The 32-word college football bowl game preview   

Updated: December 20, 2007, 2:01 PM ET

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Thirty-two bowl games.

That's ridiculous. As long as the NCAA refuses to implement a playoff system, only one game actually matters: the BCS National Championship Game. The rest of the 32 are completely inconsequential. So why stop at 32 bowl games? Why not give every team the chance to play a pointless postseason game?

But, no. The NCAA refuses to be thorough with its meaningless bowl season. So I refuse to be thorough with my meaningless bowl season preview.

Since the NCAA gives us a mere 32 bowl games, I'm giving each game a mere 32 words -- exactly -- in my preview. Fair is fair. (Well, except when a computer picks two teams to play for a championship. That's not fair.)

Ken Niumatalolo

AP Photo/US Naval Academy

Ken Niumatalolo, the new head man at Navy.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl (Dec. 20, 9 p.m., ESPN)
Utah vs. Navy: Navy will be led by new coach Ken Niumatalolo, since Paul Johnson left for Georgia Tech. And if you are wondering just who Niumatalolo is, he is the third guy in line.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl (Dec. 21, 8 p.m., ESPN2)
Memphis vs. Florida Atlantic: This will be Florida Atlantic's first appearance in a bowl game. So now Miami is looking up at Florida, South Florida, Central Florida, Florida State and Florida Atlantic. More like "The U(gh)."

Papajohns.com Bowl (Dec. 22, 1 p.m., ESPN2)
Southern Miss vs. Cincinnati: After 29 years at Southern Miss, this is Jeff Bower's final game. It seems he was forced to resign. Perhaps the school has damning pictures of him dressed as a southern miss.

New Mexico Bowl (Dec. 22, 4:30 p.m., ESPN)
Nevada vs. New Mexico: New Mexico has not won a bowl game since 1961. Hence, the New Mexico Bowl. Maybe Notre Dame should look into creating the Notre Dame Bowl. Only, whom could they possibly beat?

Pioneer Las Vegas Bowl (Dec. 22, 8 p.m., ESPN)
UCLA vs. BYU: UCLA quarterback Ben Olson is a transfer from BYU. Do Cougars fans have hard feelings? Oh, you better believe it. They pray for him only twice a day instead of three times.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl (Dec. 23, 8 p.m., ESPN)
Boise State vs. East Carolina: 'Twas two nights before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. Because no one wanted to stay up to watch Boise State-East Carolina.

Motor City Bowl (Dec. 26, 7:30 p.m., ESPN)
Purdue vs. Central Michigan: This will be a rematch of the Sept. 15 meeting that Purdue won 45-22. Who in Detroit could be responsible for scheduling this horrible matchup again? My only guess: Matt Millen.

Pacific Life Holiday Bowl (Dec. 27, 8 p.m., ESPN)
Arizona State vs. Texas: This is one of two bowl games hosted in San Diego. Clearly, San Diegans are desperate to see a football team -- any football team -- play well at the end of the season.

Jehuu Caulcrick

AP Photo/Al Goldis

Are y'all excited for Michigan State facing off against BC, or what?

Champs Sports Bowl (Dec. 28, 5 p.m., ESPN)
Boston College vs. Michigan State: Michigan State closed out the regular season Nov. 17 by outscoring Penn State 28-7 over the final 22 minutes. Surely a 41-day break won't dampen that momentum. Watch out, BC!

Texas Bowl (Dec. 28, 8 p.m., NFL Network)
TCU vs. Houston: If you have the NFL Network, you are in luck! (You know, because that probably also means that you have tons of other channels, so you don't have to watch this game.)

Emerald Bowl (Dec. 28, 8:30 p.m., ESPN)
Maryland vs. Oregon State: Fun fact: Emeralds are created by placing beryllium aluminum silicate and chromium under 14,500 psi of pressure for a decade or more. Or by placing them under Ralph Friedgen for 10 minutes.

Meineke Car Care Bowl (Dec. 29, 1 p.m., ESPN)
UConn vs. Wake Forest: You can't spell "Meineke Car Care" without A-C-C. That is because the ACC has won all five games in this bowl's history. And because many former ACC players work there.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl (Dec. 29, 4:30 p.m., ESPN)
Central Florida vs. Mississippi State: Remember what abolitionist, orator and columnist Wendell Phillips famously said in 1852: "Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty. But the price of Liberty Bowl tickets is somewhere between $35 and $65."

Valero Alamo Bowl (Dec. 29, 8 p.m., ESPN)
Penn State vs. Texas A&M: This is not Joe Paterno's first trip to San Antonio. He fought alongside Davy Crockett at the Alamo in 1836. Even then, he refused to take any shots longer than 10 yards.

