Giving some pep to the divisional playoffs   

Updated: January 15, 2008, 11:46 AM ET

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And now, another priceless pep talk for Peyton Manning:

"Bummed about that loss? Wish you had another shot to knock off the undefeated Patriots? Understandable. But don't sweat it. You're still the reigning Super Bowl champ. Yeah, you know it. You're the man. But only for 20 more days. Then you're crap again. So live it up."

And now, another priceless pep talk for Peyton Manning:

"Throw another tipped pass that was intercepted in the red zone? Too bad. Here's what you need to do: Work on your accuracy. Maybe watch a game tape of Tom Brady for some tips. That guy went 26-for-28. He's awesome. Plus, watching him is easy on the eyes. Total dreamboat."

And now, another priceless pep talk for Peyton Manning:

"So I hear you're upset about losing at home in the divisional playoffs. Worried people are going to call you a choker again? Don't be. You played well. You just had a few bad breaks. And you were up against a buzz saw. That Billy Volek has never lost in the playoffs. He's a dynamo."

And now, another priceless pep talk for Peyton Manning:

"Worried that your coach might be retiring? Understandable. You've had success together. But don't sweat it. You call all of your plays at the line of scrimmage anyway. You could be coached by a gerbil."

And now, another priceless pep talk for Peyton Manning:

"Jealous of your brother? Wish you were him right now? Don't be. Remember growing up how your mom used to change his diapers? Let me let you in on a little secret: He's still wearing them. Yeah. You know it."

And now, another priceless pep talk for Peyton Manning:

"Disappointed that your season ended so soon? Understandable. One-and-done is a bummer. But remember that you have a Super Bowl ring. Your legacy is secure. So use your extra free time to film some more commercials. I think there's a mortuary in Bloomington you don't yet endorse."

Headlines

• Ryan Grant loses goat in snowstorm

• Report: Archie Manning considering adding Eli to his will

• Jerry Jones scheduled for surgery to place face into a frown

• Tony Romo trying to find the negative in additional weeks of sleeping with Jessica Simpson

10 Things I Thought I Thought Whilst Putting All My Money on Volek and Turner

1. Dallas linebacker Greg Ellis was named NFL Comeback Player of the Year on Saturday. He got 12 votes, Randy Moss placed second with nine and Ben Roethlisberger was third with seven. As you may know, Ellis came back from a torn Achilles, Roethlisberger from the lingering effects of a serious motorcycle accident and an appendectomy and Moss from clubhouse cancer. Congratulations to all.

2. The second paragraph of the AP wire game recap story on the Patriots-Jaguars game began by describing Tom Brady as: "The dimple-chinned quarterback with the winning smile." Mmm. Sexy. That's exactly what I want in my news stories, the six W's: Who? What? When? Where? Why? And Wah-Wah-Wowwie!

3. Mike Holmgren has been a head coach for 16 years in the NFL. That number may not get any higher. Holmgren says he will decide in the coming weeks if he still has the fire to coach and if the rigors of the job are worth the negative effects on his health. And if you're wondering what health problems Holmgren has, you apparently have not seen his TV commercials for "diabeetus."

4. According to Star magazine, which is my go-to source for all sports news, Jessica Simpson has taken to sleeping in Tony Romo's No. 9 practice jerseys. Ah. Sweet. But wait until her dad finds out. He prefers that she sleep in the nude. You know, to save on laundry.

5. Ryan Grant had 207 combined rushing and receiving yards and three touchdowns for Green Bay on Saturday. So expect to see approximately 11,000 Ryan Grant commercials this coming weekend. You know, assuming he gets the same amount of commercials based on production as fellow Notre Dame product Brady Quinn.

6. Brett Favre is 0-9 in his career at Texas Stadium. So good thing for him the Cowboys lost so he doesn't have to play there next week. Some see Favre's struggles in Dallas as a blemish on his résumé, but all that really does is prove his greatness. Remember, every superhero has a weakness. Superman has kryptonite. Favre has Dallas. Chuck Norris has Mike Huckabee.

7. The RCA Dome hosted its final game before 56,950. Next season the team will play in Lucas Oil Stadium. The new venue can seat 63,000 for Colts games and as many as 70,000 for larger events, such as Lil Ronnie concerts.

8. Tom Brady went 26-for-28 on Saturday night for an NFL record 92.8 completion percentage. But Jaguars rookie safety Reggie Nelson was not impressed: "It was a dump-down game. Anyone can go 26-of-28 in a dump-down game." Ridiculous statement, right? Maybe not. Before you rip Nelson, realize he might know what he's talking about. He's a rookie out of Florida, after all. Florida alums know a thing or two about overrated quarterbacks who put up hollow numbers.

9. Seahawks kicker Josh Brown kept his legs at a warm 75 degrees in the snow on Saturday thanks to outfitting his pants with heating elements. Interesting decision. But I always assumed most Seahawks kept warm by gazing upon this hot photo. Forget the Seahawks. Those guys look like they should play for the Bears.

10. Was that the one-finger I'm-scratching-my-nose-but-really-I'm-flipping-you-off move that Terrell Owens gave the Fox cameras while leaving the field last night? It looked that way to me. Of course, he could have been innocently scratching his nose with his middle finger. I often try to stab bugs out of the air by wildly waving my middle fingers around in front of my body. But passersby often take it the wrong way. T.O. and I -- always getting misunderstood by the world. Makes me want to scratch my nose at the lot of you.

DJ Gallo is the founder and sole writer of the sports satire site SportsPickle.com. He is also a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine and has written for The Onion and Cracked. His first book – "SportsPickle Presents: The View from the Upper Deck" – is on sale now.


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