Michael Vick vowed earlier this week that he will change his lifestyle in order to avoid any more embarrassment.
But how will he do that? I present -- Michael Vick's 12-Step Program.
1. Admit There Is A Problem. I don't have a problem. It's my friends, distant relatives and brother who have the problem. Tell them they need to admit they have a problem so they stop messing up my marketability. And then tell them to get their act together or they will no longer be allowed to participate in the Michael Vick Experience.
2. Acknowledge A Greater Power Exists. That Roger Goodell guy seems like he means business. I don't want to get suspended like Pacman or Chris Henry, do you? (Although an entire year off would be a lot of fun. Hmm.)
3. Take An Honest And Personal Inventory Of Myself. Let's see here. Am I Michael Vick? Check. Am I the baddest mother in the entire NFL? Check. Next step.
4. Admit To God, Myself, And Another Human Being The Exact Nature Of My Wrongs. Note to self: Just make sure the other human being isn't a cop. I don't know how long the statute of limitations lasts on some of the stuff I've done.
5. Give All Those Wrongs One Last Go To Make Sure They're Out Of My System. Once I change my lifestyle for the better, I don't want to backtrack. So maybe think about giving into all of my temptations and vices one last time -- kind of as a way to say goodbye to them once and for all. Yeah, yeah. That sounds good. I like this step.
6. Invite My Friends, Distant Relatives And Brother To A Party At My Virginia House This Weekend. See Step No. 5. But make sure that my friends, distant relatives and brother promise to take full responsibility for whatever happens at the party, including copping to any criminal charges that arise. They have to realize that in my new lifestyle, I can't participate in that kind of stuff. I can only watch.
7. Make A List Of All The People I Have Harmed. Actually, just condense this list into "lots and lots of people." I want to recover quickly. If I take the time to write down the names of everyone I've harmed, I'll be stuck on this step for weeks. Plus, I don't know the names of half the people. Like those fans I whipped the finger at. Should I just write "A-hole Fan #1" and "A-hole Fan #2"? This step is stupid.
8. Make Amends To All The People I Have Harmed. This one shouldn't be too hard. I'm pretty rich. Although some people I can't make amends to because what they have is incurable. Maybe I can just make a donation to the CDC. And what about dogs? They don't count as people, right? Not that I did anything to dogs. That was my family.
9. Watch That "Earl" Show. Step No. 8 reminds me of that "Earl" show on NBC where the guy goes around trying to right all of his wrongs. That show has some funny lines in it. I know this one guy who likes to get high when he watches that show. He laughs and laughs.
10. Ask God To Remove My Shortcomings. Cool. I'm definitely down with this one. This means if I do something wrong, I can now not only blame it on those around me, I can blame it on God, too, for not stepping up and removing my shortcomings. Although I'm not so sure that prayer works. I've been praying for a decent wide receiver for years, and what do I get? Joe Horn? That guy is like 65 years old. And then in the draft there were a whole bunch of good receivers on the board and we took some defensive end. I think I'm going to ask God to smite our general manager.
11. Continue To Take Personal Inventory And When I Am Wrong, Promptly Admit It. Again, I haven't really ever done much that is wrong. It's mostly the people around me who do things wrong. But sure, sure -- if I ever do anything wrong, I'll have my attorney or agent craft a statement.
12. Buy Dog Food. Every time I go to Costco I completely forget and end up coming home with another case of those water bottles with the hidden compartments at the bottom. But no dog food. Don't forget next time!
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book -- "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" -- will be in stores in May. Preorder is available here.