I didn't want to do a typical NFL wrap-up column this week. I wanted to create something longer-lasting. More tangible.
So this week I am making something that will be around for future generations to enjoy. I am making a time capsule of Sunday's action. So years from now, when our grandchildren and great-grandchildren want to learn all about Week 7 of the 2007 NFL season -- and you know they will -- they can open up this time capsule.
And I invite you to follow along and create one of your own.
First, find a fitting container to use as your time capsule. I suggest a waterproof, metal box. Another option would be the hollowed-out carcass of a Miami Dolphin. But be sure to use the corpse of a real Dolphins player -- there are many options -- and not that of an actual dolphin. I've always found it difficult to plug the blowhole in my real dolphin containers, causing many of the smaller items to fall out.
AP Photo/Al Behrman
We may have just seen Chad Pennington's last start of the season.
So remember: Size is important. (That's what she said -- "she" being the time capsule expert I consulted while doing research for this column.) That means no Chad Pennington. Sorry, Jets fans. But something small that is representative of Pennington? That'd be perfect. I suggest a cooked spaghetti noodle. The wet noodle represents his arm and, at approximately 10 inches long, is also the distance of his average pass. And a delicious piece of pasta will give the people of the future something different to eat than food in pill form.
Next we need to commemorate the man who was the story of Week 7, and of the entire NFL season thus far: Tom Brady. I think we just want to put in a simple glossy photo with him staring dreamily into the camera. A Brady headshot will show the people of the future what the height of human beauty and perfection was on Oct. 21, 2007. Coolest of all, it will be almost like looking into a mirror for them, as the fertile All-Pro no doubt will have given his genes to most of the world's future population.
Of course, commemorating the 2007 Patriots can't be done without some mention of the Spygate scandal. That's why I'm throwing in a copy of the spy tape the Patriots recorded of the Dolphins' defense on Sunday. But, to be fair, New England didn't make it for the purposes of cheating. Bill Belichick just wanted to show his team a hilarious bloopers and practical jokes tape on the flight home. Hopefully slapstick comedy will be considered funny in the future.
Next, I am placing the right shoe of Rob Bironas into the time capsule. The Titans' kicker set an NFL record with eight field goals Sunday in Tennessee's 38-36 victory over the Texans. Actually, no -- forget Bironas' shoe. Let's just go with Bironas. Kickers easily meet my miniature size requirement.
Since Bironas is going to be inside our time capsule for a long time, let's give him something to sit on. How about one of the thousands of seats at Reliant Stadium that were unoccupied during Houston's furious fourth-quarter rally? This will remind the people of the future that it was fan apathy that caused Houston to lose its second NFL franchise. Although, granted, Houston's being consumed by the Gulf of Mexico due to global warming will probably play a pretty big role, too.
Oh, that reminds me. Quick time capsule tip: When you bury your Week 7 capsule, do it in central Kansas to be safe. I'd hate to have you put it somewhere coastal and have it consumed by water, thereby robbing future generations of all the important work we're doing here today. Also, since we're burying it, be sure to punch holes in your time capsule for Rob Bironas to breathe. Kickers' lungs may be tiny, but they still need air. And let's just scrap the Miami Dolphin carcass altogether now and use a real dolphin carcass instead. The blowhole will keep Bironas alive.
So Bironas has something to do all those years he spends in the dolphin carcass, let's give him some reading material. But our size requirements prohibit massive tomes. He can only have something small -- like the Baltimore Ravens' playbook. As far as I can tell, it has only two pages. One page has a 5-yard slant. The other has a draw. That should keep Bironas busy for a while. Heck, big-brained Brian Billick has been in Baltimore for nine years and his team still can't even execute those two plays well. A mini-brained, non-offensive genius kicker should be occupied for decades.
AP Photo/Dave Einsel
Hope Rob Bironas isn't claustrophobic!
Let's also put a picture of the Cardinals' logo in the capsule, because I believe the bird head on the side of the team's helmet is a perfect representation of the size of the brain in head coach Ken Whisenhunt's skull. Based on Whisenhunt's game management late in Sunday's loss, I can only imagine his interview for the head coaching job in Pittsburgh last winter went something like this:
"Hi, Ken. Thanks for coming in."
"OK. First question. Hypothetical scenario. You're down by two on the road in Washington in the final seconds of the fourth quarter, against a tough defense, and you need to convert a two-point conversion to tie the game and send it into overtime. What do you do?"
"Easy question. First, I pull my starting quarterback out of the game. That's a no-brainer. Then I replace him with my backup quarterback. But I don't put the backup QB under center. No, sir. I split him out wide left. Under center I put my No. 1 wide receiver. Then I have him take the snap and roll out to the right so all the linebackers and defensive backs flow to that side. And then I trust him to find an open receiver in all of that mess."
"Umm OK. Great. I think that's the only question I have, actually. Before you leave, though, do you by any chance have the phone number for Minnesota's defensive coordinator, Mike Tomlin? I've heard great things about him."
While we're talking about brain size, let's throw in a small handful of hair -- approximately the same amount that fringes Vikings head coach Brad Childress' shiny pate. It's a brain of that size that tells him to give half of Adrian Peterson's carries to Chester Taylor.
Then, toss in a slice of cake to represent the teams that the New York Giants have reeled off their five straight wins against, and I think we're done. Seal her up. Our time capsule is complete. Future generations have all they need to learn about Week 7 of the 2007 NFL season.
Wait. Something is wrong. Rob Bironas is gasping for air! As massive as the dolphin's blowhole is, it's not big enough. Luckily we have the Rams around. Use Rams horns to poke two more holes in the capsule. Thanks to the Dolphins and Rams, he'll be able to both suck and blow.
DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" is on sale now.