matter the Price (Georgia Southern coach Jeff). A very Hardy (Cal State-Fullerton forward Asprilla) meal is Hamm (Towson forward Lawrence) and Veal (Nicholls State forward Maurice) Stew (Utah State coach Morrill). Many teams stay away from Rice (Gonzaga assistant Leon) and Curry (Oklahoma State guard Jameson) because it can lead to Loos (Austin Peay coach Dave) Pooh (Tulsa assistant Williamson).

Pugh! (Chattanooga forward Alphonso)

Stanback! (Loyola forward Freddy).

In that case, a player could even have to miss games by spending too much time in the John (New Mexico State guard Duane) with Diarra (Kansas forward Dramane), which is Gross (Rice assistant Marty). Then it's very important to have a good team Doc (UTEP coach Sadler).

There are many things that can lead to a Register (Stetson guard Anthony) in the win column. All teams know they are going to lose some games. But that isn't a problem as long as they Winsome (Mississippi State guard Frazier) Moore (Stanford forward Evan).

D.J. Gallo is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine, as well as the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com.