If there's one thing I know, it's that when people log on to Page 2, they want to read some haiku. That's a given.

And there's never been a better time for sports-related haiku than this year's NCAA Tournament, because not only is J.J. Redick the best-known player in college basketball, he's also the best-known poet in college basketball (if not the greatest playing poet in the entire world).

So in traditional haiku form -- five syllables, seven syllables and then five again -- I've put pen to paper on some of the top teams and biggest names in the 2006 NCAA Tournament.

Without further ado, it's my haiku tourney preview.

You've been Pittsnogled!
Now go take a long shower.
The dude is dirty.

UConn will not win.
Go type it on your laptop.
(Which may be stolen.)

UNC, Hansbrough...
both teams have come a long way.
But light blue? Girly.

Coach K loves AmEx.
Almost like he loves cursing.
Duke's gonna lose ... #**&!

Billy Donovan
seems a little bit slimy.
And not just his hair.

Tennessee is back.
But do not mess with Bruce Pearl.
He will rat you out.

Bruce Weber does wear
an extremely ugly coat.
His voice is weird, too.

Pitt's Carl Krauser is
a 45-year-old man
who makes turnovers.

Pac-10 basketball?
No East Coast bias from me.
It just really stinks.

Texas could be great.
Or they could lose by 40.
Bet on the former.

Memphis can win it.
If "it" is a tournament
against cupcake teams.

And Ohio State?
At least they're not cheating now.
(Who will pay Oden?)

Jay Wright loves mirrors.
He loves expensive suits, too.
He thinks you want him.

Bucknell, dark-horse pick.
But name one guy on the team.
Exactly. You can't.

So George Washington?
He slept a lot of places.
But died in Round 2.

Missouri Valley
Don't disrespect mid-majors.
Even when they lose.

Overrated? No.
G-Mac is underrated.
"Hell, yeah!" says Boeheim.

Adam Morrison.
Ride his mustache all the way.
The Zags are coming.

Headlines…

Tournament selection committee vows to abstain from drinking during meetings in the future

No. 1 seed Duke appears to have clear path to another soul-crushing Final Four loss

Women's Selection Monday concept absolutely adorable

Edgerrin James signs 4-year, $30 million contract with oblivion

A-Rod's clutch single shocks Japan, and everyone who's ever seen A-Rod play

New book to allege that Pete Rose bet on baseball

Five Things I Thought I Thought While Vomiting Over Allan Ray's Eye Injury...

1. Lots of people are saying the NCAA Tournament selection committee made major mistakes in seeding the tourney. But give the committee members some credit. They're by no means stupid. It's all a clever ruse concocted to make some money. Think about it -- they're going to clean up in their office pools. When everyone else is going with chalk, the committee members will have a No. 2 seed like Tennessee or maybe even UCLA going out early in their brackets, while they advance teams that were given undeservedly low seeds, such as No. 5 Pitt and No. 7 Georgetown. So, you see, they're just trying to win a few hundred bucks in their office pools. That, or they have absolutely zero knowledge of college basketball. It's one or the other.

2. The baseball Hall of Fame might have a serious problem on its hands. If Barry Bonds is kept out, he'll join Pete Rose and "Shoeless" Joe Jackson as all-time greats who aren't enshrined in Cooperstown. And if someone decides to open an Anti-Hall of Fame -- one that commemorates the careers of Bonds, Rose and Jackson -- I think it will get far more attendance than the traditional Hall. No one will want to travel to Cooperstown to look at some bronze busts and old photographs when they can instead go to the Anti-Hall and gamble, take drugs and walk around without any shoes on. It's a no-brainer. The Anti-Hall would be way more fun.

3. A few weeks ago Antwaan Randle El said God would decide what he should do in regards to his impending free agency. Yesterday, God apparently made his wishes known: "Antwaan, it is I, God. I doth command that thou shalt take the most money you are offered, no questions asked. Oh, and don't worry about getting more playing time. The money is the key. Always. And so it shall be." (At least that's how I imagined it might have gone.) Randle El had a six-year, $18 million contract -- including an $8 million signing bonus -- on the table to be the second receiver for his hometown Chicago Bears. But instead he signed a more lucrative seven-year, $31 million deal (including $11.5 million in bonuses) with the Redskins, even though with Santana Moss, David Patten and Brandon Lloyd already in tow, Randle El will be Washington's third, and maybe even fourth, receiver. Now I know God is supposed to work in mysterious ways, but when an athlete takes the most money he's offered even though the situation might be better elsewhere, that's not mysterious. That's predictable.

4. If you're up for some unbelievably awful television Monday evening, check out the second episode of "Pros vs. Joes" on SpikeTV. Monday night's show features three "Joes" taking on Bo Jackson, Muggsy Bogues, Jenny Finch and Bill Romanowski. I figure Jackson will challenge the contestants to football or baseball. Bogues will play them in basketball. Finch will pitch to them and Romanowski will ... I don't really know. It could be something football-related. But more likely he'll participate with the Joes in a dual challenge of pill-popping and possible racial-slur hurling. Or maybe a contest to see who can be the most unlikable. Regardless, I don't think he can be beaten in any of them.

5. Oh, by the way -- despite what my Gonzaga haiku above may suggest, I don't think they will win the national championship. Or even reach the Final Four. No team from a mid-major conference with a leading scorer who has a prepubescent mustache has ever reached the Final Four. That's just too much history to overcome. So my real pick? Air Force. No one is giving the Falcons a chance, and if they can play a slightly different style than what they're accustomed to in the tournament -- meaning, stop being lousy -- they have what it takes to go all the way.

DJ Gallo is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine, as well as the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also contributes headlines to "The Onion."