Saturday night's Heisman Trophy ceremony will no doubt be a stressful event for the three candidates set to attend the announcement in New York. The last thing they need is the added stress of preparing a speech a speech that has only a one-in-three chance of ever being heard to deliver before a live, national audience.
That's why I've done Brady Quinn, Darren McFadden and Troy Smith a big favor by writing their speeches for them. Here is a preview of what you will probably hear on Saturday night.
Brady Quinn QB, Notre Dame
I want to start by saying that it is an honor to win this award and an honor to be here, just as I'm sure it is an honor for all of you to meet me, Brady Quinn: quarterback of Notre Dame and dreamboat extraordinaire. And, yes, it's correct what you're thinking I am even more handsome in person.
(Pause to look at cameras. Gaze deeply into them. Work it, Brady. Work it. Give them what they came for.)
There are so many people I want to thank. First of all, my parents for their love and support. And I don't want to forget my sister Laura. You look beautiful tonight in your half formal dress, half Packers jersey. Your sense of fashion has always inspired me.
I would also like to thank Notre Dame's director of athletics for stocking our schedule with cupcakes. I couldn't have padded my stats without your help. I want to thank NBC, both for tirelessly promoting me over the past four years and for picking up "Scrubs" for another season. I mean, what will those crazy doctors get themselves into next? And will there be singing and/or kooky hijinks involved? I know I'll be watching.
I want to thank the Heisman Foundation for closing the voting on the trophy in early December. I know that if the award was voted on after the bowl season after we play LSU that there's a very good chance I would not win.
Most of all I would like to thank my head coach, Charlie Weis, for making me the quarterback I am today. When I first met him after my sophomore year and he said to me: "Brady Quinn, you (bleeping) piece of (bleeping, bleeping, bleep). (Bleep) you, you (bleeper)," I knew that he was a great man who I could learn a lot from. Coach, I know you probably can't hear me way back there by the dessert cart, but I love you.
Lastly, congratulations to Troy Smith and Darren McFadden. You both had great seasons and either of you could have easily been up here in my place. Also, congratulations to whomever has been given the honor of painting my Heisman portrait. You have the honor to stare at me all day, something many people across the country and throughout press boxes would kill for. But good luck trying to capture the true depth of my dimples on canvas.
Darren McFadden RB, Arkansas
I am honored and humbled to win the Heisman Trophy. Although not nearly as humbled as I would be to not win the Heisman Trophy. I can imagine that's pretty humbling. Troy? Brady? Are you guys feeling humbled right now finishing behind a sophomore in the Heisman voting as seniors? Yeah, I thought so. Losers.
It's amazing to look around and see all the past Heisman Trophy winners and think that my name can now be included alongside theirs. Guys like Barry Sanders, Doug Flutie, Tony Dorsett. And everyone has been so nice and welcoming to me this whole weekend. Like when I got a cab here tonight, the guy driving my cab, Gino Torretta, was extremely friendly. Same as when I used the bathroom a few minutes ago, and Eric Crouch told me to watch my step because he had just finished mopping the floor.
Thank you to my coach, Houston Nutt, for allowing me to showcase my versatility by playing running back, wide receiver, quarterback and kick returner. And thank you to the quarterbacks of the SEC. Your general inability to pass effectively made me look that much better in comparison when I threw the ball as a running back.
Also, a big thanks goes to Adrian Peterson for being extremely frail. If you had even the minimum intake of calcium as a child, I doubt I would be standing up here at the podium right now.
Troy Smith QB, Ohio State
Wow. I totally did not expect this. What a shock. Luckily, in the off chance I would actually win, I jotted down some things to say. Please bear with me while I try to find the scrap of paper that has my remarks written on it.
(While the teleprompter loads your speech, act like you are fumbling around in your pockets for your remarks.)
This award goes out to all of the great Buckeyes players who came before me. Guys like Les Horvath, Vic Janowicz, Howard Cassady, Archie Griffin, Keith Byars, Chris Spielman, Eddie George, A.J. Hawk, Maurice Clarett and many others. And Maurice, if you're out there listening, I know you are going through a tough time right now. But know that I'd want you in my foxhole any day. Mainly because you'd have a machine gun, a hatchet and some vodka three things that every foxhole should have.
This award also so goes out to Reggie Bush for the inspiration he provided me. When I got in trouble earlier in my career for taking a few hundred dollars from a booster, I figured my chances of ever winning the Heisman were over. But then Reggie came along and got an entire house and still won the Heisman. That fact kept me motivated.
Lastly, before I wrap up, I want to give a big thanks to my coach, Jim Tressel, who stuck by me and helped make me the player I am today. I also want to thank Lloyd Carr, who in his own way has done just as much for my career as Coach Tressel.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" will be in stores soon.