By DJ Gallo
Special to Page 2

Bad week for football in Miami.

First, the musical stylings of the "7th Floor Crew" were made public and then the Hurricanes were upset by Georgia Tech Saturday, which was followed by the Dolphins' blowout loss in Cleveland yesterday.

And now it has come to my attention that the Dolphins like to freestyle just as much as their collegiate brethren. Housed on the 7th floor (or "flo'" as known in rap parlance) of their Cleveland hotel Saturday night, several Dolphins recorded their own song to pass the time.

Luckily, I was given exclusive access to the lyrics. But before I get to those, let's first look back at the action from Week 11:

Headlines That Are Probably in Newspapers This Morning ...

National wire services: "Shocker! Colts defense might not be the greatest ever!"

Chicago: "NFC North rivals accuse 7-3 Bears of selling out"

Dallas: "Crowds give rave reviews for Dallas' stop of Joey Harrington Comedy Tour"

Indianapolis: "'72 Dolphins gather to break Peyton Manning's legs"

Philadelphia: "Yet another Terrell Owens headline ... Blah, blah, blah, et cetera, et cetera, blah, blah"

Pittsburgh: "Cowher schedules mandatory team meeting to throw trash in Maddox's yard"

Thirteen Things I Thought While Robbing Thirteen Starbucks ...

1. In light of the above headline, Steelers fans, I should mention that I was in Pittsburgh Thursday and Friday and took the opportunity to pre-emptively throw trash in Tommy Maddox's yard and taunt his children. So no need for anyone else to do it.

2. I don't know what the play is that the Ravens have been using all season, in which Jamal Lewis tiptoes and stutter-steps into a big pile at the line of scrimmage and then falls over, but I think they should stop calling it if they want to win any more games this season.

3. It must be delightful to go through life with the self-assuredness of Brian Billick. He had such a smug, satisfied look on his face as he walked off the field yesterday, totally confident in the knowledge that he is far and away the smartest person to ever coach a talent-laden 3-7 team that hasn't scored 20 points through 10 games of an NFL season.

4. Quick question on the NFL's new rule barring horse-collar tackles: If John Elway was still playing, would a penalty be called for horse collaring every time he was tackled?

5. San Francisco receiver Brandon Lloyd has been making spectacular, circus-type catches all season, and people are beginning to talk about how much more spectacular they'll become once the 49ers improve and get their passing game amped up in the coming seasons. But here's the thing: If and when the 49ers improve, the circus catches will pretty much come to an end. See, the nice thing about having a decent quarterback is that they tend to throw you the ball in the general vicinity of your body, not 10 feet over your head like what Lloyd sees constantly from his quarterback, Cody Dorseysmith.

6. I honestly don't know what purpose Colts offensive coordinator Tom Moore serves. No matter what play he calls, Peyton Manning just audibles out of it. If I was Moore and had my authority and expertise constantly undermined, I'd at least have some fun when sending plays in. Instead of telling Peyton the play was something like Trips Right 49 Sweep Trap or Pro Left X-Zoom 999 H-Fly, I'd call them things like Trips Right Everybody Cut Footloose or Pro Left Vanderbilt 28 Tennessee 24. Or maybe even Counter Trap You're A Huge Dork, Peyton.

7. With his two touchdown passes yesterday against the Patriots, Aaron Brooks passed Archie Manning for the most in Saints history with 116. He also now tops New Orleans' record book with 10 300-yard passing games to Papa Manning's nine. So with all that said, can we please now stop pretending that Archie Manning was a great pro quarterback? Please?! Great college quarterback, sure. But when one's passing records are being obliterated by Aaron Brooks -- in nearly half the games played -- it's tough to still try to make the case for ever being good at the pro level. And yes, I know he played on poor teams in New Orleans, but part of the reason those teams were bad was because he was the quarterback. David Carr hasn't played on good teams either, but no one pretends he is an all-time great. Although I guess all Carr needs to do is father some sons who go on to become media-darling quarterbacks 25 years from now and people will pretend he was an NFL legend.

8. Eli Manning wears poopy diapers.

9. I should probably mention at this point that I probably wouldn't be considered the world's biggest fan of the Manning Family. So maybe you should take the three preceding items with a grain of salt. (Excluding the one on Eli though. That one is totally legit.)

10. If I might be so bold, I'd like to suggest a costume for Clinton Portis to wear this week for his media appearances. It's not a very well-known costume, but I think it would be perfect for him. It's called Mr. GlueHands, and it simply entails dressing up like Clinton Portis, with the only difference being that you don't fumble.

11. Great week for Penn State football. The Nittany Lions won the Big Ten title and clinched a BCS birth, and former star running back Larry Johnson set a Chiefs single-game rushing record with 211 yards. (Or the total career NFL yardage of Curtis Enis, Ki-Jana Carter, Blair Thomas and D.J. Dozier combined.) Oh, and for the icing on the cake, Kerry Collins managed to not blow a game with a late turnover.

