By DJ Gallo
Special to Page 2

The college football regular season isn't even officially over and already there are head coaching jobs available at big-name schools.

But what is the hiring process really like at the highest level of college football? Well, few people know that every school uses the same job application. It's true -- and I have a copy of it below. So if you think you have the chops to coach at Alabama, Michigan State or NC State, feel free to complete this application and send it on in.


Name:


Do you have any nicknames or aliases? (Please include any names you formerly coached under that you have since changed in order to avoid shame, such as "John Mackovic," "Ron Zook" or "Bobby Williams.")


Please circle any positions that you are applying for:
a) head coach
b) savior of the program
c) Plan B hire because we couldn't get Spurrier

Height/Weight:
Large and intimidating / raging Napoleon complex (circle one)

Age:
Young, energetic innovator / respected, veteran X's-and-O's guy / washed-up, cranky, possibly senile figurehead (circle one)

Are you available to work on Saturdays?
Yes / No (circle one)

List any computer/technical skills. (Examples include: ability to converse with people on the eBay; experience text-messaging virile 16-year-old boys; Microsoft Excel)






Related work history:






Related work history that you can actually verify (i.e., please de-George-O'Leary-ify your above answer):






Why did you leave your last position?
Fired / resigned / "resigned" (circle one)

Have you ever been convicted of a felony, associated with known felons or coached at Miami?
Yes / No (circle one)

Are you a member of any clubs, organizations or coaching trees?
Yes / No (circle one); if Yes, please list:




What is your expected annual salary?
a) Approximately double the budget of the university's arts program
b) I am flexible, but it must have at least six zeroes in it
c) I'm so good you can't afford me. Or can you? I suppose the ball is in your court.

Do you wear a visor while coaching?
Yes / No (circle one); if Yes, please list something manly about yourself that you think balances out your visor-wearing:




A bad hire says "what"?
What / I'm not a bad hire (circle one)

Job-Specific Questions

Imagine an official has mistakenly called holding on your team. Use the space below to tell him he was wrong in less than 50 words, but at least 35 of the words must be profanities.






Imagine you are in a postgame press conference and a reporter asks you a pointed question about your play calling. Use the space below to respond in no less than 1,000 words, but make sure to never actually address what the reporter asked.










You make a visit to the home of a highly touted recruit. The first question the recruit asks you is about the quality of your school's academics. How would you respond?
a) Tell him the school's academics are among the best in the nation
b) Immediately cross the recruit off of your list because he obviously has his priorities way out of whack
c) All of the above

A high school All-American you have signed is arrested on several felony charges. How would you respond?
a) Immediately withdraw his scholarship offer
b) Say that his arrest is simply proof that he desperately needs the structure and support of your program
c) Say that you will place him on a tight "three felonies and you're out" leash during his freshman year
d) Both b and c

Same question -- but the arrested player is a marginal, low-level recruit instead of a high school All-American. How would you respond?
a) Withdraw his scholarship and say your program cannot put up with such behavior
b) Say your program cannot put up with such behavior and withdraw his scholarship

You see a player from a poor background driving around campus in a $50,000 SUV while wearing thousands of dollars of jewelry. How would you respond?
a) Immediately launch an internal investigation of your program to determine who is giving money to your players
b) Do nothing and try to convince yourself that the player simply must have learned some creative legal and ethical ways to make money in his Economics 101 class

What do you see yourself doing five years from now?
a) trying to save my job by getting fan and alumni support for a second five-year plan
b) parlaying any success I've had here into a higher-paying job with a more prestigious program
c) being in over my head as an NFL head coach

What will be your first task as head coach if you are hired -- outside of the obvious one of immediately purchasing the Web domain www.Fire[yourname].com so fans can't start up an anti-you Web site?




References

List the names of three references, your relationship to each of them, and their contact information. (Please do not include your current media relations guy, the host of your coach's show, your agent, or your mother.)

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book -- "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" -- will be in stores soon.




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