PetroSun Independence Bowl (Dec. 30, 8 p.m., ESPN)
Alabama vs. Colorado: Both teams enter this game at 6-6. Alabama has lost four games in a row. Colorado has lost four of six. It's clear that the Independence Bowl operates independent of good football.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl (Dec. 31, 12:30 p.m., ESPN)
California vs. Air Force: Speaking of bad football, Cal has lost six of its past seven. But it's a great pick for the Armed Forces Bowl. An Air Force win will be great for troop morale.

Roady's Humanitarian Bowl (Dec. 31, 2 p.m., ESPN2)
Georgia Tech vs. Fresno State: Your eyes aren't bad -- this game is on blue turf. It won't be for a few more hours that your drunken eyes will betray you and you'll hook up with an ugger.

Brut Sun Bowl (Dec. 31, 2 p.m., CBS)
South Florida vs. Oregon: Oregon is a perfect fit for the Sun Bowl. Everyone knows there are two things that can seriously damage the eyes: staring directly at the sun, or even glancing at Oregon's uniforms.

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl (Dec. 31, 4 p.m., ESPN)
Kentucky vs. Florida State: Bobby Bowden is no doubt quite shocked that 25 of his players cheated in an online computer course. But what is he most shocked about? That there are such things as computers.

Insight Bowl (Dec. 31, 6 p.m., NFL Network)
Indiana vs. Oklahoma State: The Insight Bowl serves as the first meeting between Indiana and Oklahoma State on the football field since 1930. That meeting was in the Dust Bowl. The halftime entertainment was hobo fighting.

Tommy Bowden

AP Photo/Gerry Broome

Not the best of times for Bobby and Tommy Bowden.

Chick-fil-A Bowl (Dec. 31, 7:30 p.m., ESPN)
Clemson vs. Auburn: Bobby Bowden isn't the only Bowden dealing with issues. Son Tommy's Clemson squad has suspended three players for its bowl game, too. And Jeff Bowden is sick due to eating paste again.

Outback Bowl (Jan. 1, 11 a.m., ESPN)
Wisconsin vs. Tennessee: These are similar teams. The winner might be the team that deals best with the early start. Or, late start -- if they're not squares who stay in on New Year's Eve.

AT&T Cotton Bowl (Jan. 1, 11:30 a.m., Fox)
Missouri vs. Arkansas: Missouri shouldn't still be angry about getting snubbed. The BCS isn't something anyone should want to be associated with by name. Because when the uprising comes, no BCS collaborators will be spared.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl (Jan. 1, 1 p.m., CBS)
Texas Tech vs. Virginia: Tenacity. Relentlessness. Strength of character. These traits helped Howie Long defeat a ruthless band of escaped prisoners in "Firestorm." Now his son Chris will need them to defeat Texas Tech's high-powered attack.

Capital One Bowl (Jan. 1, 1 p.m., ABC)
Michigan vs. Florida: True story: I hear the break in Tim Tebow's arm is not only healing, but healing stronger than it ever was before. Tebow truly is some sort of superhero, blessed by God.

Rose Bowl presented by Citi (Jan. 1, 4:30 p.m., ABC)
Illinois vs. USC: USC fans shouldn't be too cocky here. Juice Williams can kill you. Not the same way that "The Juice" USC fans are familiar with can kill you, sure -- but kill you, nonetheless.

Allstate Sugar Bowl (Jan. 1, 8:30 p.m., Fox)
Hawaii vs. Georgia: At halftime, you will realize this is the last game of the day. You must return to work tomorrow. The holidays are over. Life is empty. Life is nothing. Sadness. Loss. Finished.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl (Jan. 2, 8 p.m., Fox)
Oklahoma vs. West Virginia: West Virginia fans are furious. No title game. No Rich Rodriguez. And worst of all, it's been raining so much lately that it's nearly impossible to get a good couch fire going.

Jabu Lovelace and Ray Rice

AP Photo/Mike Groll

The entire nation should be riveted by the International Bowl, starring Rutgers.

FedEx Orange Bowl (Jan. 3, 8 p.m., Fox)
Virginia Tech vs. Kansas: Fun fact: Perishable items -- such as a bowl of oranges -- must be shipped FedEx Priority Overnight or 2Day. Also, FedEx does not allow the shipment of excrement, including Kansas' schedule.

International Bowl (Jan. 5, Noon, ESPN2)
Rutgers vs. Ball State: Some say it is an arrogant foreign policy. Some say it is simply jealousy. But it is pretty obvious why America is disliked internationally. We stick them with games like Rutgers-Ball State.

GMAC Bowl (Jan. 6, 8 p.m., ESPN)
Bowling Green vs. Tulsa: You'll flip this game on after watching the Sunday NFL wild-card games and quickly come to a realization: BGU-Tulsa features better quality of play than the NFC wild-card game you just watched.

Allstate BCS Championship Game (Jan. 7, 8 p.m., Fox)
LSU vs. Ohio State: Will Ohio State get embarrassed again in the BCS title game? No way. Ohio State doesn't get embarrassed. This is the school that gave us Art Schlichter and Maurice Clarett, after all.

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book – "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" – is on sale now.


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