By DJ Gallo
Special to Page 2

Heard enough about Tom Brady and Peyton Manning yet? Of course you haven't. No one ever could.

And no matter how much airtime or ink is dedicated to the amazing duo -- and it's a lot -- there is no way to completely convey the perfection that is these two.

Tom Brady, right, and Peyton Manning
Jim Rogash/WireImage.com
Peyton had a happier Sunday than Tom did.

But as a service to you, I have compiled 20 Brady and Manning facts that I didn't hear mentioned in the past few days. Some of these you might already know; others might be news to you. Either way, though, I trust you will read these facts with all the respect due these two great warriors of the gridiron.

Tom Brady is so generous that he houses more than a dozen orphans free of charge deep within his cleft chin, where they subsist on protein-rich stubble and the saliva of supermodels.

Peyton Manning has such a large brain that its continued growth has grossly distorted the bone structure of his face.

Tom Brady not only has been named one of People Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" but also has been named "Man of the Year" by Goat Fancy Magazine.

Peyton Manning is so perfect that when he caused a controversy in college by mooning an athletic trainer, witnesses to the incident discovered that Manning is without an anal opening, as he has evolved to where he creates no human waste.

Tom Brady grew up in California and learned not to throw incompletions as a little boy, as the force of his passes hitting the ground caused several earthquakes.

Peyton Manning audibles at the line of scrimmage not to a play he thinks the opposition can't defend but to the exact play the defense is set up to stop, just to give himself a challenge.

Tom Brady is so perfect that his sweat smells like musk and, when bottled, sells for $130 at all major department stores. Its application also causes a person's testosterone level to rise 4,000 percent.

Peyton Manning throws such powerful and accurate passes that the Department of Defense has him on retainer should they ever need him to knock down an incoming missile with his laser-rocket arm.

Tom Brady is so great that whenever he completes a pass, the ball immediately is removed from play and helicoptered to the Hall of Fame.

Peyton Manning once played God in checkers in the end zone at Tennessee's Neyland Stadium and somehow kinged all the Creator's pieces in just a single move, forcing God to admit that Manning is His intellectual superior.

Tom Brady says he might enter politics one day, and most historians already refer to him as our greatest president.

Peyton Manning majored in speech communication at Tennessee so he could better understand and appreciate the many ways people tell him he is great.

Tom Brady was a star Little League pitcher as a child and was known to buckle hitters' knees with his devastating curveball, but mostly with his devastatingly dreamy gaze.

Peyton Manning was so smart at such a young age that he instructed the doctors and nurses working his birth to go home, then he simply crawled out of his mother and into a nearby bassinet, where he took a brief nap, then awoke 20 minutes later to watch game film.

Tom Brady is such a perfect specimen that the Secret Service guards him 24 hours a day for fear a foreign agent could swipe some of his DNA, clone him and create an army of Bradys to attack the United States.

Peyton Manning comes from such an athletic family that Manning family reunions are organized by the International Olympic Committee.

Tom Brady is so blessed that the sun shines on him 24 hours a day. Hence all the eye black.

Peyton Manning is so perfect and such an amazing athlete that he once competed in a triathlon but was disqualified for running across the water instead of swimming.

Tom Brady is so strong that when he benches, the only person who can spot him is Tom Brady.

Peyton Manning wears No. 18 because that's how many seconds it took him to create the universe.

Headlines …

Dolphins knock off Bears in potential Super Bowl preview

Pittsburgh's six turnovers give them one for the other thumb

Jack Del Rio calls Byron Leftwich into his office to kick him in the ankle

Drew Brees' three TDs provide great footage for last-minute campaign commercial

Colts halfway to perfection, playoff elimination

Things I Thought I Thought While Lighting a Torch and Heading to John Mellencamp's House …

1. It was impossible to watch the Pittsburgh-Denver game without getting a little bit emotional. I interpreted this game as the Broncos, armed with a small horse head on their helmets, getting revenge on Joey Porter in the name of miniature horses the world over. And I know that somewhere up in the sky, if there is an equine heaven, a mini-horse was looking down at the happenings at Heinz Field with a big smile on his face. (Assuming his face was not one of the parts eaten by Porter's dogs.)

2. You have to pin the blame for Tampa Bay's loss to New Orleans squarely on Jon Gruden. When Tampa Bay fell behind 17-0 in the second quarter, Gruden abandoned the run and started calling a lot of pass plays in the hope of catching up. Because of that, Carnell Williams only had 12 carries in the game, even though everyone knows the Buccaneers are 8-0 when Williams gets at least 21 carries. So, obviously, all Gruden had to do when Tampa Bay fell behind was hand the ball over and over again to Williams until he reached 21 carries, then sit back and enjoy the victory -- because stats like that don't lie. But he didn't … moron.

3. I really enjoyed the jawing all week between Chad Johnson and Ray Lewis. There's nothing like the seventh- or eighth-best players on two teams' rosters going at it in the media. "No, you are a media-created fraud who rarely, if ever, lives up to his hype on the field." "No, you are. And I'm a better dancer." It's great. And who knows, with the Bengals and Ravens playing again this year, we might get to witness a war of words between their long snappers or punters if Johnson and Lewis aren't up to it.

4. Say what you will about Terrell Owens, but at least the guy has fun when he plays. He took a negative -- his propensity to nap in meetings -- and made light of it this Sunday in his touchdown celebration by "napping" on the ball. Just think how much better the NFL would be if other players had a similar sense of humor. We might see Shawne Merriman celebrate a fumble recovery by pretending to "inject" the ball into his arm. Or Chris Henry cap a touchdown by puking on the football. Or Fred Smoot follow an interception by ripping the football open at the laces, grabbing a couple of water bottles and proceeding to … well, no, props aren't allowed in NFL celebrations. But you get my point.

5. Saints rookie receiver Marques Colson is the new Wayne Chrebet. Both are Hofstra grads who were lightly regarded coming out of college. Both have average NFL speed at best. But both are sure-handed receivers who do the little things to get open and help their teams. Yet I haven't heard anyone refer to Colson as "scrappy" yet. Hmmm … I wonder why that might be. Maybe because he is taller than Chrebet? Yeah, that must be it. His tallness.

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book -- "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" -- will be in stores soon.




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