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NFL training camps open this week, and there are countless questions across the league. Such as: Could there actually be a person who wants to read a book about Terrell Owens?
Hopefully there isn't, or my faith in humanity will hit an all-time low.
See the answers to many more pressing NFL training camp questions below.
Will Carson Palmer heal completely from his knee injury in time to start Week 1?
Yes. But as a member of the Bengals, he likely will have to miss a few weeks during the season due to an arrest, trial and brief incarceration.
Can Terrell Owens behave as a Cowboy?
He'll have to. Bill Parcells simply does not allow any one player to buck the system or be bigger than the team -- no matter how good they are. (Unless they're really, really, really good like Lawrence Taylor. Then they can do coke, have a bunch of strippers in the team hotel, whatever. But outside of very good players who are integral to the success of his team, Parcells will cut anyone he wants to, no questions asked.)
Will Edgerrin James make the difference in Arizona?
Yes. The Cardinals have never had a running back with James' abilities. In the past, Arizona running backs would just dive on Kurt Warner's fumbles; but James can just as easily scoop the ball up and take it all the way for a touchdown.
So is there really hope in Arizona?
Yes! Add Edgerrin James to the Cardinals' potent passing attack and then put them in a beautiful, new, sold-out stadium and you're looking at a team with a very legitimate shot at the playoffs. The only thing that will temper the excitement in the desert is when first-round draft pick Matt Leinart has to go on injured reserve to receive treatment for various ailments brought on by dipping into the toxic slurry that is Paris Hilton.
Will Reggie Bush sign with New Orleans?
It's still unclear at this stage. The likely resolution is that Paul Tagliabue will step in and do what he always does when there is a problem in New Orleans: give as much help as he can to one of the New York teams. So expect Tagliabue to award Bush to the Giants or Jets if the two sides don't come to an agreement in the next few days.
How will Herm Edwards' arrival in Kansas City change the Chiefs' offense?
Kansas City's attack will be far more conservative than it was during the Dick Vermeil era. Except at the end of halves, when Edwards' gross clock mismanagement will require Trent Green to pick up the pace and start heaving the ball down the field.
Is this the year Michael Vick finally shows improvement?
What do you mean finally? He already has shown improvement. Don't you remember that one good passing game he had last season when he threw for an amazing 228 yards and one touchdown -- Whoa! -- against the Dolphins and said it was to "show everybody" that he is a great passer and that he no longer wants to hear people questioning his abilities? Well now that he's proven himself, it's time for his receivers to do their part and prove they can reel in balls thrown nowhere near them.
Are the Patriots in a rebuilding mode?
Wow. Just wow. I'm not even going to touch that one. You better hope Rodney Harrison doesn't find out your computer's ISP address, show up at your house and beat you to death with your keyboard. God knows you'd deserve it for asking such a ridiculous question.
Will Alex Smith show significant improvement in his second season?
No. He still has small hands. That will never change. What's worse is that now he reportedly has begun to smell like cabbage.
Have the Colts addressed their protection problems?
If by "their protection problems" you mean "their quarterback who always cracks under pressure in the playoffs and then shifts the blame to his teammates," then, no, they haven't addressed their protection problems.
How much better will the morale in the Eagles' locker room be now that Terrell Owens is gone?
It will be infinitely better. In fact, it will be so good the team probably will keep smiling right through their 10th and 11th losses.
How healthy is Daunte Culpepper's knee?
Culpepper's knee is better than 70 percent, but I hear he is able to support 100 percent of a dancer's weight on his lap. So that's a good sign.
How will rookie WR Sinorice Moss fit in the Giants' offense?
He will mesh perfectly. Eli Manning will just as easily hit Moss in the shins with a pass or overthrow him by 10 yards when he's standing wide open in the middle of the field as any veteran Giants receiver.
Has Ray Lewis lost a step?
Yes. But it's not something he can't compensate for elsewhere. For instance, he's a stronger, smarter football player than he was earlier in his career. And while he has lost foot speed, it doesn't matter when he can just as easily flee the scene in a speeding limousine.
Will the Seahawks fade into oblivion like other recent Super Bowl losers?
Probably not, but if they do it will be the fault of the officials. The stupid, conspiratorial, Seahawks-hating officials. The team may as well just schedule another season-ending "Welcome Home Party/Whine Fest" at Qwest Field for early next year. It can become a franchise tradition. One right up there with getting outplayed in the Super Bowl.
Can Philip Rivers get it done as San Diego's starting quarterback?
Most indications are that he can. In fact, there's a school of thought that says Rivers has a higher ceiling than Drew Brees and could lead the Chargers' offense to never-before-seen heights. If that happens, Marty Schottenheimer could have a real challenge on his hands in neutering his team's game plan come playoff time.
Who will start at running back for the Broncos -- Tatum Bell or Ron Dayne?
That's still to be determined. Bell has a history of injury problems and Dayne has struggled with weight issues. No matter who wins the starting job, Mike Shanahan should definitely avoid putting them in the backfield at the same time in case Dayne should fall on the brittle Bell in a pile and crush him.
Is Kellen Winslow Jr. completely healthy after missing all of last season to injury?
I don't know. Sorry. I tried to look into this one for you, but it turns out the U.S. military does not share the medical records of its soldiers with journalists. (Oddly enough, they also denied Winslow is even in the military. Obviously, they use him for super top-secret missions or something and don't want to blow his cover.)
Is Kyle Boller officially out as Baltimore's starting quarterback in favor of Steve McNair?
Most definitely. Brian Billick might pretend it's an open competition, but Steve McNair will be under center come Week 1. And then Boller will be under center in Weeks 2-11, 13 and 14, and 16 and 17 while McNair is injured. But it's still McNair's team.
Does the acquisition of LaVar Arrington significantly improve the Giants' linebacking corps?
Yes. With Arrington over-pursuing ball carriers and getting caught wildly out of position over and over and over, just think how much better his fellow Giants linebackers will look simply by staying in their proper lanes while getting bowled over by opposing teams' running backs.
Can't you at least answer one question like a real football analyst?
Sure. You think Tom Brady isn't a great player?! You think he's terrible and shouldn't even be in the NFL?! Well, you're wrong. And anyone who thinks that just doesn't know football. Tom Brady is great. In fact, he'll only go down as probably the greatest quarterback in the history of the sport. We're lucky just to be able to see him play. Sure, Brady might not have the gaudy numbers of a player like Peyton Manning, but he has the rings and I'll take championships over stats any day of the week. If you're starting an NFL team today, your first pick would be Tom Brady. It's a no-brainer. He's a gamer. He's a gamer who executes. And that's the kind of guy I want leading my team every Sunday.
Can I stop reading now?
Yes. Yes you may. I'm actually pretty surprised you made it this far. Most people clicked off this page long ago.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and Fantasy Sports Monthly, and has written for The Onion and Cracked.