LeBron, meet Stuart Smalley   

Updated: September 28, 2007, 12:44 PM ET

  • Comment
  • Email
  • Print
  • Share

LeBron James is set to host the season premiere of "Saturday Night Live" this weekend. James can capably take on the various personas of "The LeBrons," but can he truly act? Can he top Peyton Manning as the best athlete host of SNL? Or will he be so bad that he'll make us want to call it an early night and head upstairs like Joe Montana?

We won't know until Saturday night, but here are some sketches LeBron might have acted in had he hosted the show in years past.

Use the ESPN Conversation pages to suggest your own LeBron sketches.

Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker
Seeing that her son is disappointed that the Cavaliers made no significant offseason moves to improve their roster, LeBron's mother calls in Matt Foley -- an unemployed, thrice-divorced motivational speaker who lives in van down by the Cuyahoga -- to light a fire under her son and his teammates. In the middle of his talk, the overweight, manic Foley falls onto Larry Hughes, breaking Hughes' legs and knocking him out for the season.

Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer
LeBron decides he wants to expand his global empire even further by connecting with people who do not identify with flashy corporate advertisements, with people who do not understand modern world things that frighten and confuse them. So he hires Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer to be his new agent. But after a week on the job, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer dumps LeBron for a new client -- a client he can identify more with, one he calls Unfrozen Caveman Center. Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

D--k In A Box
LeBron teams with Andy Samberg in this homage to past NBA greats Wilt Chamberlain and Shawn Kemp.

The Ambiguously Gay Duo
The cartoon superheroes consider telling the world about their sexual leanings. Ace (voiced by Stephen Colbert) and Gary (voiced by Steve Carell) decide to consult someone else who has lived in the closet while working in a high-profile field. So they call John Amaechi (voiced by LeBron James). Amaechi tells them they should be honest about who they are, but never use their superpowers to help Jerry Sloan.

Bobby Brown
LeBron reprises his ESPYS role as Bobby Brown, playing "Bobby B" alongside Maya Rudolph's Whitney Houston. However, due to LeBron's unwillingness to smoke crack in the sketch because children could be watching, the impression is lacking.

Massive Headwound Harry
LeBron throws a huge party at his massive suburban Cleveland mansion. Unfortunately, Massive Headwound Harry crashes the shindig and grosses out all the guests by rubbing his bloody, exposed brain all over the couch. Things really get out of control when one guest faints and falls into Anderson Varejao, who then flies back 20 feet onto his back, knocking over the entire bar.

Bill Swerski's Superfans
Chicago sports maniac Bill Swerski and his friends invite LeBron onto their show to talk about the upcoming season and whether the rival Cavaliers have any chance at knocking off their Bulls. But mostly the Superfans tell James how great Michael Jordan was and how he never has a chance to be anywhere near as good. LeBron politely mentions that he is well ahead of Jordan on every possible career benchmark at age 22. This fact is met with stunned silence as the Superfans choke on their sausages. Then they all have massive heart attacks.

Synchronized Swimmers
Worried that his dream of winning Olympic gold will never come true as a member of Team USA, LeBron quits basketball and teams with Martin Short to form the first-ever male synchronized swim team. The duo fails to medal, but LeBron finds a new calling in life and, even better, doesn't have to spend an entire summer with Mike Krzyzewski.

Bill Brasky
Patrons at a bar are loudly proclaiming the greatness of a man they all know named Bill Brasky. "His family crest is a picture of a barracuda eating Neil Armstrong!" "He breast-feeds John Madden!" "He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road!" Minutes later, more patrons flood into the bar after a Cavaliers game lets out. They start up with their own tales of LeBron James. "He was 6-foot-5 in the seventh grade!" "He scored the last 25 points in Game 5 of the conference finals!" "He got Lasik eye surgery without pain medication!" The Brasky fans soon agree that James is more impressive.

Stuart Smalley
Hopelessly distraught that he was routed 65.1 percent to 34.9 percent in the Who's Now finals, LeBron seeks comfort and advice from self-help guru Stuart Smalley. Stuart reminds LeBron that he is a worthy human being, and that he's good enough, smart enough, and that, doggone it, people like him. He also encourages James to join a 12-step support program for those struggling with Now-ness.

Toonces, The Cat Who Could Drive A Car
Set in LeBron's senior year of high school, with critics lashing out at him because he is driving a Hummer, LeBron decides to let a friendly neighborhood cat, Toonces, drive him to basketball practice. Tragically, the cat drives the Hummer off a cliff, totaling the vehicle. LeBron's injuries cause his stock to fall in the draft, and the Cavaliers select Darko Milicic with the No. 1 overall pick.

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book – "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" – is on sale now.


Comments

You must be signed in to post a comment

Already have an account?