Who's having the worst of it right now -- Michigan football coach Lloyd Carr, Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weis, or former pop sensation Britney Spears? Tough call … and a good excuse for this tale of the tape.

AP Photo/Mark J. Terrill

We miss the old Britney ... don't you?

Carr: Appalachian State
Weis: Gastric bypass lawsuit
Spears: Once misplaced her kids for a week

MOST OFTEN COMPARED TO

Carr: Jim Tressel
Weis: Ty Willingham
Spears: Paris Hilton, if Paris was skankier and less talented

BIGGEST PROBLEM

Carr: Team speed
Weis: Rushing offense
Spears: When lip-synching, track shuts off unexpectedly

BEST DEFENSE

Carr: Prevent
Weis: Prevent
Spears: Prozac

BEST VOICE

Carr: Yelling at defense
Weis: Cursing out officials
Spears: Not applicable

PREFERRED HAIRSTYLE

Carr: Hat hair
Weis: Flattop
Spears: Buzz cut

DREAMBOAT QUARTERBACK LINKED TO

Carr: Tom Brady
Weis: Brady Quinn
Spears: Matt Leinart

UNDERWEAR

Carr: Briefs
Weis: Dear God, we hope so
Spears: None

ROLE MODEL

Carr: Bo Schembechler
Weis: Bill Parcells
Spears: Madonna

CURRENTLY MENTORING

Carr: Ryan Mallett
Weis: Jimmy Clausen
Spears: The majority of preteen girls in the country, unfortunately

NEXT PLACE YOU'LL SEE THEM ON TV

Carr: Big Ten Network
Weis: NBC
Spears: Spice

2007 RECORD

Carr: 0-2
Weis: 0-2
Spears: Tin

NEXT OPPONENT

Carr: Notre Dame
Weis: Michigan
Spears: Someone on "Celebrity Fit Club"

NEXT JOB

Carr: Network analyst
Weis: Ty Willingham's offensive coordinator
Spears: Jamie Lynn Spears' cautionary tale

Who's the winner … er, loser? Well, isn't it obvious? Gimme more Britney!

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book – "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" – is on sale now.