While many of you spent yesterday forgetting old acquaintances -- and possibly drinking so much that you forgot new acquaintances, too -- I was watching NFL football. (That's right, I'm very cool.) So what did you miss? A lot. And that's not even counting the overwhelming sense of loneliness and regret that I was fortunate enough to experience.
Here is a brief recap of some of the top stories from Week 17:
Emotional Brett Favre cries tears of musk-scented liquid steel
Packers quarterback Brett Favre teared up during an interview last night following Green Bay's season finale -- a game that also may have served as his career finale -- and onlookers say it was the manliest display of emotion they have ever witnessed.
"One of his tears rolled off his cheek and dropped onto the grass and immediately a steel beam grew out of the ground," said one witness. "And not only that, the beam was wearing a John Deere hat."
Bill Cowher pondering his family's 1-year, $7 million offer to spend time with them
Bill Cowher said he is still deciding if he will return to coach the Steelers next season.
"It's not about the money," said Cowher. "But if the Steelers want to keep me they're going to have to offer me competitive compensation. My wife and daughters currently have a one-year, $7 million offer on the table to spend time with them, and that's something I will seriously consider."
Rodney Harrison angry that low block prevented him from spearing ball carrier
Patriots safety Rodney Harrison is angry that Tennessee receiver Bobby Wade injured his knee yesterday on a low block while he was pursuing Titans running back Travis Henry.
"I had the guy all lined up for a big hit -- I was going to hit him with the top of my helmet right in the kidney or on the side of his knee, and then this no-name Titans receiver goes at my knees," said Harrison. "That's disrespectful. I thought it was clear that I have dibs on cheap shots in this league."
Vinny Testaverde fails in attempt to throw an interception in 20 consecutive seasons
Patriots backup quarterback Vinny Testaverde was inserted late into New England's victory over Tennessee yesterday to try to extend his NFL record of 20 consecutive seasons with at least one interception, but the 43-year-old veteran came up short.
"I was rusty and I think that was pretty evident," said Testaverde. "I threw three passes and the defense didn't even get a hand on one of them, which I think is a first for my career. Heck -- one even went for an accidental touchdown."
Bengals eliminated from playoffs, but not police lineup
The Bengals received a double dose of bad news yesterday, as they were eliminated from playoff contention by the Pittsburgh Steelers but identified by witnesses in relation to several unsolved crimes in and around Cincinnati.
"Tough loss, gentlemen," head coach Marvin Lewis told the Bengals in the postgame locker room. "But before we go our separate ways, I want you all to look around this locker room and remember each other because the same group will never be together again. Free agency, the draft, and multiple incarcerations will take care of that."
Raiders bottom out by losing to the lowly Jets
The Oakland Raiders hit a new low on Sunday by tallying their 14th loss of the season against the New York Jets.
"I can't believe we lost to the Jets," said defensive tackle Warren Sapp. "They're awful. Everyone knows that. I don't even think I can name one of their players, except maybe their quarterback -- Ty Chaddington or whatever his name is. I mean, wow -- the Jets. How embarrassing. It's one thing to lose to a playoff-quality team, but the Jets? I'm so ashamed."
Bears excited that Rex Grossman's 0.0 QB rating could mean improvement is on the way
The Chicago Bears are excited that quarterback Rex Grossman is finally ready to show some marked improvement come playoff time following his 2-for-12, 33-yard, three interception, one fumble performance in a home loss to the Packers last night.
"People thought his 1.3 quarterback rating from a few weeks ago was bad, but his 0.0 from tonight is even worse," said Bears coach Lovie Smith. "So it's only up from here. Right? Sweet, merciful Lord, let me be right about that."
Detroit's Roy Williams: "It's stupid how close we were to putting up four wins this season"
Detroit wide receiver Roy Williams said that it is "stupid how close" the Lions were to winning four games this season following his team's surprising victory in Dallas yesterday.
"We easily could have won four games -- we're that good," said Williams. "And now that I think about it, since score means nothing, in my eyes we went 16-0. How do you like them apples, 1972 Dolphins?"
Jim Mora, Jr. receives vote of confidence from Jim Mora, Jr.
Atlanta Falcons head coach Jim Mora, Jr., received a strong vote of confidence yesterday from Atlanta Falcons head coach Jim Mora, Jr.
"I think Jim Mora, Jr., had done a good job here and that the foundation for success is here," said Jim Mora, Jr. "And, sure, he hasn't helped Michael Vick reach his potential. And, yes, he is partly responsible for all of the awful receivers the Falcons have. And, OK, the defense is still pretty lousy, too. But ... hmm, yeah, maybe he should be fired."
Oakland clinches opportunity to make one unlucky player the No. 1 pick in the draft
Thanks to the Detroit Lions' winning and their own loss to the Jets, the 2-14 Oakland Raiders locked up the No. 1 overall pick in April's draft yesterday.
"I have no idea what we'll do with the pick," said head coach Art Shell. "And, interestingly enough, in the five minutes since the game ended I received calls from Brady Quinn to tell me that he is retiring, and from Adrian Peterson to say that he is dead. So I guess those guys won't be options for us."
Other news ...
Eric Mangini kind of disappointed he wasn't doused with a cooler of mayonnaise
Panthers now a very dark-horse Super Bowl favorite
Titans, Jeff Fisher working on contract, mullet and mustache extensions
Nick Saban considering big money offer to become Alabama's lead singer
Broncos find creative way to avoid annual playoff beatdown at the hands of the Colts
America's Team to hold a roster spot for anyone in America who can play defensive back
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN the Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" will be in stores soon.