Being the intrepid reporter that I am, I spent all day Thursday talking to many of the players named in the Mitchell Report to get their side of the story. Here is what they had to say:

"Doesn't drug use just make the 1993 Phillies all the more fun-loving? No?" -- Lenny Dykstra

"I'm just excited to be listed with so many great players. It's a big honor for me." -- Jack Cust

"If they want to asterisk my 22 career home runs, well ... I guess I will just have to live with that." -- Matt Franco

"I didn't take steroids. I just stepped on a needle that some stupid $%#@ on the Number 7 dropped on the floor." -- John Rocker

"Well, they didn't work, if that makes anyone feel better." -- Tim Laker

"I would just like to thank the Brewers for not waiting five days for the Mitchell Report to come out before signing me to a $10 million contract last weekend. You guys rock." -- Eric Gagne

[Throws shard of bat at me.] -- Roger Clemens

"I didn't know what I took was steroids. Goes to show you: Don't trust an ugly, old, beat-up prostitute when she tells you something is ecstasy." -- Denny Neagle

"Whoever did this report is a total pratt." -- Todd Pratt

"I just hope this doesn't taint the Pirates' magical 79-83 season of 1997." -- Kevin Young

"What? I don't speak English. I mean ... no hablo Ingles." -- Jose Guillen

"Show me where it says in the Bible that I can't do steroids." -- Paul Byrd

"Roger said that if I didn't do it, too, we couldn't be BFFs anymore. He said steroids would make our love grow, right along with our muscles." -- Andy Pettitte

"It's all a misunderstanding. I only used those needles to lance my bacne." -- Troy Glaus

"The F.P. stands for Fortabol and Panteston." -- F.P. Santangelo

"Notice what color George Mitchell is? Exactly." -- Gary Sheffield

"See? Now I hope everyone stops calling my one good season a fluke." -- Gary Matthews Jr.

"I just hope I haven't disappointed my fan." -- Howie Clark

"I figured everyone knew already. So then they were booing me because I stink, not because I'm a 'roid-head?" -- David Bell

"Whatever. This means nothing. People are still going to remember me as a guy who got to sleep with Halle Berry." -- David Justice

"It was strictly for beard growth." -- Mo Vaughn

"I did ... not ... do ... steroids. Hmm ... doesn't seem like you're buying it. What if I say that while pointing?" -- Rafael Palmeiro

"Flintstone's chewables are delicious, sure. But they'll ruin your reputation." -- Miguel Tejada

"What, you thought someone would have the strength to throw the ball that far up on the backstop without the use of steroids? Be reasonable." -- Rick Ankiel

"Toooooooold youuuuuuu! Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha." -- Jose Canseco

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book – "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" – is on sale now.