12. Last night was the second time the Texans played on "Sunday Night Football" this season, and it was hilarious to hear the ever-positive and effusive announcing crew try to think of complimentary things to say about them. I got the feeling we were just a few minutes of broadcast time short of comments like: "See the way David Carr ducks his head and buckles his knees to avoid the brunt of that hit? What a special kid. If you want to talk about a quarterback who gets dropped better than any other, the argument begins and ends with Carr. Simply fantastic."

13. I don't care too much about tonight's meaningless Vikings-Packers game on "Monday Night Football," but I'm going to tune in to the beginning, simply to see what they do with the intro. If there's not some combination of a dozen or so Minnesota Vikings, a toy boat and a naked Desperate Housewife, a producer needs to be fired.

Quotes I May Have Overheard Had I Actually Attended Any Games Like a Real Journalist ...

"I didn't care if we won or lost, to tell you the truth. I just wanted the game to end as quickly as possible so I could get home to see the end of the final NASCAR race. Yee-haw!" -- Joe Gibbs, after the Redskins lost at home to the Raiders.

"I told you all: don't question my abilities as a passer. However, if you would like to question whether we are a playoff team, you are more than welcome to." -- Michael Vick, after throwing for 306 yards in a home loss to Tampa Bay.

"After a humiliating loss like that, we all just want to go back home to Miami and blow off some steam with the 7th Flo' Crew." -- Sage Rosenfels, after the Dolphins lost 22-0 at Cleveland.

"People were saying playing us was a trap game for the Seahawks. But I thought it was more of a trap game for us, because when you stink, every game is a trap game." -- Mike Nolan, following the 49ers' loss to Seattle.

Rumors from My Nonexistent Inside Sources ...

• Several Raiders and Redskins players met at midfield after yesterday's game at FedEx Field. But it wasn't to pray. No, my sources say it was to share their favorite "Norv Turner stinks so bad" jokes.

• In his faux marriage proposal to a Bengals cheerleader after scoring against the Colts, Chad Johnson presented her with a 14-karat gold ring, fashioned from his spare teeth.

• Donovan McNabb was so disgusted by the Eagles' loss yesterday that he threw up on himself. Although it might have been less to do with being disgusted, and more because vomiting is part of his regular Sunday routine.

• The Ravens will not start Chester Taylor over Jamal Lewis until he proves he is committed to the team's philosophy by getting arrested.

The Miami Dolphins' "7th Floor Crew"

As I mentioned above, I was granted exclusive access to the lyrics of a rap song several Dolphins players freestyled on the 7th floor of their hotel Saturday night. Thankfully, it's not nearly as profane or offensive as the one done by the Hurricanes' 7th Floor Crew. Anyway, here it is. (And it's to the beat of any really poorly written rap song. So take your pick.)

We be the Dolphins, the orange and teal
Up on the 7th flo' makin'em squeal
We sho' gonna bring it. That is a must
Now lets pass it over to our homie Gus

Hey, yo it's G-F'rotte, up in this hizzy
Headbuttin' walls is makin' me dizzy
If you wanna hit it, use contraception
Now I gots to go and throw an interception

We be the Dolphins, the orange and teal
Up on the 7th flo' coppin' a feel
Hittin' a flow and it ain't a bit tricky
Now let's hand it over to our boy Ricky

Hey, yo it's R-Dub, go tell your mama
I took a year off cuz I love marijuana
Love my teammates, too, but I must confess
They only love me back when I wear my wedding dress

We be the Dolphins, the orange and teal
Up on the 7th flo' keepin' it real
Bringin' it strong for our babies' mommy
Now passin' it to our main man, it's Ronnie

Hey, yo it's R. Brown's turn with the mic attack
I'm 10 times better than the Cadillac
When talkin' Auburn backs, I'm the best one
Like a freakin' "Tecmo Bowl" Bo Jackson

We be the Dolphins, the orange and teal
Up on the 7th flo' with an appeal
Rhymes comin' strong like a heart attack
Now givin' it over to our homie Zach

Hey, yo it's Zach T, representin' the D
Up here watchin' Ricky take his drug pee
Now I gots to say, our team ain't all that
But at least we ain't coached by no Wannstedt

We be the Dolphins, the orange and teal
Up on the 7th flo' makin' a deal
Bringin' it smoother than the great one Jeter
Now clear some room for our fearless leader

Hey, yo it's Saban, now up on this flo'
Bustin' it up before they call the po-po
Some say I can't coach down to the wire
But all I really know is that I spit hot fire

We be the Dolphins, the orange and teal
Sucka MCs gonna have to deal
We be the Dolphins, all up in yo' face
Wanna step to us? You gotta come toward last place


See, I told you it was poorly written. It almost makes me question whether the Dolphins really did it. To me, it reads as though it was penned by some white guy in his mid-20s who has only purchased four or five rap albums since he was in middle school. (A description that, coincidentally, also describes me.)

Till next week, uh … my dawgs.

DJ Gallo is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine, as well as the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also contributes headlines to The Onion.