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Indiana men's basketball coach Kelvin Sampson was punished by the NCAA last week for placing -- along with his staff -- 577 impermissible cell phone calls to recruits while at Oklahoma. Because of that, Sampson is not allowed to make off-campus visits or call recruits for an entire year.
But that doesn't mean Sampson is prohibited from contacting recruits. Thanks to a loophole in the NCAA's recruiting guidelines, coaches can text message prospects as much as they want.
Now, the days when I was being heavily recruited by every major college program for sports ranging from basketball and football to water polo and lacrosse came just before text messaging really took off. So I have no firsthand knowledge of what it might be like to receive a text message from Mike Krzyzewski or Joe Paterno.
I can only imagine
Mike Krzyzewski: "[profanity deleted] [profanity deleted] [profanity deleted] [profanity deleted] i want u armed with not just a jump shot or a dribble. [profanity deleted] [profanity deleted] [profanity deleted] i want u armed 4 [profanity deleted] life."
Sidney Lowe: "if unc and duke don't want u, u should consider nc state. Please?"
Bruce Weber: "I prefer txting 2 talking on the phone. This way recruits don't have to get creeped out by my weird voice. LOL."
Bruce Pearl: "Do me a favor and save all of your txt msgs from Illinois in case I can use them somehow to get Illinois suspended by the NCAA for recruiting violations."
Roy Williams: "i hear u have verbally committed to Kansas?! I hope that's not true. Just go back on your word and tell them ur leaving for UNC just like me! ROTFL"
Thad Matta: "U will be a great replacement for Greg Oden when he leaves after his freshman year."
Rick Pitino: "Larry Bird isn't going to walk through my door. Kevin McHale is not walking through my door and Robert Parish is not walking through my door. U R walking through my door! Please come to Louisville!"
Steve Alford: "U might B 2 young 2 remember this, but I actually used 2 B a very highly-regarded young coaching prospect. No, really!"
Jay Wright: "I just caught a reflection of myself in my cell phone screen and -- damn! -- I'm looking handsome 2day."
Larry Eustachy: "Do U like 2 party?!"
Jim Calhoun: "I see U on tape and U look like just the kind of player I'd love to scream at and cuss out for even the littlest things. And then in 2 or 3 yrs you'll grow to hate me so much you'll jump to the NBA. So come to UConn and fulfill your NBA dream!"
Bobby Knight: "i hate these [profanity deleted] cell phones. [profanity deleted] roaming charges. And [profanity deleted] txt msging, too. I'm not doing this [profanity deleted]. Come 2 texas tech or don't. I don't give a [profanity deleted]."
And, of course, football coaches text message recruits just as much as their basketball brethren:
Charlie Weis: "I really like cake. do u like cake?"
Bobby Bowden: "Don't worry bout that arrest. You'll always be welcome at FSU. We know it wasn't your fault -- at least, assuming you can still run a 4.3 40, that is."
Larry Coker: "The 7th Flo' Crew has a space for u! Come to Miami and get muddied by the whole dang crew!"
Steve Spurrier: "OMG -- you should see this 5 iron I just hit. Totally nutted it. I could really help yer swing if u come here."
Jeff Tedford: "I can make u in2 an nfl qb! A terrible nfl qb, but that's better than not making it at all, right?"
Jim Tressel: "U R the playmaker we need at Ohio St! Someone with your skills I would definitely get the ball to 3 or 4 Xs a game!"
Lloyd Carr: "Did u know that Tom Brady played at Michigan? Of course, it took Charlie Weis to make him great, but how do you clear txt on these things? Please txt me back and let me know. Oh, and please don't go 2 Notre Dame."
Ralph Friedgen: "It's hard for me 2 txt msg. My sausage fingers hit 2 or 3 buttons at a time."
Chuck Amato: "I coached Mario Williams -- the #1 overall pick in the nfl draft! Sure, the Texans were morons 2 pick him and he's nowhere near as good as R. Bush, but I still coached him! Just think -- U could b the next ill-advised #1 pick!"
George O'Leary: "I am the right coach 4U. Not only have I won 15 Super Bowls and 25 ncaa titles, but I was a 2-term president and also cured polio in the minutes after I became the 1st man 2 walk on the moon. C. Fla is the best program in the country. I wouldn't have willingly left Notre Dame 4 here if it wasn't!"
Bill Callahan: "Bet U haven't gotten a txt msg from Oklahoma yet, huh? Those rednecks don't know how 2 txt! LOL."
Joe Paterno: "What the heck is a text message?"
DJ Gallo is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine as well as the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He also contributes headlines to The Onion.